Do We Need a Sex Therapist of DS Coach?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by bob7220, Jul 13, 2010.

  1. bob7220

    bob7220 New Member

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    This is long, sorry, but I want to make sure I'm completely understood...

    41-yo male. Been married for 12 years. A couple years prior to getting married I found myself interested in Dominance and Submission roleplay (me being submissive.) I run two businesses and handle all the complicated responsibilities and decisions in both my businesses and our personal lives (planning vacations, incestments, etc.) I've found being dominated is excellent 'down time' where I let someone else "do the driving" so to speak - it is very therapeutic for me. I've also developed some other fetishes since being married, but they all seem to revolve around being controlled such as forced panty sniffing and even I've found hypnosis to be a potentially fantastic addition.

    My wife and I have had a good sexual relationship, better than most the married couples I know as far as I can tell, and she knows of my fetishes. However, although she has never refused to participate, she doesn't have the same enthusiasm for them, or maybe more accurately, she doesn't have the type of personality then gives her the self-confidence she needs to think she can participate to the level that satisfies me. In a nutshell, although she is open to my fetishes and they don't bother her per say, she's not very comfortable with engaging in them.

    Don't get me wrong. I'm not some selfish bastard. I'd only wish to have something other than "vanilla" sex maybe once every 4 or 5 times we have sex. But it seems like it is once every 8-10 times and it always falls short of my hopes - although I don't express that as to not hurt her feelings, I think she knows I'm not completely satisfied anyway.

    To make matters more difficult, she herself doesn't have much out of the ordinary (at least that I know of) that she desires so there's not much opportunity for give and take regarding fetish fulfillment. This makes me feel very shy/guilty for asking for more than the ocassional 69 position or very rare light bondage and/or facesitting, etc. etc.

    As years have gone by the marriage has lost some luster as pretty much every marriage does, especially with kids at home. Other aspects of my life have become very stressful and the sex/fetish fantasy fulfillment is a huge release for me in coping with the stress. As a result, I have started to feel more disappointed that we're not walking a little more on the wild side. These outside stresses have effected me and the marriage (careers, finances, and feeling inequity in the general overall responsibilities of taking care of the family) to the point we are seeing a marriage counselor. We didn't go to the counselor due to sex issues but the more I think about it, the more it may be an underlying cause of discontent with myself that is in turn effecting the relationship. Currently , the major thing though we are working on with the marriage counselor is better communication as that seems to be the major source of our marital issues and interestingly after 6 sessions, we haven't even discussed this sex mismatch issue. But communication has improved and that has improved the relationship - hence the recent more frank talk about sex and fetishes/role play, etc. which brings me here today.

    My wife and I discussed it more today and I really came out with how I was feeling and that I'm really tired of feeling lonely by trying to satisfy my desires through fantasy when I'm not really looking for anything totally crazy, and she agrees it isn't totally crazy which is why she's never flat out said no, I'll never do that. We love each other and she loves me to the point today she said if I though we should see a sex therapist she would be fine with that - repeat, SHE suggested a sex therapist might be a wise option, not me. But is a sex therapist really what we need? I mean, we both are still turned on by each other and have no problem making each other have an orgasm, and our frequency is probably 2-3 times a week which blows away most of our other married friends?

    It seems to me maybe doing a couples sessions with a professional Dominatrix is more what we need than a Sex Therapist but I know she would be very apprehensive about seeing a Pro Dominatrix (maybe not though - I may be surprised). Or am I off base about the typical roles a Sex Therapist plays? It seems what we need is coaching while actually performing the various activities as opposed to talking about how one another feel, or maybe talk first, coach second?

    Anyone been in this situation? Anyone can suggest what might be the most efficient use of our time and/or money regarding getting some help? I've bought her a couple books and videos, all the necessary props, etc., but she seems to lose interest or possibly even forgets all the things we have!

  2. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

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    Welcome to the forum. :]

    Well I'm glad you guys are working on communication, as that is key. I've never been in this situation (19 and have a boyfriend lol, oh so young), but I think you and your wife should talk in depth about setting up a session with a pro dom. Be warned, it's really expensive. If you can find what situation would make her more comfortable, that would probably help a lot.
    I don't know what your fetishes are, but, as with (I believe) all dom/sub relationships, try to start small. You're a pain slut? Ask your wife to spank you during sex. Gaining confidence takes time. If she agrees to try, take it slow at first and be really supportive. If you have criticism, construct it POSITIVELY (IE: Baby I love it when you smack my ass, but I love it even more when you smack the lower part. Would you do it more often?).
    Wulp, that is my advice to you. I hope it is helpful. :]
  3. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Hi bob -

    I got a couple of suggestions that you may want to consider before exposing your wife to a pro-Domme, though Tumbl3's other suggestions seem great to me.

    First and foremost, I admire your efforts at communication, and inclusion, with your wife. Many of us need a lot of prodding to get that far.
    To help her understand more, there are a couple of books that I like to use with people that are from outside our neighborhood. The first is "When someone you love is kinky". It will give her some insights that will help her identify with how you feel.
    The second is "Different Loving" and has interviews stories from lots of different folks regarding their deepest reflections on their sexuality.

    I don't know if you have a dominant side, but if you do it will help a lot in trying to wake up the Domme in her. Start playing with some simple spanking and control exercises, or maybe some police role-play ideas, from both Dom and sub sides.... whatever she may agree to try. Just keep it small. One of them may tickle her good side and make her want to explore more.

    I haven't seen Sebastian here yet, but he always has really good ideas about what you're asking about. I got a feeling he'll hit this thread.

    Sounds like you have the patience to do what it takes to grow what you can in her, but accept that she may not go that way. She sounds like a keeper anyway.

    Welcome to the forum.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Thanks for the kind words, L8!

    Bob, your basic problem (you're kinky, your wife basically isn't) is not an uncommon one. So you're not alone. In fact, there are probably more threads on this issue than anything else on this forum. So browse the forum and read the threads. You'll find a lot of food for thought.

    If your wife is die-hard vanilla, she probably won't ever change, but given that she's been willing to accommodate your needs to some extent, I don't think she's die-hard vanilla (or if she is, she's a very considerate partner). The trick is to help her become more confident in her domming skills and perhaps find areas of play that turn her on. I think of bdsm as involving 4 spheres of interest: control (for example, the dom tells the sub what form sex will take, what position to use, the dom order the sub to serve her dinner, or controls what the sub wears to work, etc), bondage (the dom ties the sub up, blindfolds the sub, etc), pain play (the dom does tit torture, cropping, flogging, etc), and humiliation and abuse (the dom insults or mocks the sub, makes the sub wear or do embarrassing or degrading things, the dom pisses on the sub). Different doms and subs have different turn ons in this area: you might enjoy bondage but not pain play, for example. So explore these areas with your wife, perhaps one at a time. She might not be excited by bondage, but might discover that she enjoys humiliating you. My point is that just because she hasn't gotten excited by what you've done so far, that doesn't mean she might not find some other sphere of bdsm play that does excite. Exploration may unearth things.

    In particular, I would advise exploring control, because it's the least overtly kinky. Make it clear to her that when you are being submissive, she gets to have anything she wants. So if she wants you to go down on her for an hour, that's what you'll do. If she wants you to ravish her like an aggressive stud, that's what you'll do. If you're willing to take control out of the bedroom, she can demand that you treat her like a queen or take her out to dinner and a chick flick in order for you to earn the privilege of being spanked. Seen from this perspective, most men and women would love to be in control sexually--they get absolutely whatever form of sexual gratification they want. So unless your wife is secret a submissive too, you can probably get her to exert control. As she gets used to it, help her understand that the more assertive and demanding she is, the more you'll enjoy it. It takes new doms a while to realize that aggressive assertiveness won't upset the sub, so encourage it. Make it clear how much it excites you when she simply orders you to do something. I don't mean to totally fake it, but play up your arousal a little bit, so she can tell that she's doing it right.

    Figure out if she has a fantasy of what a sexy, dominant woman is like, and then help her explore that through costuming, role play or whatever. She might like being the ball-busting business woman, or the regal queen with a servant, or the mysterious femme fatale. If she any sort of fantasy like that, indulge it for her.

    As far as a therapist vs prodomme is concerned, my advice is to start with a therapist first. Make sure you find a kink-friendly one, since not all therapists are well-disposed toward bdsm (some of them may decide that the problem is your desires, and try to 'cure' you). Use the therapist to help facilitate communication so that you and your wife can understand the whole issue. If she's willing, you might eventually move on to a session or two with a prodomme to help your wife learn some tricks and help her visualize the sort of play you are looking for. Many prodommes refuse to have intercourse with their subs, so your wife should not feel threatened from that standpoint. You might also look for regular old amateur doms in your city--there are lots of pleasantly dominant women in most major cities, and you may well find one who is willing to mentor your wife, assuming your wife is willing to do so.

    If you absolutely cannot find satisfaction with your wife, you might ask her permission to do occasional non-sexual sessions with a prodomme in order to meet this need. You would not be the first kinky man to make such an arrangement with his vanilla wife. But I don't think you need to be looking at this right now. I think you have better options to explore with her first. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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    Have you tried reading any of the books or watching the videos with her and explaining as you go along why you want to do it and what about it really gets you? Have you asked her bluntly to go that route with you more often? Have you tried bringing out the toys, laying them on the bed, and leading your wife in to find them (makes them harder to ignore and refuse if they're already out). If you've tried all that, I'd go with a kink friendly Therapist before even mentioning a Pro-domme to your wife. I think a pro-domme is going to hurt more than help your cause. If her problem is she isn't secure and confident enough with what you want her to do, showing her someone who can do it to you better than she can isn't going to make her want to try harder or learn... it's going to make her not want to try at all for fear of not being able to please you the way the other woman did. Although a Pro-domme usually doesn't have sex with her clients, you're still introducing another woman into your marriage.. and another woman who can pleasure you where your wife can't.. that may build resentment. I'd continue to work on the communication and then use the communication techniques you're learning to talk to each other openly and honestly about your sex-life. You may have to take the reins for awhile... top from the bottom so to speak so she can learn what you like, what she likes to do, and how to do it.

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