advice needed about my extreme BDSM husband

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by scrow, Jun 13, 2010.

  1. scrow

    scrow New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I registered here because I needed advice from people who are into BDSM.
    I am 32yrs old female, married for 5 yrs to my husband. We dated 5 yrs long distance prior to our marriage, and we have no kids. Husband is 33yrs old.

    I found out that he is into very extreme bondage and sadistic things about 4 yrs ago through all of this huge amount of BDSM video he had saved on his PC at home. I am very sexual and energetic, and open-minded, but even as for me- the images were very disturbing. The videos were about young Japanese highschool girls tied up in a closet, quiet/silent and just dangling around in the air. There even was no sex or intercourse. In the other videos, a guy forced his dick into a girl's mouth until she threw up all her lunch or dinner whatever she ate...the vomit was all over her and the dick. It was seriously disgusting.

    Some other videos involved a lot of urination and lactation of pregnant women. Some of them also included whipping a girl that is dangiling in the air, and she was bleeding all over. It was really scarey.

    I remember when we talked about this, my husband said that this is what he likes and that I should respect it. He is a very nice guy in real life, but we haven't had sex for about 4 yrs out of 5 yrs of our marriage. Probably our marrital sex has been less than 30 times in total over the last 5 years. He does not get an erection in bed. I also think this is because the normal stuff doesn't turn him on. Last year when I asked him about when it was that he actually got into this whole thing - and he told me that it was about 4 yrs ago. But recently we had a serious conversation again because I was considering divorce due to the non-existing intimacy. He told me that he has gotten into this whole BDSM actually about 10 YEARS AGO!!!!! I was seriously shocked.

    I do not think that he is seeing anyone as a BDSM partner, but I believe that his head is full of these things and that he masturbates excessively while watching these movies. And as for me - I know that BDSM does not work for me. When we talked about divorce, he said that he can change and try to quit his whole interest in BDSM, but I seriously doubt it. If he has had this tendency for 10 yrs already, then I don't think he will suddenly snap out of it in one day. (He is not even able to quit smoking for the last 10yrs) I don't like the fact that he lies and hides these things. When we try to have sex, he does not get a full erection (the urologist said that he has no physical problems.) and I feel very creepy when I try to have sex with him. When we try to have sex, this is what I think in my head ' I know you probably don't even want sex. You probably prefer to tie me up and whip me until I bleed.' so generally, sex doesn't work anymore between us two. Besides, when it comes to real sex, my husband is very very passive. He is very bad in bed and his touches are terribly awkward. (It has gotten worse over the years)


    I feel like the only solution for me is to get out of this marriage although he is a really nice and helpful, and peaceful guy in everyday life. Have you ever had an experience like this with your spouse? What did you? Can you give me any advice? It would be relaly helpful for me to make up my mind. I wouldn't know where else I could ask for help, since BDSM is not a very open issue that I could talk about to friends or families. The therapists and marriage counselors mostly were shocked to hear about the videos that my husband was watching and they were not really helpful.

    Thanks...
    You can also write to me for advice.
    jausten1978@gmail.com
     
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  2. Sate_Sprie

    Sate_Sprie Member

    I sent you an e-mail.
     
  3. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    I think he just lacks the BDSM part during sex thats why he's getting half erection haven't you thought of making him happy buy some toys do the light stuff have a talk about it
     
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  4. dariche_sprie

    dariche_sprie New Member

    it sounds like you're pretty deadset against a bdsm lifestyle. there's nothing wrong with that at all.

    i'd communicate with your husband and tell him that bdsm is not a turn-on for you and not something that you're willing to do. it's possible that he doesn't even want that type of relationship with you, he may just be addicted to porn. there's no way he can just turn off his porn addiction. that's something he's suggesting as a quick argument ending tool. you get upset he says he'll try harder, etc.

    you're both still young, you have no kids. i see a fairly easy/clean seperation in your future. do you really want to look back at the best years of your life and realize you wasted them due to some pre-conceived notion of marriage?
     
  5. dariche_sprie

    dariche_sprie New Member

    and my reply is by no means, "the right way" to handle your situation. that's just me simply commenting on the one side of the story that i'm privy to.
     
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  6. Martello

    Martello Member

    I would like to respond but I'm not 100% sure exactly how to...
    I'd like to say, I don't at all think you're open minded. BDSM in which ever form it maybe - isn't for everyone. However, it doesn't sound like to me you've ever tried any aspect of it nor would you be willing to. You've been in love with this man for how many years? this is the reason why I will typicly keep things a secret as well.

    How do you know you don't like something unless you give it a try? This could be a Green Eggs and ham thing for you. If you Do, give it a wack (no pun intended) sit and talk with your husband for as long as it takes for you to be comfortible with what may go on. Just get things rolling slowly and always talk. You would find that there are things that you do like and possibly get everything back on track for you both.

    Some books that are a must have are "On the Safe Edge" as well as "SM101".

    However, it's it's a total no go for you; which is totally understandable - i think divorce is a realistic option. It seems to have, at least by what you've said, damaged your opinion of him sexually. And that right there is a huge key to a marrage.
     
  7. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    I agree :) we are open minded we don't mind if person likes "very extreme bondage and sadistic things" you do :)
     
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  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Scrow, to provide some terminology, your husband enjoys extreme or strict bondage, including suspension bondage, and extreme pain play. Neither of these things make him a bad man. The vast majority of men and women who enjoy being dominant in these forms of play only wish to engage in these activities with consenting partners. I enjoy pain play (though not as extreme as your husband), but I would never think of doing it to someone who didn't enjoy and consent to it, and I would be very upset if I harmed someone while playing. Most people in this scene find the _illusion_ of non-consent arousing, but have no interest in actually hurting someone who didn't consent. So your husband is not about to start kidnapping and torturing schoolgirls.

    In fact, for many dominants, the best part of bondage and pain play is the emotional intimacy it creates and the tenderness that follows the scene. The dominant is expected to take care of the submissive afterward--clean and bandage any cuts, wrap them in a blanket, cradle them, and generally bond with them. As a gay man, I cannot emotionally bond with a woman the way I can with a man. Many dominants cannot bond with a non-submissive the way they can with a submissive.

    He probably lied to you because he is ashamed of his kinks or was afraid that you would disapprove. This is understandable. His kinks are extreme, and to someone who doesn't 'get' bdsm, they look terrible. And you are clearly uncomfortable with them--he may have realized this. But they are only extreme forms of things that you may be familiar with and just think of as a little naughty. If you've ever thought about being handcuffed or blindfolded during sex, you've fantasized about bondage. If you like being spanked or having your nipples pinched, you like pain play. He just likes more extreme version of these. So you might consider exploring a little--at your rate, not his.

    But if you find even mild bondage or pain unpleasant, then you shouldn't explore them. Only about 10% of the population has any real interest in this form of sexuality. If you know you have no interest in them, you and your husband have two options. 1) Your husband will probably never be satisfied with vanilla (non-bdsm) sex. If your marriage is good otherwise, he may be willing to sacrifice that part of the marriage in order to have all the other good things. You might agree to let him play outside the marriage occasionally to satisfy that need. This doesn't have to involve him actually having sex--much bdsm activity doesn't involve intercourse at all. If he gets to play outside, so do you. 2) If the two of you cannot negotiate a compromise, then divorce him. Have a very honest discussion predicated on the assumption that he cannot stop wanting these activities, and explore divorce openly. Don't shame him for wanting these things--no one gets to choose what turns them on, and as long as he only wishes to do these things with consenting adults, he is not a threat to anyone. Just accept that you and he are not sexually compatible, and make whatever arrangements seem best in that light.

    Marriage therapy is an option, but you need to find a kink-friendly therapist. Many therapists are uncomfortable with or even hostile to bdsm and will approach it as a form of mental illness that needs to be cured. Your husband isn't sick--he's just sexually aroused by different things.

    My instinct from what you've said here is that divorce is probably the more realistic option. It sounds to me like this issue has become a very large one between the two of you, and your discomfort, although reasonable, may simply be too large for you to overcome. But only you and your husband can decide what is best for the two of you. If the rest of your marriage is good and stable, an open relationship is a possibility; people make all kinds of arrangements in marriage, as my mother likes to say.

    Good luck and continue talking with us--we'll give you all the insight and advice we can.
     
  9. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Scrow, you are good hands

    we're good, kink-friendly people here
     
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  10. scrow

    scrow New Member

    additionally...

    Hi everyone,
    Thanks a lot for your replies. I really appreciate your taking time to reply to my situation and story.

    Just wanted to tell you additionally because I did not mention in the previous post. I really am an open-minded person. I like a little bit of spanking once in a while too. However, when I tried bondage with my husband about 6 yrs ago.... He ordered a leather strap that ties your 2 wrists and 2 ankles all together so that you lay on your tummy with your 4 limbs tied together in the back. I remember that I got so f***ing scared that night that I burst into tears. I think that whole incident really had an impact on him, and that made him hide more deeply into this cave. It is not that I am not open-minded. You know, there are people who are scared of big dogs. And the reason is not because they are close-minded. It is just that they do not like big dogs.

    And besides, reading some of your replies, I noticed that I will never like this extreme pain-play. My father was and is very violent and I grew up watching my mother being beaten up many times. I don't think pain and violence - whether it is in real life or fantasy - will ever work for me.

    Thanks so much for all your comments. If you have any additional comments, please go ahead and post them. I read them all with full-attention. Thanks a lot for sharing :)

    Cheers,
    Sherly
     
  11. Boundperil

    Boundperil Member

    May not be what you want to hear, but this relationship is not going to work for the long haul. If kids come into play, it will end even more bitter between you two. Sorry, but I've seen this so many times. By the sounds of it, he is very much into it and wants it to be a lifestyle, you do not wish to travel down that road.

    I fault him for not coming forward this before you ever got married, but once that desire is found, it does not go away easily. There will always be that want for him there and unless you are willing to work a deal that allows him to find it, and that he can commit to you and only find play elsewhere; even those rarely end well.

    You can try the therapy route, but once again, they rarely work and like what was stated, you better find someone who understands his wants.

    I give you credit for coming to a forum to seek help, but the way I read your post, I don't see you giving to his needs, which, once again will lead to bitterness.

    Once again, sorry for sounding like an ass, but, I've come to learn to just be blunt about such matters.
     
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  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Scrow, you're welcome. The regularly on this site all understand that bdsm can be really confusing to the uninitiated, and we like helping people figure out what they enjoy and what they don't. We're a fairly non-judgmental bunch, unless we think someone is doing something dangerous or is in self-denial.

    Given your family history, it's entirely possible that bdsm is never going to appeal to you. You may have too many issues there. On the other hand, some submissives use bondage and pain play as a way to process and work through some of their intense emotions about childhood abuse. But that requires a patient and understanding dom who knows how to let the sub dictate the pace of play. It's possible that your husband simply went too fast because he was eager to play, but it's also possible that he doesn't have the domming skills to give you the room you would need to get comfortable with it.

    If you are willing to explore bondage with him, have him start _very_ slowly. Maybe blindfold you but not tie you at all, or tie your wrists with a scarf or something. Once he's done that, he should very gently caress you and let you simply experience the mild bondage in a completely non-threatening context that includes some pleasurable stimulation (like kissing, or cunnalingus, or stroking with a hand or feather). The idea is to let you experience very mild bondage in a way that is not scary and a little pleasurable. Once you can enjoy that without anxiety, move up to something slightly stricter, like wrists tied behind the back. But the idea is to get you comfortable with every new development so that you know that this isn't at all like what your father was doing and that your husband will give you pleasure, not fear.

    Also, play with a safe word. A safe word is a code word that you use to tell him what you're feeling without breaking the scene. A very common set of safe words are color words: Red means 'stop', yellow means 'ease off or slow down', green means 'I'm ok, let's keep going'. If you use yellow or red, he _must_ respect them and slow down or stop play. He can periodically ask you for a color check to make sure that you're feeling ok. So let's say he blindfolds you. You start to feel nervous, and say yellow. He just holds you and lets you know that everything is ok and you're safe. If you calm down, you say green and he can be a little more aggressive. If you don't calm down, you say red, and he takes the blindfold off and holds you and the two of you talk about what you were feeling.

    A process like this might take a long time. If you want to keep the marriage, it will at least give you some possibility of finding compatibility. And if you can't get comfortable with it, it will show you that you simply aren't into bdsm and that you need to think about other options, so that you will both know that you tried your best.

    Even if you can get comfortable with some bondage and a little pain play, there is no reason that you must go to the extremes that your husband fantasizes about. Different doms and subs have different limits and needs, and you always have the right to say that a particular form of play is off-limits, either permanently or for the foreseeable future. But if you are able to tolerate some bondage and/or pain to try and meet your husband's needs, it gives you good grounds for asking your husband to compromise by agreeing to not seek something more extreme. Now, he might not be willing to make that compromise. But it at least offers another avenue for trying to make this situation work.
     
  13. lil_neko_boy

    lil_neko_boy New Member

    I will add my two cents here,

    Scrow i feel for you and your situation. I know it must be bring you and your relationship a lot of worry and strife.

    If we assume that a marriage is made up of, let's say, 20 parts, and you have a marriage where 19 of the 20 parts work well and 1 part (the sexual intimacy part) doesn't work at all. I don't know if this is your situation, but if it is then i'm not sure that divorce would be my first piece of advice.

    I also tend to disagree with a lot of the suggestions about you trying BDSM. If you are a little interested in some mild BDSM then i would encourage you to explore that in a proper, safe scenario. You have said that sexually he has made you feel scared, creepy, disgusted.... and he has lied to you about his true sexual desires. In this situation i would NOT advise that you just give it a go. Any kink sex play has to be built on trust between consensual partners. It sounds to me like this trust and respect is not there sexual and i would not advise that. My opinion.

    Among this BDSM advice i didn't notice anyone suggest that you dominate him. If the above criteria were met i might suggest this route (if you both were into it) since you could maintain full control of the situation.

    Kink-friendly therapist.... great! but it sounds like the marriage is ok, so really what maybe you would look for is a kink-friendly sex therapist.

    The other non-traditional way to approach this might be to maintain your marriage and partnership, but seek your sexual expression in different places ie. have an open marriage. I know this might seem scary or completely unappealing, but it seems to be a growing solution for a lot of couples, i personally know people who have made it work.

    so i just wanted to add those thoughts, i hope it helps.

    good luck in whatever you decide to do,
    J
     
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  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Let me clarify what I said about trying BDSM. If scrow has a strong feeling that she doesn't want to do bdsm, she should not. My comments were based on her statements that she was a little interested but ran into a big emotional roadblock, so I offered her some ideas for how she might work through those issues if that was an option she wanted to pursue in an effort to work through this problem with her husband. Many who think they don't want bdsm don't actually understand what it involves, and when they learn what it really is find themselves a little more willing to try it. But if scrow understands what it really is and finds she has no desire for it or cannot tolerate the emotional issues it raises for her, then she absolutely should not do it simply to please her husband.

    And as LNB said, submission requires trust. If scrow's husband has damaged that trust too much, she should not submit to him. My advice was based on the impression that she does still have enough of a bond with him that she would be willing to explore at a slow pace.

    Domming him might be possible, but it sounds to me like he is primarily a dom, and therefore unllikely to be particularly satisfied with being submissive. But most doms do have at least a litttle sub in them, so scrow trying to dom her husband might be a partial solution.
     
  15. Martello

    Martello Member

    I would think she might make a pretty ok Dom not for nothing. A friend of mind has a similar passed and according to her seems to be what had generated her tendency.
     

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