Vanilla or Not?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by lovexfist, Dec 4, 2012.

  1. lovexfist

    lovexfist New Member

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    Hello, I've been having difficulties in my relationship and I'm not exactly sure how to wrap my head around it. I desperately need others opinions. I met my boyfriend about a year and a half ago and we met in a super romantic, cute way and we are really amazing together. We met as a vanilla couple but as people, we're very open minded and into alternative things. He is 10 years older than I, but we had something of a spiritual connection.

    Half a year in, I had gathered the courage to admit to him all my kinks and fetishes and my proposal to start exploring BDSM. And he was all for it! He jumped right on the bandwagon and did a lot of talking.

    I don't know, he just doesn't seem like he cares to me. It's been over a year now and it feels like we're not making any progress. It seems like he's just an open minded guy, just telling me what I want to hear to make me happy. I never get the Dom vibe off him and I don't ever feel like his submissive. But yet every time I ask if we should stop, if he's really into it... he insists that he is!

    What he says is very contradictory to what he actually does. I'm not sure if it's he's not as into it as I am or doesn't exactly understand what BDSM dynamic is. I don't know. He also has severe back problems and is not doing so good financially. Yet also insists that he's not depressed... He doesn't seem too depressed either.

    Lately we've been fighting a lot and I've gotten the idea that it's because I'm not sexy enough. He's even kind of hinted it to me too... I really don't know what to do anymore. I desperately want him to really be my Daddy but I don't know if he want's me as his sub. Do you think he's vanilla or not?? I'm seriously losing my mind over this!
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    Hi there.

    I'm sorry to hear about our problems. Quick question...

    When you shared your fantasy with him, did he share anything with you (other than giving you the idea that he finds you less sexy)? Is there something he's fantasizing about? The reason I ask is that it's the sharing of fantasies that is thought to help strengthen a relationship.

    Onto your other sounds worrying if he is undermining your confidence - never a good sign in any relationship. But this is often a behavior that men drift into because they are unhappy in the relationship. As men, we are terrible at communicating our feelings, and often this manifests itself as "sniping comments" at our partner.

    In other words, it sounds like he's unhappy about something. It's probably not as simple as he feels you're "not sexy enough", but this is the only way he has found so far to express that something is wrong.

    I'd suggest you check out the "vanilla boyfriend" topic in the FAQ, but it sounds like before you act on any of those tips you need to both sit down and talk about your relationship generally.

    If you need some advice on how to set up a non-confrontational communication, this is the best book on relationships I ever read.

    And the other advice I would give you is that the issue of your "Daddy" fantasy is entirely separate from the issue of your relationship.

    Ironically I also read this recent post by TwistedSister, and I think she nailed it.

    I would probably say that it's worth trying all reasonable measures to save the relationship before walking away, but the key point is that you need to separate the issue of your fantasy from the basic problem that your partner seems to be heading in a very undesirable direction in his treatment of you.

    Good luck!

    Last edited: Dec 6, 2012
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  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Yes, communication is vital to any healthy relationship. It sounds to me that either he is holding something back from you (anything from a kinky fantasy that embarrasses him to doubts about staying with you or fears about his skills as a potential dom) or he genuinely doesn't know what's going on for him emotionally. Start with the first option--have a talk and emphasize that you'll listen to anything he wants to say, you won't judge him, and you won't get angry (but if you say them, you have mean them). If, after talking about whatever he says, things still aren't clear, move to option b. That's trickier--it takes a lot of listening and asking the right questions to help someone figure out what they don't understand.

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