MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Thanks m - I understand better now. I actually read your response last night but I really needed to let it sit for a while.
The verbal put downs really surprised me, and I still don't understand where that came from and if it only happened after you tried to volunteer your servitude. It sounds like he'd been wanting to do it and finally got an excuse to.
I've got just a few more questions to help both of us get some clarity on this.
You said you need the submission in your life but you haven't said where it fit before you got married, and if anything happened while you were married that made all this want to come back.
Aside from that, you need to really think about something.
If everything else was fine.... He loves you, you love him, you treat each other in a loving way and you're friends. If you were happy with each other outside of the sex... Would you have brought this up to us?
Let me put it a different way. When you got married, did it matter that he was not a/your Dom? Was he good enough as a good husband? Was he worth you putting your submissive desires on the shelf?
It sounds like your attempts were recent, why not early in your marriage?
I ask because while sex is an important part of marriage, it's most often balanced against everything else in the relationship.
Did your attempts to go after the sex you wanted begin to form a wedge? His travel gave you more time to investigate your fantasies on the internet? Something else entirely?
Something changed in the seven or so years you've been married. Don't get me wrong... I've seen marriages fall apart based on one partners need for something else.... but only after other parts of the marriage weren't good enough to cover the "C" or "D" rating of the sex, or other problem area.
With all that you've got. The wonderful kids, good marriage (aside from the conflict we've been discussing), stability, the home you've developed, friends, shared income, etc.... Why not live with the fact that you're not actively doing BDSM and compromise? You haven't been at it for this long. What makes it so compelling now? I just get the sense that there's something else here.
Yes m... I'm poking at some buttons. Finding the language to answer me will help you see where things really fit in this picture you're painting.
I've read through what everyone else has said, but many of the things you described may be symptoms the real problem that is festering. It might be sex related, or it might be something else. You might just be tired of each other.
Just so you know.... I put it aside for almost 12 years of marriage. When it ended I was looking for just the same as you, but it didn't end for that. I'm not you, so I'm asking.
Here's why. Whatever you want to call it.... Open marriage, some controlled release through a third party, whatever. Once you have someone who matches you on that end, and is ok on the rest, you're not gonna give it up. Then you'll have a choice to make during an already rocky marriage.
Sun Tzu once said (I'm para-phrasing) - The value of a successful campaign can only be measured against what you lost to get there.
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