sebastian
Active Member
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
SnN, the more that I read what you have to say, the more I am convinced that this man is an abuser and not a true dom. And in fact, I'm starting to think that you might not actually be a masochist, simply a woman in an abusive relationship who is trying to make sense of the abuse heaped on her by interpreting it as a gesture of love. The victims of abuse frequently find ways to justify the abuse ("I made him angry, so I deserved it", "he's only like this when he drinks", "he loves me, so this must not be abuse"). Perhaps you have a masochistic side to you, but perhaps not. You're clearly deeply unhappy about what's happening. Cutting yourself doesn't make you a masochist. It means you're looking for some way to express or relieve your emotional pain.
BDSM is about consensual power exchange. When I play with a man (and if it's not clear, I'm gay, so my experience is entirely based in how BDSM works between two men; there are many commonalities with straight BDSM, but also some important differences), I negotiate the power exchange with him before we ever start playing--days before, in some cases. I ask him what he wants me to do and what he doesn't want me to do. I enjoy inflicting pain on men, but only as long as I know that they are enjoying receiving the pain. I would never intentionally inflict non-erotic pain, and if the man indicates through his safeword that I've reached the limit of his ability to tolerate the pain and find it pleasurable, I stop immediately and switch to something else that I think he will enjoy. I would be deeply upset if I accidentally harmed him or did something he really objected to. Much of the pleasure that I derive from inflicting pain is knowing that I am giving the sub pleasure through pain. If a sub indicated to me that he didn't want any pain, I would either simply not play with him or leave pain play off the menu and focus on something else.
As far as whipping boys are concerned, some male subs volunteer themselves for abuse as a way for their dom to relieve stress. I do online play with a sub named James who calls himself a 'full service cunt'. He enjoys the idea of being of service to me in any way that I enjoy. A week ago I came home from my job extremely stressed out. James allowed me to unload a torrent of verbal abuse on him because he knew that doing so would help me release my frustrations. Had we been together physically, he would have allowed me to paddle him, torture his nipples, and so on. But, and here is the difference between that situation and yours, James' gesture was essentially a gift to me, a voluntarily gesture to ease my tension. He enjoys being verbally abused, so he got something erotic out of it, and he loves feeling like he serves me. After I insulted and degraded him verbally, I felt an enormous sense of relief, and I was deeply grateful to James for offering this service to me. I feel a deep sense of affection toward him and in a way I'm humbled by what he offers me. I want, very badly, to meet his emotional needs and take care of him because of the way he is caring for my needs. As a gay dom, protecting and nurturing my subs is one of my major obligations.
When I finish playing with a sub, we typically spend a good deal of time afterward unwinding from the emotional highs of the scene. I cuddle and caress him and feel quite tenderly toward this guy that I was abusing and paddling just a little while before. At the start of play, the sub willingly surrenders power to me or permits me to take it from him, and in the cuddling afterwards, I return the power to them so that we are equals again. In a more long-term relationship, the power isn't always returned, but that's because the sub has voluntarily entered into a relationship in which he has chosen to not be equal to his dom.
Absolutely none of this seems to apply to you. This man has by your own admission raped you, struck you in anger, disregarded your sexual pleasure, threatened to maim you, and attempted to socially isolate you by eliminating your ability to maintain friendships, education, and jobs. Those are textbook signs of an abuser.
Please leave this man. I realize that it seems impossible for you to do, but that's because he's taught you that you can't leave him. Your family and friends still care about you, even if they are frustrated with your inability to take care of yourself; I strongly suspect that they will try to help you if you turn to them. If they cut you off, it's because they're too distressed by your situation. If you cannot turn to them, seek help from a battered woman's shelter or a crisis line. They can provide counseling and resources and help you find a way to liberate yourself. But you have to do the actual work of leaving, as hard as this is. You have a choice--leave now or stay and be miserable until he maims or kills you. You cannot change this man, and he will not change on his own.
Be aware that your situation is extremely dangerous. An abusive husband/lover will become the most violent he will ever be at the point that you actually leave him. This is the point when some men actually try to kill their wives, and many succeed. So do not tell him that you are planning to leave him. Make plans with help from a friend or a shelter, wait until he's away at work, and simply leave. Do not tell him where you are going or why you are leaving. Just leave.
It is not your fault that he's abusing you. You do not deserve anything he's done to you. It's embarrassing to admit that you've allowed yourself to be abused and it's hard to admit that you were wrong about this relationship, but your loved ones will forgive you and you will get over your sense of embarrassment as you get some distance from this man. But for your own sake, please leave him.
MLML is right--your situation is too large, complex, and dangerous for us to be able to provide you with the emotional assistance you need right now. All we can do is offer you a little emotional support and encouragement. I care how you're doing, and my guess is that others on the forum do as well, but we can't provide the depth of support you need. Feel free to stay and talk with us, but don't make us your only or even major source of support. Please get help and please leave him, no matter how hard it might seem to do that. Please.
BDSM is about consensual power exchange. When I play with a man (and if it's not clear, I'm gay, so my experience is entirely based in how BDSM works between two men; there are many commonalities with straight BDSM, but also some important differences), I negotiate the power exchange with him before we ever start playing--days before, in some cases. I ask him what he wants me to do and what he doesn't want me to do. I enjoy inflicting pain on men, but only as long as I know that they are enjoying receiving the pain. I would never intentionally inflict non-erotic pain, and if the man indicates through his safeword that I've reached the limit of his ability to tolerate the pain and find it pleasurable, I stop immediately and switch to something else that I think he will enjoy. I would be deeply upset if I accidentally harmed him or did something he really objected to. Much of the pleasure that I derive from inflicting pain is knowing that I am giving the sub pleasure through pain. If a sub indicated to me that he didn't want any pain, I would either simply not play with him or leave pain play off the menu and focus on something else.
As far as whipping boys are concerned, some male subs volunteer themselves for abuse as a way for their dom to relieve stress. I do online play with a sub named James who calls himself a 'full service cunt'. He enjoys the idea of being of service to me in any way that I enjoy. A week ago I came home from my job extremely stressed out. James allowed me to unload a torrent of verbal abuse on him because he knew that doing so would help me release my frustrations. Had we been together physically, he would have allowed me to paddle him, torture his nipples, and so on. But, and here is the difference between that situation and yours, James' gesture was essentially a gift to me, a voluntarily gesture to ease my tension. He enjoys being verbally abused, so he got something erotic out of it, and he loves feeling like he serves me. After I insulted and degraded him verbally, I felt an enormous sense of relief, and I was deeply grateful to James for offering this service to me. I feel a deep sense of affection toward him and in a way I'm humbled by what he offers me. I want, very badly, to meet his emotional needs and take care of him because of the way he is caring for my needs. As a gay dom, protecting and nurturing my subs is one of my major obligations.
When I finish playing with a sub, we typically spend a good deal of time afterward unwinding from the emotional highs of the scene. I cuddle and caress him and feel quite tenderly toward this guy that I was abusing and paddling just a little while before. At the start of play, the sub willingly surrenders power to me or permits me to take it from him, and in the cuddling afterwards, I return the power to them so that we are equals again. In a more long-term relationship, the power isn't always returned, but that's because the sub has voluntarily entered into a relationship in which he has chosen to not be equal to his dom.
Absolutely none of this seems to apply to you. This man has by your own admission raped you, struck you in anger, disregarded your sexual pleasure, threatened to maim you, and attempted to socially isolate you by eliminating your ability to maintain friendships, education, and jobs. Those are textbook signs of an abuser.
Please leave this man. I realize that it seems impossible for you to do, but that's because he's taught you that you can't leave him. Your family and friends still care about you, even if they are frustrated with your inability to take care of yourself; I strongly suspect that they will try to help you if you turn to them. If they cut you off, it's because they're too distressed by your situation. If you cannot turn to them, seek help from a battered woman's shelter or a crisis line. They can provide counseling and resources and help you find a way to liberate yourself. But you have to do the actual work of leaving, as hard as this is. You have a choice--leave now or stay and be miserable until he maims or kills you. You cannot change this man, and he will not change on his own.
Be aware that your situation is extremely dangerous. An abusive husband/lover will become the most violent he will ever be at the point that you actually leave him. This is the point when some men actually try to kill their wives, and many succeed. So do not tell him that you are planning to leave him. Make plans with help from a friend or a shelter, wait until he's away at work, and simply leave. Do not tell him where you are going or why you are leaving. Just leave.
It is not your fault that he's abusing you. You do not deserve anything he's done to you. It's embarrassing to admit that you've allowed yourself to be abused and it's hard to admit that you were wrong about this relationship, but your loved ones will forgive you and you will get over your sense of embarrassment as you get some distance from this man. But for your own sake, please leave him.
MLML is right--your situation is too large, complex, and dangerous for us to be able to provide you with the emotional assistance you need right now. All we can do is offer you a little emotional support and encouragement. I care how you're doing, and my guess is that others on the forum do as well, but we can't provide the depth of support you need. Feel free to stay and talk with us, but don't make us your only or even major source of support. Please get help and please leave him, no matter how hard it might seem to do that. Please.
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
