My GF the stubborn sub

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by lonelyMaster, Apr 14, 2011.

  1. lonelyMaster

    lonelyMaster New Member

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    Hey guys, I've enjoyed reading through the forums so far. Any help here is much appreciated.

    I'm dating a girl who told me from day 1 that she is into bdsm and is very submissive. This turned me on instantly as I'm quite dominant and love kinky play. However, I'd never done any formal bdsm play or general dom/sub 24/7 type relationship. Now, when we do have sex and play together, it gets very dom/sub like and it's absolutely tons of fun (and im learning how to be a dom more and more). We're going to buy lots of bondage toys soon to even take it a bit farther.

    The problem is when we are NOT in the bedroom, she will have no part of me being her dom. She says i "just don't have the personality for it". I get what she means.... I'm too nice/sensitive essentially. But in reality, I do want to control her, be her master, direct her, take care of her and use/abuse her as i please. She seems unwilling to give me much of a chance, but I KNOW it's something she generally really likes. She tells me she likes the feeling of being someones property....... just not mine...

    This is bothering me both because I do want to try and learn about this (as im authentically turned on by it and fascinated) and because I don't want her to eventually look elsewhere to satisfy these needs. My biggest turn on is humiliation (mostly psychological) so I really feel my desires fit into this nicely.

    How can I convince her to be patient and let me learn how to be her daddy dom? Or should I let go and not push it at all? Or should I slowly apply more dominance as I learn more the correct ways to go about it?

  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    There are two poles of the BDSM spectrum, what I call 'bedroom bdsm' and total power exchange (TPE). Bedroom BDSM treats bdsm as purely something to done during sex; it restricts the power exchange to the bedroom (or wherever else the couple plays), and lets the sub be equal to the dom at all times outside of sex. TPE involves the sub giving his/her submission to the dom full time, both inside and outside the bedroom. Each dom and sub falls somewhere between those two poles, based on his or her personality, sexual kinks, and so on. There is no right spot on this continuum beyond what the dom or sub feels is right.

    So the issue here is that your sub wants bedroom bdsm, and you're interested in something further toward TPE (although perhaps not TPE itself). On a basic level you cannot force her to explore power exchange outside the bedroom unless she herself wants that and feels like it might work with you. In this case, it sounds like she is interested in taking the power exchange outside the bedroom but doesn't think it will work with you. So the question is how to persuade her that it will work with you.

    The place to start, I think, is in building your confidence in the bedroom, because if she feels you're sufficiently dominant there, she'll probably start thinking it might work outside as well. So work on simply being more assertive. As a new dom, you're probably worried about doing things she doesn't like, so you may be showing some hesitation in your commands and so on. Try to get past that, especially once you've learned what she likes and where her limits are. Give her a safe word to stop play if she's unhappy, and trust her to use that safe word. If she's not using it, assume it's fair game. If you want to do something, she doesn't have to actively like it for you to do it; she just has to be willing to tolerate it. For example, I like pissing on my boys. I tended to hesitate to do it unless I knew the boy actively liked it, but I told my sub that I wanted to do it, and he agreed to receive it even though he finds it slightly unpleasant simply because he wants to obey me and please me as much as possible. The fact that he finds it a little distasteful heightens the power exchange because the only thing he is getting out of it is the submission itself, and I am imposing it on him. The past several times we've played have all ended with piss, and it's starting to feel like one of the most profound moments of our interaction.

    So get used to the idea of taking pleasure from your sub, not just with your sub. If she's a deeply submissive woman, the feeling of being used is as pleasurable to her as the sex itself. If you show her that you're willing to give her the pleasure of being used instead of the pleasure of being used during sex, she'll start thinking that she wants you to use her outside the bedroom.
  3. lonelyMaster

    lonelyMaster New Member

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    Sebastian, thanks for the response! Your posts in all the threads I've read have been excellent and extremely helpful.

    One thing I should clarify in my situation is that my gf has had full on TPE doms before. 2 of which I'm aware. I don't know every single detail, but I know she likes that style and considers ours a vanilla relationship (even though the sex is anything but that). I'm not sure to what extent she NEEDS that type of relationship to be happy. I suppose that is also a concern of mine, that she'll find me boring after some time since we are just "vanilla".

    With that said, your advice still applies the same I think. It might just be a gradual process of me gaining confidence, exerting that, and her sensing that and perhaps desiring more.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Many subs tend to subconsciously crave a dom who knows exactly what they want without the sub having to admit their desires. That's completely unreasonable of the sub, but many fall into that trap from time to time. Your sub may be doing this--feeling that you're not a real dom because you don't know what she really craves. The remedy for this is to have lots of conversations asking her what turns her on, what her fantasies are like, and how you could improve your domming skills. She's clearly more experienced in bdsm than you are, so she has a duty to help you learn your role. Rather than her just saying that she doesn't think you can dom her outside the bedroom, press her to explain what she's concerned about. Communication is important to successful BDSM.

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