First Post: Opinions/Suggestions Wanted

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by MasterS, Jun 23, 2010.

  1. MasterS

    MasterS New Member

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    Dated wife for 5 years prior to marriage. Been married now 1 year. Found out pretty early on we were both "kinky" masturbators persay. Both had an interested in bondage that lightly came out a few months into the relationship. Going to school we lightly got into bondage etc but 100% in the bedroom no strict play. Not that we are married we've had 2-3 very light "sessions" we call it. Where the toys come out. Basically decided wife is only submissive when very horny and literately gets mad if I tell her what to do or wear outside of a sexual situation.

    I have seen a very submissive side of her and gotten her deep into subspace before but it was completely due to be the horniest I've ever seen her. Is there any hope to get more involved with the bondage setting or is this just the type of thing enjoy it when its there but its just not much going to work without?

    Prior to marriage we talked about to keep up the bondage putting one day a week towards it, but somehow life got into the way so like I say it has been very limited in the past year.

    We are head over heels in love with one another outside of the bedroom but it sure would be great to also add in a bit more of the playtime bondage as well but really not sure how to go about getting it back.
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    MasterS: I like to divide d/s play into 4 spheres: control (giving orders, specifying what clothing to wear, forcing the sub to perform sexually), bondage (cuffs, ropes, straps, blindfolds), pain play (tit torture, flogging, hot wax), and humiliation and verbal abuse (forced nudity, insults, humiliating positions). Different subs and doms enjoy different elements of each of these. A sub may enjoy bondage but not pain play, for example. For myself, I like bondage as a set up for pain play, but find bondage all on its own sort of limited. Female subs typically have less interest in humiliation than male subs. So my advice is to talk with your wife and find out what elements of each of these areas interest or disinterest her. You already know that right now she only wants bedroom play, so control outside the bedroom is not on the table. But would she like to have you order her to be ready in a particular outfit when you get home from work? Would she enjoy you torturing her a little while she's tied up? Maybe the best thing would be to discuss each sphere of play and just brainstorm fantasies to see what each of you might like to try.
  3. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    M-S - Welcome

    Sebastians comments are very much on the mark, but I feel like I need to understand you a little better.

    I'm not quite sure what you are asking for. It sounds like you guys have a good relationship "outside" of the bedroom, you both like bondage, so much so that you decided to keep "one day a week" reserved for it. Are the other times just vanilla?, or is the sex one day a week.

    "It has been very limited last year" - does this mean the bondage, or the sex?

    Please help me understand what is light bondage play. I will assume you mean that you tie her up, she gets off on being helpless and you guys have sex. But is that what you meant?

    What I'm trying to say is that you could be talking about your bondage life, and you could be talking about your sex life.

    I can sense some real discomfort between you guys with either, as if you launch into some bondage and try to take your best shot at what she really likes. If that is true, than just use that "head over heals in love" time that you spend talking to her and really talk to her about what she likes about your BDSM play, and your BDSM play. What she likes, what she would like to try, what she remembers most about what you guys have already done.

    You, also, need to educate yourself as much as you can on the lifestyle you want to embrace. Try reading "The New Topping Book", or Norman's "Loving Dominant", or maybe "SM101" by Wiseman, or Masters "The Control Book". Try reading a BDSM novel together, like "Topping from Below" so that you have something to talk about after every reading. It really does break thru many levels of ice and discomfort.

    I suggest these because you already seem to know that you are dominant, but not so much. If you really were your wife would not be so mad at you when you are dominant outside of the sexual world. She would have known you were controlling before she married you. This is not a criticism, just an observation.

    If you really want to become a Dom/Master you have to learn about the control you seek, and what to do with it when she gives it to you.
    Most importantly, you must understand the danger, and safety aspects of what tools and implements you use, and what you do to her both physically and emotionally. Using her properly so as not to damage her in the process is always a good idea.
    There is nothing in your post that would indicate that you could not, with time, have the situation you want.

    It's just confusing whether you are talking about sex or bondage. The confustion comes from the fact that you said you both like bondage, Then you said "lets give it one night a week". That does not compute for me. If we both like bondage sex, then we build on each session, talk about it, have another session, etc...

    Lastly, please explain what you mean when you say that you got her deep into sub-space. Many relate to that as an "out of body" or "floating" sensation (usually due to over-stimulation from sex and other sensations). Is that what you meant?, or did you mean she really got off on the sub role?

    I hope you become a regular contributer to the forum so that you can share your progress with us.
  4. MasterS

    MasterS New Member

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    Great information so far.

    I'll try to clarify a bit.

    I think alot of your questions are some of the same things I'm quite curious about. I don't know if what we have is just kinky sex or if this is some ground to build the bondage relationship on. "light sessions" I refer to typically is getting toys out, sometimes light bondage and then great sex. Rarely is there any service involved, but the hornier she gets the more willing she is to do some of the more taboo things I enjoy.

    We had lots of online kinky talk much of our dating was long distance, so thats where I don't know if we even have much to base any type of Dom/Sub relation on. The once a day play time was the day I thought would help with the service side of bondage, being told what to do what to wear, but as I mentioned before if she isn't in a state of hightened sexuallity these suggestions come as a turn off and so the one time a week plan never got off the ground. This was under the belief that I agreed with is we weren't looking for a 24/7 relationship and enjoy a vanilla life together as equals.

    I think what I might be asking is, "is really all we have is good kinky sex with toys, bondage porn etc" or is there some ground to explore somewhat of a Dom/Sub relationship?
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    I think it would be helpful if you could be more precise in your terminology. By 'a dom/sub relationship' do you mean you having some degree of control outside the bedroom? Because if that's what you're asking, you've already given the answer--she doesn't want control outside of the bedroom at this point and you seem to not want that either (since you 'enjoy a vanilla life together as equals').

    Or are you asking if you have a chance to take your bedroom activity in a kinkier direction, to build on the light bondage and get into heavier bondage or the other spheres of activity? If that's what you're asking, yes, I think you can take your sex life in a kinkier direction. She gets more submissive as she gets hornier, so figure out what makes her really horny and do those things early on so you can get into the kinkier play that builds on her submission. If you get her horned up and then start doing tit torture, for example, she'll start to associate tit play with being horny, which means that you can do tit play early on and she'll get horny and submissive.
  6. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    I had a lot more questions, but after reading your response again I think I understand.
    It sounds like both of you are into kinky sex, and the thought of bondage makes you both more horny. She can only conceive of it after she is already horny, but the thought of it makes you horny.
    She is not truly submissive unless it is part of the sexual experience and she is already extremely aroused. So you wanted to build on it by reserving one day just for that, to try to take it further. It's not going as well as you would like.

    Here's my advice;

    First - let me know if I've assumed the wrong things about your relationship.

    Second - do what I said in my first response to you. Understanding more about yourself, control, bondage toys and how to use them, and how to get her more involved, and controlled..... first sexually, then in other aspects.
    Have fun with your sexuality together while building on what you both like.
    You have to have some basic knowledge about what you're getting into and how to proceed.

    Then take Sebastian's advice and work with her to explore her areas of interest.

    I really think you have something to work with, but you don't have enough knowledge to build what you want. Read, understand, act. You've got the time. Don't screw it up and find yourself in a bubble.

    PM me with your email address and I'll get you started

    Again.... stick around and let us know how it's going

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