submissive self doubt (or a blatant plea for someone to tell me I don't suck)

sebastian · Dec 16, 2012

It gets tiresome sorting through the fakers and losers to find the real kinksters. As the saying goes, "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince". But if being submissive is important to you, don't give up. Put up ads on dating sites that are specific about what you want and what your basic limits are, and be clear that you want a dom who will get to know you and build trust before demanding that you obey. A good profile will help you weed out some of the chaff, but you're still gonna run into guys who don't understand what being dominant is about or who lie about what they want or can do.

I guarantee you that there are genuine doms out there like that--I'm one (but sadly, I play for the other team). Genuine, experienced doms understand that they have to demonstrate trustworthiness before they get what they want. As one boy recently put it to me, they command respect rather than demand respect. Some genuine but inexperienced doms may be misled by the porn into thinking they need to be demanding, so don't totally write off a guy who makes a demand or two; just do what you did in this case and explain that you need to feel more trust.

By the way, someone already wrote the kinky BJD, it's called Bitchy Jones' Diary; it's a feminist take on being a domme.

kissik · Dec 16, 2012

The kissing frogs thing is an analogy I do try keep in mind.

Because of the part of the world I live in I haven't found kinky dating sites particularly useful (there just don't seem to be that many people local to me using them, and those that do seem just to be looking for play, not relationships). I mostly use vanilla dating sites with a couple of reasonably blantant, but not very specific references to my submissive D/s interests. I'm a bit circumspect about having my specific kinks in a profile with my picture on, I don't want it to impact on my professional life.

I am however, getting increasingly better at vetting guys once I start chatting to them, (each disasterous dating experience adds a new thing to my list of things to ask guys before meeting them!) so online dating is kind of a learning process.

I had a flick through the Bitchy Jones' Diary blog archives, interesting stuff and I think I'm developing a crush on her, so thanks for that

9DVD6HD8 · Aug 28, 2013

Don't even get me started on 50 shades. Thanks to that book, on online dating sites where I declare my interests I've been getting messages of the 'aw, did you just read 50 shades?' or 'are you looking for mr grey?'... as if my sexuality is something I just put on to be trendy.

RopeRanger · Sep 26, 2013

SubIA said:
...there are a lot of men out there who THINK they are Dominants when in fact they are just manipulative users.

SubIA, I have heard this from my female friends so many times that I have lost count. It appears that many of the guys using the data sites and Craigslist are simply jackasses that don't understand how to interact with people as adults let alone interact with a sub. I very much appreciate that you consider the process a dance as that is exactly how I view the entire process. It's a game to those other guys and that's why they "play" people.

This happens for us guys too. I've met many potential partner who are just not genuine. I equate that to dancing with someone who steps on your toes. It happens, you just need to select another partner.

Zepoll · Oct 3, 2013

Kissing frogs is a good analogy. I call it panning for gold. You have to sift through a lot of crap to find one little nugget of gold. And often times, miners will go for days, weeks, months and never find a thing.

Another way of looking at is like shopping for clothes. When shopping for clothes you first have to go to a store that is likely to have something you like, then find your section, then thumb through the hangers, then find something that "looks" good, then check the price tag, then go and try it it on. There are a lot of "filters" we have to go through when looking for a item of clothing before we find one that we actually will take home. And after you get it home it might shrink!!

Or you may spend a whole day shopping and not find a thing. It's all part of the process.

But there is nothing wrong with you. You are a puzzle piece like the rest of us. This guy just wasn't the puzzle piece that matches up to you.

Maybe in your next ad. Or in your first email exchange list out the "Hiring Process". Explain that you will have no more than 3 dates/meetings before any shred of clothing comes off. And also, if you want to discuss D/s involvement then you must have a "Board Meeting" where both parties comes to the meeting with, LITERALLY, a list of Wants and Limits. Where both parties list off their favorite things and a list of hard limits where you can discuss, and measure out, whether you're going to be right for each other.

The benefit to this approach is that, for one: you can eliminate all the dweebs. Because jerks like this guy won't have the patience to go through this "process". A mature Dom, will understand the process.. probably will even appreciate it.

The other benefit is... think of how great of a relationship you could have if you met someone that was excited about the process, and matched up well after the board meeting. Then you could really give in and trust and dive deep and be very, VERY happy.

The D/s life is new to me and my girlfriend. We're exploring and love it so far. One of my recent discoveries is how really intimate the whole relationship is. The closeness.

Ever been too, or seen, one of those work place exercises where they have a coworker stand up and fall backward and the coworkers catch them? It's about building trust and as a result creating a better (working) relationship. Well to me.. the D/s life is the same thing. It's all about trust and trust leads to intimacy.

Lastly... Maybe consider hosting a speed dating for Dom's and Subs at a local coffee shop. Get 15 Dom's and 15 Subs and have them all quickly go through a min board meeting of their own. Have them all show up with 5 Wants and 5 Limits. They're favorite utensil. Favorite positions or knots. Each couple matches up for 2 minute interviews and then afterwards people can write down if they'd like to meet with someone else. You get their information to the person that they want to meet and that person can decide if they want to get together again or not.

At least you'd get through 15 people super fast.

submissive self doubt (or a blatant plea for someone to tell me I don't suck)

sebastian

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kissik

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9DVD6HD8

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RopeRanger

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Zepoll

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