3 steps forward, 10 back :(

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by subarama30, Aug 14, 2012.

  1. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    After a positive experience the other day I thought we might have finally cracked it but once again I was wrong.

    My guy was showing massive interest, admitted to trying to do research solo and asking me all sorts about what I wanted, potential toys to buy etc. I was so pleased but said I found it easier to express myself in writing so emailed him.

    Big mistake. I thought it would be helpful to be very specific, maybe even a little technical about what I liked and why. This was inspired mainly because he noticed bruises on me and had asked why I didn't mind when I said I like them. In his mind he'd said he sees it as hurting me so I wanted to show him why it wasn't like that.

    He reacted badly to what I wrote, said I was way more seriously into all this then he thought and so experienced I could write a book and he couldn't do what I needed and felt inadequate etc. I was gutted to say the least. He was literally saying he was done with kink. I felt sick at his negative reaction but understood his feelings. He saw it as a criticism of his technique/sexual knowledge. we slept separately.

    This morning I felt calmer but was worried he was still pissed. He wasn't, in fact he apologised and said he shouldn't have been so harsh but he just worries he can't make me happy. The thing is now, I have no interest in doing anything remotely kinky with him. It's like he snuffed the flame out and I don't feel comfortable opening myself up like that again. This has made him down too, he thinks he's blown it and I'm unhappy with him. I'm not, I feel...I don't know, disinterested and jaded I guess.

    I just don't know if we can get a happy medium going where he's comfortable doing things and I'm getting my needs met without feeling like a freak?!

    I know he struggles with the pain part and his love for me. I don't know how to make him see that it's only because I know he doesn't want to hurt me that I let him.

    It all seems so up and down at the moment. I thought being in a loving committed relationship would make this all easier but it's not. He keeps saying he wished I'd told him years ago, looking back I never felt the time was right and I don't think he would have handled it any better then now. It's just seems too much right now.
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Sorry to hear that you're having trouble, subarama. Keep in mind that for men and for doms, it's important to feel competent. Part of his anxiety is that he's afraid of being a bad lover, and it's compounded by the fact that he doesn't get what's erotic about pain. So focus on helping him see that he's not a bad lover--it's ok that he's new to this, you'll help him figure out what you want, you'll be patient, and so on. If he can get past that part of the problem, I think you can work through this.
  3. Roland

    Roland Member

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    My wife and I have had many ups and downs in the short time we have been doing this, and a few fights over how we are going about it. In the end, we have agreed to calmly discuss certain things more or less as equals. However, when she has to bring her issues up to me, she must do it in a calm and respectful manner, showing deference to me as the dom. When that occurs, the conversations go much more smoothly and we both end up with what we want. Hope that helps.
  4. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Oh dear
    We all make mistakes, and by the sounds of things this seems just like a mistake - too fast for both of you
    Easily done
    I know it may sound daft but in some ways it might be a good thing that your kinky side has ran back into its shell - it means now you are both starting at the same point
    Understandably you are really sensitive about your kink and your confidence is easily knocked
    and his confidence is easily knocked too

    So go gently - for both your sakes
    I assume from your post that pain is a big part of your kink - so talk about what is acceptable pain for both of you - a guy may understand kinky pain better with something like nails or neck biting
    Then let him see your very positive reaction - think of it like training - he gives a little pain and is rewarded by you getting very very hot - he feels more confident to try a little mrore

    Does he have any little kinks?? something you could wear? a role you could act out for him?
  5. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    Thanks everyone.

    @Jett - yeah he likes outfits and dirty talk, especially the idea of me being with multiple guys (fantasy only) but thats about it and I try to accommodate these as much as possible but I do struggle with the dirty talk, I feel stupid and don't always know what to say.

    As for the pain, yeah I like it, I don't personally think Im into anything extreme but I guess for someone who is a bit shocked by seeing bruises/welts/bite marks on his partner, this can be hard to reconcile with love.

    I agree his confidence is easily knocked. Especially as this is all relatively new to him and I think the age gap comes more and more into play these days. I know he's feeling he's too old and so this just adds to insecurity.

    We did start out with just things like neck biting, it's one of the things I first admitted to, way before I opened up about kink in general. He knew this got me off and was happy to do it but always felt bad the next day if I had bad bite marks on me.

    We did talk about things yesterday and he admitted it was his issue not mine, that his own feelings of inadequacy made him overreact and he regretted it. He said realised that I have always indulged his sexual preferences so he was being sensitive and selfish. I did say we should hold off on kink but he was dead against this and said he had to man up.

    Last night actually turned out pretty good. He was better at demanding what he wanted and we steered clear of any direct pain so he was more focused.

    I do wish the porn out there was better. He is such a visual guy I think it would help to see something. I really need to work on my dirty talk too, I suck - and not in a good way ;) it just kills the mood for me and is a distraction.

    Oh well, at least we're back on track. I'm actually feeling more positive today.
  6. Her-sir

    Her-sir New Member

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    As a new dom I'll throw in my $.02 about confidence.

    Being a new dom can be mentally challenging. Too much thinking can kill the erection/mood and the confidince quickly follows. You might need to throw in a mindless hairpulling fuck now & then to build his confidence. If you can build his confidence the rest should start falling into place slowly but surely IMO.
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    If he's feeling old, that's definitely going to reduce his sense of confidence. Remind him that older men are generally more skilled at what they do and therefore more satisfying.
  8. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    Thanks guys.

    @Sebastian - I always try to reassure him but with a 20yr age gap it was always going to rear its head evenutally. It never used to bother him till he turned 50.

    @Her-Sir - I have realised that when he has to think too much it can distract him so I have said we don't always have to involve kink but I think he's got it into his head that I can't have fun without it now which isn't the case at all.

    I guess as the sub/bottom you can forget how much pressure and responsibility rests on the Dominant.

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