advice needed about my extreme BDSM husband

scrow · Jun 13, 2010

Hi everyone,

I registered here because I needed advice from people who are into BDSM.
I am 32yrs old female, married for 5 yrs to my husband. We dated 5 yrs long distance prior to our marriage, and we have no kids. Husband is 33yrs old.

I found out that he is into very extreme bondage and sadistic things about 4 yrs ago through all of this huge amount of BDSM video he had saved on his PC at home. I am very sexual and energetic, and open-minded, but even as for me- the images were very disturbing. The videos were about young Japanese highschool girls tied up in a closet, quiet/silent and just dangling around in the air. There even was no sex or intercourse. In the other videos, a guy forced his dick into a girl's mouth until she threw up all her lunch or dinner whatever she ate...the vomit was all over her and the dick. It was seriously disgusting.

Some other videos involved a lot of urination and lactation of pregnant women. Some of them also included whipping a girl that is dangiling in the air, and she was bleeding all over. It was really scarey.

I remember when we talked about this, my husband said that this is what he likes and that I should respect it. He is a very nice guy in real life, but we haven't had sex for about 4 yrs out of 5 yrs of our marriage. Probably our marrital sex has been less than 30 times in total over the last 5 years. He does not get an erection in bed. I also think this is because the normal stuff doesn't turn him on. Last year when I asked him about when it was that he actually got into this whole thing - and he told me that it was about 4 yrs ago. But recently we had a serious conversation again because I was considering divorce due to the non-existing intimacy. He told me that he has gotten into this whole BDSM actually about 10 YEARS AGO!!!!! I was seriously shocked.

I do not think that he is seeing anyone as a BDSM partner, but I believe that his head is full of these things and that he masturbates excessively while watching these movies. And as for me - I know that BDSM does not work for me. When we talked about divorce, he said that he can change and try to quit his whole interest in BDSM, but I seriously doubt it. If he has had this tendency for 10 yrs already, then I don't think he will suddenly snap out of it in one day. (He is not even able to quit smoking for the last 10yrs) I don't like the fact that he lies and hides these things. When we try to have sex, he does not get a full erection (the urologist said that he has no physical problems.) and I feel very creepy when I try to have sex with him. When we try to have sex, this is what I think in my head ' I know you probably don't even want sex. You probably prefer to tie me up and whip me until I bleed.' so generally, sex doesn't work anymore between us two. Besides, when it comes to real sex, my husband is very very passive. He is very bad in bed and his touches are terribly awkward. (It has gotten worse over the years)

I feel like the only solution for me is to get out of this marriage although he is a really nice and helpful, and peaceful guy in everyday life. Have you ever had an experience like this with your spouse? What did you? Can you give me any advice? It would be relaly helpful for me to make up my mind. I wouldn't know where else I could ask for help, since BDSM is not a very open issue that I could talk about to friends or families. The therapists and marriage counselors mostly were shocked to hear about the videos that my husband was watching and they were not really helpful.

Thanks...
You can also write to me for advice.
[email protected]

Sate_Sprie · Jun 13, 2010

I sent you an e-mail.

master jey · Jun 13, 2010

I think he just lacks the BDSM part during sex thats why he's getting half erection haven't you thought of making him happy buy some toys do the light stuff have a talk about it

dariche_sprie · Jun 13, 2010

it sounds like you're pretty deadset against a bdsm lifestyle. there's nothing wrong with that at all.

i'd communicate with your husband and tell him that bdsm is not a turn-on for you and not something that you're willing to do. it's possible that he doesn't even want that type of relationship with you, he may just be addicted to porn. there's no way he can just turn off his porn addiction. that's something he's suggesting as a quick argument ending tool. you get upset he says he'll try harder, etc.

you're both still young, you have no kids. i see a fairly easy/clean seperation in your future. do you really want to look back at the best years of your life and realize you wasted them due to some pre-conceived notion of marriage?

dariche_sprie · Jun 13, 2010

and my reply is by no means, "the right way" to handle your situation. that's just me simply commenting on the one side of the story that i'm privy to.

Martello · Jun 13, 2010

I would like to respond but I'm not 100% sure exactly how to...
I'd like to say, I don't at all think you're open minded. BDSM in which ever form it maybe - isn't for everyone. However, it doesn't sound like to me you've ever tried any aspect of it nor would you be willing to. You've been in love with this man for how many years? this is the reason why I will typicly keep things a secret as well.

How do you know you don't like something unless you give it a try? This could be a Green Eggs and ham thing for you. If you Do, give it a wack (no pun intended) sit and talk with your husband for as long as it takes for you to be comfortible with what may go on. Just get things rolling slowly and always talk. You would find that there are things that you do like and possibly get everything back on track for you both.

Some books that are a must have are "On the Safe Edge" as well as "SM101".

However, it's it's a total no go for you; which is totally understandable - i think divorce is a realistic option. It seems to have, at least by what you've said, damaged your opinion of him sexually. And that right there is a huge key to a marrage.

master jey · Jun 13, 2010

I don't at all think you're open minded

I agree

we are open minded we don't mind if person likes "very extreme bondage and sadistic things" you do

sebastian · Jun 14, 2010

Scrow, to provide some terminology, your husband enjoys extreme or strict bondage, including suspension bondage, and extreme pain play. Neither of these things make him a bad man. The vast majority of men and women who enjoy being dominant in these forms of play only wish to engage in these activities with consenting partners. I enjoy pain play (though not as extreme as your husband), but I would never think of doing it to someone who didn't enjoy and consent to it, and I would be very upset if I harmed someone while playing. Most people in this scene find the _illusion_ of non-consent arousing, but have no interest in actually hurting someone who didn't consent. So your husband is not about to start kidnapping and torturing schoolgirls.

In fact, for many dominants, the best part of bondage and pain play is the emotional intimacy it creates and the tenderness that follows the scene. The dominant is expected to take care of the submissive afterward--clean and bandage any cuts, wrap them in a blanket, cradle them, and generally bond with them. As a gay man, I cannot emotionally bond with a woman the way I can with a man. Many dominants cannot bond with a non-submissive the way they can with a submissive.

He probably lied to you because he is ashamed of his kinks or was afraid that you would disapprove. This is understandable. His kinks are extreme, and to someone who doesn't 'get' bdsm, they look terrible. And you are clearly uncomfortable with them--he may have realized this. But they are only extreme forms of things that you may be familiar with and just think of as a little naughty. If you've ever thought about being handcuffed or blindfolded during sex, you've fantasized about bondage. If you like being spanked or having your nipples pinched, you like pain play. He just likes more extreme version of these. So you might consider exploring a little--at your rate, not his.

But if you find even mild bondage or pain unpleasant, then you shouldn't explore them. Only about 10% of the population has any real interest in this form of sexuality. If you know you have no interest in them, you and your husband have two options. 1) Your husband will probably never be satisfied with vanilla (non-bdsm) sex. If your marriage is good otherwise, he may be willing to sacrifice that part of the marriage in order to have all the other good things. You might agree to let him play outside the marriage occasionally to satisfy that need. This doesn't have to involve him actually having sex--much bdsm activity doesn't involve intercourse at all. If he gets to play outside, so do you. 2) If the two of you cannot negotiate a compromise, then divorce him. Have a very honest discussion predicated on the assumption that he cannot stop wanting these activities, and explore divorce openly. Don't shame him for wanting these things--no one gets to choose what turns them on, and as long as he only wishes to do these things with consenting adults, he is not a threat to anyone. Just accept that you and he are not sexually compatible, and make whatever arrangements seem best in that light.

Marriage therapy is an option, but you need to find a kink-friendly therapist. Many therapists are uncomfortable with or even hostile to bdsm and will approach it as a form of mental illness that needs to be cured. Your husband isn't sick--he's just sexually aroused by different things.

My instinct from what you've said here is that divorce is probably the more realistic option. It sounds to me like this issue has become a very large one between the two of you, and your discomfort, although reasonable, may simply be too large for you to overcome. But only you and your husband can decide what is best for the two of you. If the rest of your marriage is good and stable, an open relationship is a possibility; people make all kinds of arrangements in marriage, as my mother likes to say.

Good luck and continue talking with us--we'll give you all the insight and advice we can.

sillylittlepet · Jun 14, 2010

Scrow, you are good hands

we're good, kink-friendly people here

scrow · Jun 14, 2010

additionally...

Hi everyone,
Thanks a lot for your replies. I really appreciate your taking time to reply to my situation and story.

Just wanted to tell you additionally because I did not mention in the previous post. I really am an open-minded person. I like a little bit of spanking once in a while too. However, when I tried bondage with my husband about 6 yrs ago.... He ordered a leather strap that ties your 2 wrists and 2 ankles all together so that you lay on your tummy with your 4 limbs tied together in the back. I remember that I got so f***ing scared that night that I burst into tears. I think that whole incident really had an impact on him, and that made him hide more deeply into this cave. It is not that I am not open-minded. You know, there are people who are scared of big dogs. And the reason is not because they are close-minded. It is just that they do not like big dogs.

And besides, reading some of your replies, I noticed that I will never like this extreme pain-play. My father was and is very violent and I grew up watching my mother being beaten up many times. I don't think pain and violence - whether it is in real life or fantasy - will ever work for me.

Thanks so much for all your comments. If you have any additional comments, please go ahead and post them. I read them all with full-attention. Thanks a lot for sharing

Cheers,
Sherly

advice needed about my extreme BDSM husband

scrow

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Sate_Sprie

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master jey

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dariche_sprie

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dariche_sprie

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Martello

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master jey

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sebastian

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sillylittlepet

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scrow

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