Looking for opinions and insight

dp272005 · Aug 24, 2010

My wife and I have been married for 5 years, when we met she told me she was into bdsm and I don't think i understood near as much as I thought I did on the subject, she is a submissive and for the past few years we have been somewhat off and on about trying things, mainly I believe due to my inexperience in this lifestyle.

I am extremely interested in the idea of being a dominant/master for her, but there are also disconnects. I really want to please her and give her what she needs, but I have no idea where to start, or what the best way to go about all of this is. we have written up rules, contracts etc. but essentially my imagination runs out or I find myself not trusting her to tell me if I am going too far. In short this is something that I want to do as a lifestyle, I just fee that I need to be more knowledgeable on the subject in order to be the dominant that she needs.

sillylittlepet · Aug 24, 2010

Just out of curiosity, did you read the 'Newcomers FAQ"?

dp272005 · Aug 24, 2010

nicely put

and no but I suppose it is there for a reason.

anyhow I will read through it and edit my post with the questions left unanswered if any.

L8NightQ · Aug 24, 2010

Hey Dp2 -

What have you read so far?
Here are a few suggestions;

The Loving Dominant (Warren) - a must have
SM 101 (Wiseman) - a "really should" have
When Someone You Love is Kinky (Lizst)
The New Topping Book (Easton and Hardy) -can be a little silly, but good

All have insights that will help you get caught up to where she is, and probably has been for years. All pretty fast reads too.
It will be easier for us to answer questions based on what you are learning and doing rather than try to do what these authors have already done.

There are also several references online that are very much worth it. I believe sillylittlepet has referenced them in another post (don't know where, but I'm sure she'll comment). It's really nice to have the books though.

Aside from the basics - Most of which are mentioned in the Newcomers thread, there are three things that are paramount in this kind of relationship.

So read the first thread in this section. Aside from that - here's my advice to you given where you and your wife are.

1. Give a shit about your sub - I think you got that covered. I applaud you.

2. Thoughtful, intimate communication... None of us are mind readers, not that we need diagrams, and contracts for everything we do, but just having time to sit with each other and understand your turn ons/offs, boundries, safe words or actions, fears, compulsions and the like.
I like to include workshops (actually I love workshops) just to try toys, limits, new procedures, and talk about how much she can take, what she likes, comfort of certain ties or ropes. It really helps, so that in our scenes nobody has to yell "LEG CRAMP!!!!) thru a gag or has to recover for a day to move and arm. Over time you will learn where to hit her, what with, and how hard or long you can do it.
You will "almost" be able to read her mind.
..... and yes, they often do turn into pretty fun scenes themselves, just with different rules.

3. Learn SAFETY.... everything you can about the difference between HURT and HARM. Pain can be good, damage is usually not.
I can't stress enough how important this is. It can mean the difference between orgasm into oblivion, and her memory of how you dislocated shoulder or hit a sensitive area. Your knowledge of safe bondage (and respect for safe words) will make her trust you more than most anything else, and that's how you get her to places she hasn't known.
If you harm her, the pain-memory can stop you from being able to progress for months or longer, even with things she really liked. A good example of this is flogging.... the ass can take a lot of punishment, but let part of the whip hit a certain point between her legs with that swing and it's all over for the night.

Clover clamps and other nipple toys are another good example. Good pain for experienced folks, potential for real damage with others. There are just some things that you have to grow into.

And don't let her take you somewhere that you are uncomfortable with from a safety perspective.

Know what a suspension anchor is supposed to hold. Know what EMT shears are, or a panic snap. Know anatomy, nervous pressure points, where not to cut off circulation.

OK.... stopping now.

Start with "The Loving Dominant". Ask whatever you want here regarding specifics and I'm sure we'll be able to handle it.

PM me and I'll get you started.

Welcome to the forum.

dp272005 · Aug 24, 2010

my wife is extremely important to me, my aversion to this has been that I am the type of person that feels the need to know absolutely everything I can about a subject before I actively participate or attempt it, but if my feeling is right, this is not one of those situations, it seems to be more about feeling it out, rather than reading as much material as possible. which is kind of the wall I have been hitting when I decide to delve in. I am a very literal and scientific type of person. I was a medic in the army so the anatomy and so forth is covered, I know advanced first aid and such, and her safety is imperative. I do not think that it is fair to her that I have left this need unfulfilled for the amount of time that I have, and I enjoy it very much, my problem is I have absolutely no imagination most of the time, and I am generally uncomfortable when doing things that I am not knowledgeable about. I will start reading more on the subject again, and experimenting with her again, for instance last night I found out that even though we had played with knives before, I didn't think that she could take as much as she could previously, which is why I got the lackluster result from her instead of the absolute pleasure that I did when I pushed her a bit further, I know some of the questions or statements I am making may be fairly common, but I guess I will read what I can and take the specific advice to me that is given and go with it.

sebastian · Aug 24, 2010

Knife play is pretty advanced, although if you're a medic you're more prepared than most people for that sort of thing. It sounds to me that your primary problem is confidence. You feel the need to know everything before you try anything. From a safety perspective there's a lot to applaud there, but it will keep you from really playing. So my suggestion would be to plan out a scene in your head. Map out what you want to do, in what order, and where. Think about the props and tools you'll need, rehearse it in your head once or twice, and then do it. Focus the scene on skills you know you have and toss in one or two things you're interested in and think you can pull off. Don't freak out if something goes wrong or doesn't work or takes the scene off in a different direction--just roll with it. Learning to improvise is an important skill. And think ahead. One of my boys told me that he liked that I was always thinking about the next thing I was going to do--as I was tying him up, I was thinking about what part of him I was going to torture next. The result was that there weren't a lot of pauses and dead spaces. He felt the scene flowed pretty smoothly, other than a problem with the handcuffs I was using.

Another important thing to keep in mind is that being dominated is your wife's fantasy, so her imagination is going to tend to fill in some of the gaps and weak spots in your performance. You don't have to get a perfect score in this test--your wife is giving your bonus points, so to speak. Build a scene around one of your wife's fantasies. For example, if your wife has a thing for vampires, be a vampire in the scene. This will help get her where you want her to go.

dp272005 · Aug 24, 2010

I think the confidence thing is definitely the case, especially with her having been involved in the lifestyle before we were together, but the general plan you are talking about makes perfect sense, and also the dead space or lag does tend to kill or at least dampen the mood. Great insight! thanks for the help so far, and I am sure as things progress I will continue to have questions.

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