advice needed about my extreme BDSM husband

Boundperil

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May not be what you want to hear, but this relationship is not going to work for the long haul. If kids come into play, it will end even more bitter between you two. Sorry, but I've seen this so many times. By the sounds of it, he is very much into it and wants it to be a lifestyle, you do not wish to travel down that road.

I fault him for not coming forward this before you ever got married, but once that desire is found, it does not go away easily. There will always be that want for him there and unless you are willing to work a deal that allows him to find it, and that he can commit to you and only find play elsewhere; even those rarely end well.

You can try the therapy route, but once again, they rarely work and like what was stated, you better find someone who understands his wants.

I give you credit for coming to a forum to seek help, but the way I read your post, I don't see you giving to his needs, which, once again will lead to bitterness.

Once again, sorry for sounding like an ass, but, I've come to learn to just be blunt about such matters.
 
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sebastian

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Scrow, you're welcome. The regularly on this site all understand that bdsm can be really confusing to the uninitiated, and we like helping people figure out what they enjoy and what they don't. We're a fairly non-judgmental bunch, unless we think someone is doing something dangerous or is in self-denial.

Given your family history, it's entirely possible that bdsm is never going to appeal to you. You may have too many issues there. On the other hand, some submissives use bondage and pain play as a way to process and work through some of their intense emotions about childhood abuse. But that requires a patient and understanding dom who knows how to let the sub dictate the pace of play. It's possible that your husband simply went too fast because he was eager to play, but it's also possible that he doesn't have the domming skills to give you the room you would need to get comfortable with it.

If you are willing to explore bondage with him, have him start _very_ slowly. Maybe blindfold you but not tie you at all, or tie your wrists with a scarf or something. Once he's done that, he should very gently caress you and let you simply experience the mild bondage in a completely non-threatening context that includes some pleasurable stimulation (like kissing, or cunnalingus, or stroking with a hand or feather). The idea is to let you experience very mild bondage in a way that is not scary and a little pleasurable. Once you can enjoy that without anxiety, move up to something slightly stricter, like wrists tied behind the back. But the idea is to get you comfortable with every new development so that you know that this isn't at all like what your father was doing and that your husband will give you pleasure, not fear.

Also, play with a safe word. A safe word is a code word that you use to tell him what you're feeling without breaking the scene. A very common set of safe words are color words: Red means 'stop', yellow means 'ease off or slow down', green means 'I'm ok, let's keep going'. If you use yellow or red, he _must_ respect them and slow down or stop play. He can periodically ask you for a color check to make sure that you're feeling ok. So let's say he blindfolds you. You start to feel nervous, and say yellow. He just holds you and lets you know that everything is ok and you're safe. If you calm down, you say green and he can be a little more aggressive. If you don't calm down, you say red, and he takes the blindfold off and holds you and the two of you talk about what you were feeling.

A process like this might take a long time. If you want to keep the marriage, it will at least give you some possibility of finding compatibility. And if you can't get comfortable with it, it will show you that you simply aren't into bdsm and that you need to think about other options, so that you will both know that you tried your best.

Even if you can get comfortable with some bondage and a little pain play, there is no reason that you must go to the extremes that your husband fantasizes about. Different doms and subs have different limits and needs, and you always have the right to say that a particular form of play is off-limits, either permanently or for the foreseeable future. But if you are able to tolerate some bondage and/or pain to try and meet your husband's needs, it gives you good grounds for asking your husband to compromise by agreeing to not seek something more extreme. Now, he might not be willing to make that compromise. But it at least offers another avenue for trying to make this situation work.
 
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lil_neko_boy

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I will add my two cents here,

Scrow i feel for you and your situation. I know it must be bring you and your relationship a lot of worry and strife.

If we assume that a marriage is made up of, let's say, 20 parts, and you have a marriage where 19 of the 20 parts work well and 1 part (the sexual intimacy part) doesn't work at all. I don't know if this is your situation, but if it is then i'm not sure that divorce would be my first piece of advice.

I also tend to disagree with a lot of the suggestions about you trying BDSM. If you are a little interested in some mild BDSM then i would encourage you to explore that in a proper, safe scenario. You have said that sexually he has made you feel scared, creepy, disgusted.... and he has lied to you about his true sexual desires. In this situation i would NOT advise that you just give it a go. Any kink sex play has to be built on trust between consensual partners. It sounds to me like this trust and respect is not there sexual and i would not advise that. My opinion.

Among this BDSM advice i didn't notice anyone suggest that you dominate him. If the above criteria were met i might suggest this route (if you both were into it) since you could maintain full control of the situation.

Kink-friendly therapist.... great! but it sounds like the marriage is ok, so really what maybe you would look for is a kink-friendly sex therapist.

The other non-traditional way to approach this might be to maintain your marriage and partnership, but seek your sexual expression in different places ie. have an open marriage. I know this might seem scary or completely unappealing, but it seems to be a growing solution for a lot of couples, i personally know people who have made it work.

so i just wanted to add those thoughts, i hope it helps.

good luck in whatever you decide to do,
J
 
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sebastian

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Let me clarify what I said about trying BDSM. If scrow has a strong feeling that she doesn't want to do bdsm, she should not. My comments were based on her statements that she was a little interested but ran into a big emotional roadblock, so I offered her some ideas for how she might work through those issues if that was an option she wanted to pursue in an effort to work through this problem with her husband. Many who think they don't want bdsm don't actually understand what it involves, and when they learn what it really is find themselves a little more willing to try it. But if scrow understands what it really is and finds she has no desire for it or cannot tolerate the emotional issues it raises for her, then she absolutely should not do it simply to please her husband.

And as LNB said, submission requires trust. If scrow's husband has damaged that trust too much, she should not submit to him. My advice was based on the impression that she does still have enough of a bond with him that she would be willing to explore at a slow pace.

Domming him might be possible, but it sounds to me like he is primarily a dom, and therefore unllikely to be particularly satisfied with being submissive. But most doms do have at least a litttle sub in them, so scrow trying to dom her husband might be a partial solution.
 
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Martello

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L8NightQ

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Scrow -

Welcome to the forum.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest something. Please consider it.

I don't think your problem is as bad as you think. Don't get me wrong. It's bad, but in a different way.

1. Your husband has an addiction to PORN..... he, and your marriage, as you describe them show all the classic symptoms.

2. His interest in extreme pain-play, and strict bondage, and gag sex does not necessarily reflect what his preferences are, or your relationship could eventually become. Here's why:

I've been into BDSM for well over 30 years. Anything I could get my hands on.... Anything that displayed, or simulated power exchange, bound women, tied up, forced orgasms, humiliation..... I was into.

The whole gagging blowjobs and vomit sex stuff..... Loved it.
Strict bondage and suspension, even if they weren't having sex... Fine. I just loved watching them struggle. The sex part was my imagination that I could fuck them anytime. Just watching them, exposed, embarrassed, humiliated, with nothing they could do but try to escape, was turn on enough for me.
When Inxex came to the internet I was on it. Sexual torture, pretty horrible stuff. I was there. BrutalMasters (worst I've seen) I was on it. The whole simulated rape video thing turned me on too. All of it..... All of it...... All of it.

But that's not the Dominant that I am. What came out of me as I actually started to practice bondage was very different than what I watched. I am a loving Dominant. I feed off of the excitement, and the sexual feelings of my sub. I spent as much time studying her and what she liked as she spent learning what I like and expect. I have never done anything to her that caused her to feel worse about herself, or our relationship. Our power exchange is safe, sane (most of the time) and consensual. It's hard to describe how it feels to have sex like that.... tying her up, making her feel helpless, using pain to enforce her feeling of loss of control.... The sex is much better than great, and I have taken her to, and over the edge, sexually..... often.

I have not harmed her. I have not tortured her. I have not tied, or suspended her in painful positions. I have not stuck needles in her, or whipped her till she is bloody, or burned her, or made her gag to the point of vomit sex. I don't need to, because she is real..... The sex is real, not in my mind.

All those videos "were" stimulating, but now that I do it for real, I don't watch the extreme ones any more, to the point where I actually deleted them (which some of you know, is almost impossible to do). I did keep the ones that reflected what I really like to do, but the extreme stuff is not me anymore..... This could be the same with your husband.

I am a good friend of a woman who had a lot of fantasies about being tied up, dominated, etc.... We talked about it often, and the more I would talk, the more intrigued she became. It was just talk, till we went out bar hopping one night and we wound up in the car with her giving me one of the best blow-job's I've had in my life. Afterwards she said she had been having a fantasy about me forcing her to do it just the way she did.
The next time we had the opportunity we got intimate, with me holding her down doing the pirate/princess ravage thing with her. She said she wanted to move forward, but I had no equipment with me. Everything was fine till I took the next step. I ordered her to stand up, and turn away from me. I used my belt to secure her arms behind her back, strapping it just above the elbows. Then I ordered her on her knees for what I thought was going to be a repeat performance...... It wasn't.

She started to cry, and asked me to take the belt off. It was to scary for her and it seemed to bring up something in her past that took her to a different place. I responded immediately. That's the thing with (most of) us. If my sub is not turned on by what I do, I can't enjoy it either. It doesn't work. And even if it did work for me, she might never want to come back.

We did have sex that night, but it was vanilla. In talking about it that night and the next day, it turned out that the reality of being bound that way took her into that place she fantasized about, but way to fast. It took a long time to reset and move on.... more gradually.

I telling you this story because of the way you described your first bondage night and how it made you feel. Sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you plan.

What you see in all those videos is just stimulation, and stimulation holds to the law of progressive excesses.

The law of progressive excesses (in the simplest of summaries) dictates that whatever stimulates our brain, will continue to do so.... for a while. After a while we want the same thing, but with a little twist to make it more intense. And the cycle continues So we start with some rather benign image of a womane, tied to a chair, breasts shaking while she struggles, and move on, and move on, and on.... to keep the stimulation going. This happens much more with porn than in real life but is true with most everything from spicy food to vanilla sex and beyond.

So while he may have all those videos, once he physically emerges, the videos may not reflect what he becomes.
Even though he went to far when he put you in the ankle/wrist binder, he may not have had enough real-life experience to know how to share that side of himself with you. It's kinda like dancing. Almost never goes the way you think the first time.

The porn addiction is a different issue and this one has gone on for a long time with you guys, adding layers of frustration, suspicion, and long term lack of intimacy to the problem. Now porn is his only sexual comfort zone ( "it has gotten worse over the years" ).

This is your biggest problem.... And it's gonna take a lot of work to re-build, if you guys have enough left to try. Porn addictions have grown exponentially since everyone got access to limitless free porn without having to go anywhere for it, and it's a huge problem. You may very well need some counseling to get thru it, but the BDSM part is separate.

I was married for 13 years to a vanilla wife, and while we tried to incorporate bondage into our sex life, it never really got that far. The marriage still worked, and when it ended, it had nothing to do with the fact that we were not matched that closely from that perspective. I found other ways to have power over her sexually that didn't involve rope and it worked fine for me. It wasn't till afterwards that my active Dominant persona came out all the way.

I'm gonna stop now, but pm me if you want to carry this further..... And I hope I didn't spend all this time writing this, just to be completely wrong.

Anyway - you did ask.

Hope this helps.

P.S. Two books you might really like to have if you want to stay where you are.

Easton and Liszt "When Someone You Love is Kinky"
William and Gloria Brame "Different Loving"

Please review them on Amazon, I think you should own both.
 
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I agree with a lot of what L8nightQ said. IF you want to find a way to continue the marriage, before you even attempt to tiptoe into BDSM with him, you need to address his porn addiction and what it has done/is doing to your marriage.. be upfront and honest with him about how it makes you feel.. be upfront with your fears.. lay it all out there and see what he says.. be prepared to get help for you both if you decide to continue.. NOT for the BDSM, but for the porn addiction and what it's done to your marriage. Even if you tried the BDSM with him, he still might not be able to get an erection and peform because the reality won't be able to compare to the fantasy of what he's been watching.. be prepared for that if you go that route. And just a side note... if you decide you don't want any part of BDSM or that you just simply can't handle your husband's porn addiction.. that is your right! That doesn't make you closed-minded at all.. it never ceases to surprise me how many people in this lifestyle consider themselves open-minded yet when it comes to someone who has decided against this lifestyle for whatever reasons, they automatically jump on them being closed-minded.. when in reality it's just different preferences.
 
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Sparrow69

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i think what is being overlooked her is that it hasnt been discussed with her husband. i refuse to advise on such a situation without hearing his side of the story... however, to play devils advocate, scrow, did you ever stop to wonder if hes the one who wants to be suspended or wants to experience the joy of pain?
 
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sebastian

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I agree with much of what L8 has said, and I found his story rather informative. But people are tossing around the term 'porn addiction' rather freely. As someone who's ex-husband was a genuine porn addict, I think it's important to understand what porn addiction is and isn't. Porn addiction isn't simply a strong interest in watching porn. From what L8 said, his desire to use porn largely went away once he began having the bdsm sex. This means that it's unlikely that L8 was, clinically speaking, an addict (although perhaps there is more to his story that he has simply not chosen to share--my apologies if I'm wrong here). Addictions do not simply go away, although they can turn into other things (in my ex's case, when he wasn't acting out with porn, he was acting out with food). The urge to use porn or booze or coke or whatever remains, although it can fade over time (or turn into a desire to use something else).

A porn addict uses porn as a substitute for meaningful sexual contact with a partner. In the case of my partner, when his addiction was out of control, he avoided sex with me and sought out porn instead. This was accompanied by an inability to be emotionally present in other areas of his life. He watched the porn obsessively--4-6 hours a night. He wanted to stop watching porn and be more emotionally and sexually available for me, but was unable to. He would be abstinent for a few weeks or months but always eventually slid back into using it. When he attended a recovery fellowship and worked the program, he was abstinent, but when he stopped doing the program, he usually slid back into his addiction within a few weeks. It's not an addiction until it's become unmanageable (creates a major problem in the relationship) or the person desires to stop using but is unable to do so. The recovery fellowship model asserts that addiction cannot be cured, only managed, and true management of an addiction requires therapy or a fellowship. Once an addict, always an addict.

From what scrow has said, it sounds like it's not actually the porn that is the issue, but rather what the porn seems to mean about her husband's sexual desires. She is worried about what he really wants to do with her sexually. He does seem to want intimacy with her, but has a good deal of trouble functioning sexually. It's possible that I'm wrong and it is an addiction for him (I'm not a trained therapist), but it doesn't fit the pattern of sex addiction that I've observed and read about. It doesn't sound like he's hiding his porn use (although perhaps he is and she just hasn't mentioned it).

That said, porn can certainly be a very destructive thing. It can lead people into having unrealistic ideas potential partners, it can lead people into thinking that dangerous practices are safe, it can lead people into feeling inadequate about their bodies and their sexual skills, and it can lead people into imagining that sex ought to be more frequent, more exciting, or more extreme than it normally is, and so on. What L8 says about the relationship between the porn he liked and the way he actually has sex is very instructive and rings absolutely true.
 
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scrow

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I just realized now.

Hi all.

I just realized that:

1. Husband has had a separate credit card for years which never sent the bill to our house. ( I am thinking that probably he puts all of the porn bills on that card.) Probably he was receiving the bills via email.

2. He never wanted to do things with me. He always asked me "Are you going to the gym tonight? When are you going?" Many times I felt like he was pushing me to go. (FYI, he doesn't go to the gym nor exercises. On weekends when I call him from the swimming pool in our town, he says he would rather stay home and take a bath....Ha, Bath? Yeah, right.)

3. Sometimes he got irritated when I initiated sex, he said "Why do you jump on me?!! Why do you take off your own clothes??!!! Why are you so wanting to f**k, is that all you want??!!" It pissed me off and I gave up and we didn't have sex for like 6 months or something. Now I see why. He needs that submissiveness from his partner to be turned on.

4. Once I initiated watching "normal" porn with him. He started showing a very awkward disinterest and started yawning and left the room within 3 minutes. That's a very strange behavior, isn't it?


I tried many times to talk to him. But he always lies. Once I found out a porn account (involving live chat) open on the PC at home. I asked him if this is his account, and he said NO. Idiot....the account name was the same one that he uses as his email ID, and he kept denying that he has no idea why that account was open on the screen. No matter I try to talk, he will always lie about his porn addiction and BDSM. (However, the BDSM, I do not believe that he will change his tendencies, nor do I want to force him to change his sexual preference. He is what he is.) At this point, I will not be surprised if he had more email accounts that I do not know about. I am actually still in shock that he got into this extreme things 10 years ago when we were dating. I had no idea.

It is really scarey that you can be married to someone but you actually might not know who that person really is.
This is turning into marriage counseling, but one thing I am pretty sure is that:

I think my marriage is over.


.
 
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