Some perspective on my slave

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by sebastian, May 10, 2011.

  1. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    So I need some perspective on a problem with my slave. He's a good, dutiful slave, works hard to obey my protocols. I like him a good deal. I've owned him from a little over three months. But I realized about a week or so into the relationship that we didn't click enough for me to want to keep him long-term. I explained this to him about a month into the relationship, and he indicated that he was ok with that. This is the first real bdsm relationship for both of us, and we both felt that we were learning a lot.

    I realized early into the relationship that he had very low self-esteem. His mother was very emotionally abusive to him growing up (and still is), and he was raped by a former boyfriend about 15 years ago. So I decided that I needed to put a lot of emphasis in his training on trying to build up his self-esteem. I decided not to do any humiliation or verbal abuse play with him. I emphasized the importance of paying attention to his appearance. I tried to praise him a lot when he did things right, and emphasized his past successes as we played. And his friends and co-workers commented that he seemed more confident, looked better and carried himself better. Guys who had turned him down previously started hitting on him at bars.

    It's clear to me that giving up control to me has given him room to start acknowledging his past pain. A couple of times he began crying as I flogged him. The other night he said 'you're my strength'. And I decided that I had an obligation to him to help guide him through this process of coping with all the things that had happened to him. I told him that I wanted him to seek counseling for the rape.

    So what's the issue? Last night he told me that he really wants this to be a permanent relationship, and that he's willing to do anything and become anything to please me. I told him that I know it's never going to work long-term (it's largely a matter of chemistry--I like him and care about him, but I know that I don't love him). He started crying and talking about how worthless he was, and all his self-esteem issues exploded out. He said he had thought about suicide a couple of times.

    So I'm left with a dilemma. I could dismiss him now; clearly serving me is causing him to think that maybe I'll change my mind and make things permanent. I have an obligation to not harm him, and keeping him longer may make things worse. Dismissing him now will hurt, but it may hurt a lot more if I keep him longer. Or I could keep him longer. I broke down the walls he had been using to keep his unhappiness at bay, so I feel obligated to help him negotiate his current crisis. Dismissing him right now seems a little cruel. But if I keep him longer, I may just wind up hurting him more. There's no guarantee that I can help rebuild his self-esteem in the short term, and I could wind up taking care of him for a long time.

    Any thoughts?
    Last edited: May 11, 2011
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  2. new1

    new1 Member

    Sounds like an attachment issue, formed on the stability you have thus supplied him with.

    Maybe ride it out tactically (separation preparation conditioning) and lengthen the time between sittings and start doing things he will hate (unreliable,stop boosting). Or cut it completely. Anyone who has attachment disorder is going to react badly to either and deciding the lesser of two evils would be almost impossible if it wasn't for one thing; trust.

    If he leaves with trust and honesty and understanding he can take his learning process with him and grow from it. If his eternal circumstances were more stable he would be able to detach easier.... an increase in his self esteem should buffer his 'loss grief reaction.

    I noticed that people like that are just better off not forming attachments to anyone..... But the thing is... If he can release from one he can release from another.. His depression and self esteem issues are sourced from else where, not you. He needs to understand that you don't manage his life, he approached you as an output for only one element of it.
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  3. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I'd say all you can do is to give him the choice of leaving now, or staying, but knowing it's not going to be permanent. The reason not to simply dismiss him is so that you can help him into some support before you shake hands and say good luck.

    You or he probably already have gotten this sorted out, but I'd make sure he was in some sort of counselling, and that he had someone else to fall back on- not for a relationship, but a friend or someone who'll keep an eye on him, and make sure he's waking up most days.

    Or, you could friendzone him. Tell him you care, but it's not going to be a permanent relationship, and the best you can offer is to keep in touch.

    Really, there's no good way to deal with. It's unfortunate, and he's had bad luck, but that doesn't mean you have to keep him there. You've helped him a lot as it is.
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  4. new1

    new1 Member

    Threats of suicide (which I guess is what worries you the most) Are most definitely linked to him feeling out of control of his life, being with you has allowed him to shirk responsibility further.

    Ask him if he remembers a time that he had control over something and use those instances to induce some resemblance of self control or reminders of self government....
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  5. new1

    new1 Member

    I thought that was a good place for an idea..... healthy optimism, leave him with that if you can.

    Talking about this reminds me why I get so reluctant to start things sometimes. When the chemistry is good it is hard to walk away from. But that is what made it worth while. Flip side is that, that is what will make it torturous too.

    Paradoxical nature is a bitch.......I don't think I could let someone go under the circumstances. I would give them 4 weeks to settle with a new dom and tell them that if this is what they discovered they needed that they should never put all their eggs in one basket;or their focus.

    Common for us to want to change the dynamics of a relationship after 3 months.
    Just work towards releasing yourself of the burden and spreading his focus...

    Most important thing to remember is that he is falling in love and isn't going to hear the words that you are saying, his brain will process with a bias. Move him on asap.
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  6. WrathofThor

    WrathofThor New Member

    I agree with the "friendzone" (nice way to put it btw) idea... if he is placing such a huge importance on you in his life, I'm assuming he doesn't have a large network of caring family and friends to fall back on emotionally. I personally think a relationship only works if both parties have a selfish investment in it, but friendship can be more charitable and unconditionally supportive if you want to be that for him.

    Do you get the feeling he wants it to be permanent because he craves support and affection, or is it the BDSM/sex aspect of your relationship that he is really tied to? Depending on your answer, limiting your relationship to friendship could be the same to him as cutting it off completely. If that's the case, I have an idea: as his dom, you could support him and continue playing with him under the agreement that you and him will both look for another dom to take your place that you both agree would be emotionally supportive of him. Chances are there is someone out there that will want him despite the emotional baggage.

    Of course, depending on the extent of his emotional trauma and personality, that could be difficult to find and leave you in an indefinitely compromised position. If it were me, I would try to be friends and do what I could for him outside of BDSM/sex, thereby forcing him to address those issues himself.

    As for HIM... he definitely needs counseling, and I take the mention of suicide to be very serious. However, it's NOT your responsibility and since you've only been together for 3 months I doubt anyone would blame you if you decided to walk out on this one and let him deal with his life. It sounds like you've taken the role of healer, just like I would, so my heart goes out to you. Good luck.

    Does he exercise? That's extremely important to conquer self-esteem issues. I believe mental health begins in the body, that the mind and body are intrinsically linked. How can you feel THAT bad in your head if you feel THAT good in your body? Isn't that why he's so attached to you in the first place?
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  7. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I agree with Thor- if it's not the emotion but the dom he needs, help him find another. Also, if he runs off from you or anything, I'd say honestly that it might be an idea to call the police. Suicide threats regarding breaking up aren't rare to them.

    You could combine our ideas, and help him find another dom, then friendzone him and just keep contact long enough that he doesn't feel like you pushed him to another because he was worthless, as he put it.
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  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Good insights all, and thank you for them. I had another long talk with him tonight, and he was much better. Less despondent, and he seemed more thoughtful about and receptive to my efforts help him see that he has worth. I asked him if he wants to remain in submission to me, and he said he needs to think about it because he's not sure what he wants. I gave him a protocol that twice a day he needs to say to himself "Fuck you, mom. I'm worthwhile" and he seemed to like that idea.

    Unfortunately, with the exception of his step-father and a grandmother who is dying, he doesn't get much love from his family. He has some friends, but they're not close friends he can depend on when things get ugly. In part that's because he's spent 15 years pushing people away from him so that he won't have to think about all the shitty things that have happened to him. I'm hoping that as he learns to feel his emotions, he'll be able to build deeper friendships with people, because he really is a sweet guy with a lot to offer people.

    Wrath, you asked about whether he wanted affection or BDSM sex. I asked him early on if he really wanted to be submissive or if he just thought he had to be submissive to get the love he wants. He said it was the former, but it's become clear to me that in part he's submissive because it's a way to get affection. (He is genuinely submissive though, and definitely a masochist). I think part of the problem is that he's convinced himself that I'm his last chance at love. Tonight I tried to help him view the relationship not as his final failed relationship but his first successful relationship, and I think he got that idea.

    Overall, I'm feeling more like I can find a way to guide him to a healthier place and wind the relationship down with him doing something drastic. And I think he's less suicidal than I thought yesterday.
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  9. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    It's good to hear back from you, Seb. I hope you can help him grow out of this relationship, so keep us posted with what happens?
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  10. new1

    new1 Member

    :) That sounds like a situation well managed. Enjoyed the honesty in this thread and the professional approach seb. "his first successful relationship" love it!
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  11. new1

    new1 Member

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  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Some good thoughts in that article. Thanks, New
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  13. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    I think your right to have your boy seek counseling. I think once he starts going to counseling he might realize that he is -- I'm not sure if my thoughts will come out clear-- but I think he is depending upon you, he's clinging to you because you make him feel good whereas in his past he was raped. And if I was in his position - previously raped, and finding a great guy like you -- I would hang on for dear life.

    If this is the case, perhaps suggest having a third person Dom him while you watch/slight participate, and just keep saying to him during that scene how the third person is bringing him such get the idea, I gotta go. My phone is about dead.
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  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Yeah, there's another dom here that I'm thinking about 'loaning' him to for additional training. I'm hoping that being with another dom will help him realize that I'm not the only dom that he might find happiness with.
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  15. SlaveLuna

    SlaveLuna New Member

    I agree with what's being said above, but if I may, I'll add a bit to it.
    Can you order him to go out and find some friends? Maybe order him to find a few "toys" of his own. I've had a very bad past and I, too had and still have issues with confidence. When you have a good Master it makes you capable of more than you thought you were ever possible. For instance, I have little confidence in myself and my abilities to do things on my own, but if I were ordered to do something I feel bound by that. An obligation. A commitment. I HAVE to do it. I have no choice but to do it.
    My point being, he's afraid of the only person making him capable of doing great things leaving him. It's understandable, but it's also not your responsibility- At least not completely. What he has to realize is that he's capable of doing all of it, of his own accord.

    As a human, you feel obligated to help him out obviously, and to not let him cause harm to himself or others, but it's not fair of him to even say that suicide is an option.

    Here's what I'd do:

    The second he'd mention suicide, I'd tell him that that is NOT an option, and that he is to, under no circumstances harm himself. If you're firm on this, and very direct it can be a powerful, powerful thing.

    Secondly, if you're aware of places he likes to go, or things he likes to do, I'd order him to go out and do these things more often. Meet more people. Have fun. Etc. Order him to make friends, essentially. If he sees that he's capable of making friends on his own, it will help build his confidence in himself. Even though you ordered him to make friends, he'll have to do the work. Also, he'll have more support to help him through the tough times and make him less dependent on yourself.

    Lastly, I'd definitely do as stated above and see if you can find another dom, or maybe just a play-mate for him. Someone to look after him, and again help him be less dependent on you. Though, I think this should only be temporary and I believe it's very important he works on himself before joining another relationship of this type. I've had to learn that the hard way. You don't think clearly when you're depressed and things can get ugly fast.

    I hope this helps. Please let me know how things go. Best of luck.

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