Advice on a cheating sub...

caroline7 · Dec 17, 2011

Thank you

The advice you have all given me has been of such a help. I am glad I have heard a few very different opinions, I feel it is necessary to look at things from lots of different angles but its hard to do that on your own when you are feeling so broken as a girlfriend but also a Dom. What the future holds I do not know, at the moment we are doing well with the communication and digging deep into ourselves to find what we each want from our own futures. I guess the answer to him staying or going will come with time.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my position as a Dom, and your posts have helped dramatically with this. I have discovered a lot about what it means to me and I am now more sure than ever that I can't live without it. I can remember so many times through my relationship with my sub that I wanted to be stricter and do more, but he often held back and was quite unreactive, not very encouraging to a young Dom! But I guess this has been explained by recent truths... I thank chaoticist for your ideas, I hadnt been able to consider how I would begin his retraining and reconditioning, but now I see how important that would be, and how important getting that balance right would be. His previous Dom cannot be ignored, as much as Id like to ignore it, I have to claim back my sub, body and mind.

My Dom side is telling me that my sub has stepped out of line and needs to be punished, tortured and retrained (non abusive way!) but another side of me has lost confidence and thinks i can never be as good as this other Dom. I have talked that through with my sub and he says that there is no comparison, and he should have truely given himself to me from the start, doesn't help my confidence with him though.
"Ultimately the sub is in control, they choose to submit" - a piece of advice given to me by another Dom I know. And very true, he chose not to give himself to me as a Dom for fear of losing me as a girlfriend. Now he isn't scared of that, he wants to be owned by me. But whether I take him, I do not know.

Cx

chaoticist · Dec 17, 2011

Foreverbunny91 said:
The real problem I have is with you suggesting that she play on what are probably REAL fears and to "vent your feelings of hurt and revenge" while in a scene and beating him... If he doesn't consent to that, or that crosses a boundary or it does really hurt him emotionally or make him scared of her cheating on him, doesn't it ruin trust and possibly become unconsensual if he is in real suffering that he isn't enjoying??? I'm praying another more knowledgeable member jumps in here, because I could be dead wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's NOT okay unless he really wants it and it doesn't end up ruining his trust.

Well I agree, but that is what safe words, and judgement from the top are there to prevent.

chaoticist · Dec 17, 2011

sebastian said:
Chaoticist: The person who knows best whether or not Caroline's sub is sincere or not is Caroline, which is why I gave her two options, based on what she thinks of the relationship. But you're right that restoring trust in a situation like that will be a challenge.

I have to strongly disagree with your suggestion that she should tie him up and beat the shit of out him. BDSM should NEVER be done out of anger; when it is, it's abuse, not BDSM. Your suggestion is, in my opinion, a recipe for the complete ruin of the relationship. She is already going to have trouble trusting him, and after a vicious beating he's never going to trust her enough to sub again. Additionally, your suggestion confuses fun play with punishment in a way that will be very confusing for both from that point on: if she tortures him during a play session, is she doing it because she wants him to enjoy it or because she wants him to not enjoy it? Will either of them be able to figure out the answer to that? I doubt it.

Punishing him as a sub is reasonable. But if they enjoy bondage or pain play as a positive element of their sex life, those should not be used for punishment.

IMO if it's consenting and doesn't permanently impair someone, then it's not abuse. I was assuming they have a safe word or some other way for the sub to signal it's going too far and/or he wants to stop - at least that's how I always do things. Just to be clear, I was not suggesting, and don't condone, doing anything against consent.

chaoticist · Dec 17, 2011

caroline7 said:
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my position as a Dom, and your posts have helped dramatically with this. I have discovered a lot about what it means to me and I am now more sure than ever that I can't live without it. I can remember so many times through my relationship with my sub that I wanted to be stricter and do more, but he often held back and was quite unreactive, not very encouraging to a young Dom! But I guess this has been explained by recent truths... I thank chaoticist for your ideas, I hadnt been able to consider how I would begin his retraining and reconditioning, but now I see how important that would be, and how important getting that balance right would be. His previous Dom cannot be ignored, as much as Id like to ignore it, I have to claim back my sub, body and mind.

My Dom side is telling me that my sub has stepped out of line and needs to be punished, tortured and retrained (non abusive way!) but another side of me has lost confidence and thinks i can never be as good as this other Dom. I have talked that through with my sub and he says that there is no comparison, and he should have truely given himself to me from the start, doesn't help my confidence with him though.
"Ultimately the sub is in control, they choose to submit" - a piece of advice given to me by another Dom I know. And very true, he chose not to give himself to me as a Dom for fear of losing me as a girlfriend. Now he isn't scared of that, he wants to be owned by me. But whether I take him, I do not know.

Cx

Often subs have conflict or fears about their submissive/masochistic desires, so they hesitate to express them. As a top you have to take a 'leap of faith' and push harder than they say they want, or admit to liking - once you start doing it, you will know very quickly if it's going too far, because they will safe word or otherwise show that they are genuinely disliking it. But most of the time they will accept it and get into it. And important part of any D/s relationship is the first time the sub says 'stop' but doesn't really mean it (i.e. not safe wording, but just giving some token resistance) - if you stop there, you'll never unlock their true submissive side IMO. It's a kind of challenge in a way, they want to know if you will ignore their token resistance and push harder, it's a way of proving you are capable of genuinely dominating them.

Control and dominance isn't given, it's taken. The 'control' of the sub is ONLY in their ability to deny consent if the 'taking' goes too far - in every other respect the top is in control, and has to be for things to work well IMO. If you wait for them to ask or give permission before doing something, then you are reducing yourself to nothing more than an agent of the submissive's explicitly stated desires - that's not being dominant, that's being a hired agent for the sub's sexual pleasure and whims.

So, if riding roughshod over consent is going too far, and waiting for requests or permission before dominating is not going far enough, there is a middle ground where you are in charge but still respecting your sub's ultimate wishes. You need to have the inner confidence (which grows with experience and understanding) to take the plunge, don't be scared to push him. There's nothing to regret about this, it's just a matter of experience, mutual understanding, trust, and self-confidence in your nature and abilities as a dominant. And the sub can't trust you and give themselves over to you 100%, if you don't trust yourself.

It sounds like you have the desires there:

'I have discovered a lot about what it means to me and I am now more sure than ever that I can't live without it.'

'I wanted to be stricter and do more'

...that's pretty much how a genuine dom or domme would think. So, instead of being afraid of your feelings or repressing them, let them out and dominate him exactly as you want to - and make the only limit the one of his consent. I.e. if he isn't using his safe word, and its within the limits of sanity (i.e. not permanent harm or damage) then keep going as far as you want. IMO both you and him will enjoy it more if you push further and only stop once he *needs* you to stop. Not only will you probably enjoy it more, but it should recapture your dominant authority and make him realise what he would be missing if he fucks it up again!

sebastian · Dec 17, 2011

Recovering that lost sense of dominance over a partner is very tricky. I think it can be done, but it will take work, communication, and a willingness on the part of your sub to consciously be compliant and communicative. Good luck.

Foreverbunny91 · Dec 18, 2011

I think taking dominance is an allusion, as taking implies doing so with or without consent. It requires consent from the sub. The sub has to consent and they have the power to walk away at anytime... This is not to say I don't think the dom can't be or isn't in control of everything else.

Advice on a cheating sub...

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