MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Hi all,
I am a dominant to my boyfriend and sub of 5 years. That was, until a month a ago, when he told me that for the past 2 years he has had been meeting, texting and talking on the internet to one of our "friends" who has been dominating him.
I feel destroyed, but there are limited people who can give me advice, so I hoped if I explained some of the complexities on here, someone who knows the BDSM can help me understand him and the situation. Maybe I'll be able to forgive him...
The history:
He has difficulty understanding the boundaries between friendship and inappropriately close friendships. There have been 4 girls previously where he has spent a lot of time with them, talking to them and staying at there house, but never any physical contact, just a lot of flirting.
The story:
The woman in question is your text book dominant, very obvious, very confident and very often dressed very seductively. She had been on a group friends holiday with us just over two years ago. I was ill in bed the whole weekend. They got closer and eventually kissed on the last night of the holiday. Following the holiday they remained in close contact and the relationship immediately turned to BDSM. There was some sexual contact, no intercourse, but a lot in a domination and control context. Eventually he told me about this very openly and fully, not out of guilt, but out of disgust at himself and the fact our relationship was nearly over from my point of view and i had made that known.
The explanation:
I have been home and away a lot due to my degree course, so our relationship has been a lot of long distance. I have tried to maintain the domination but it has not been easy. This was made even harder by him not being fully open with me...
I was the first girl who dominated him, and the first one not to call him a freak. He is very insecure, especially about BDSM and has developed a habit of trying it on with every girl he gets close to, for an ego boost as part of his insecurity and to see if it is "normal" to like BDSM. He says that the reason he continued with this other woman was because he felt addicted, she was available every night, where i was focusing on Uni work and so he felt she owned him. He says he never wanted to be in a relationship with her and often wanted it all to stop, but due to the nature of domination and submission, he felt he couldnt and every time she told him to do something, it ended up turning him on.
Me:
I have been well aware that our BDSM relationship has slacked, but as much of that was him often saying no, and me losing confidence because of that. He now says that was because he felt ashamed of himself for cheating. He says he believed no one could be a girlfriend as perfect as me, and also be a dominant as perfect as me. He thought that of all the girls he has tried it with, he now believed it wasnt possible to have both in one person. And so he didnt want to give me the chance to be his full Mistress, in case I freaked out and left him, he says he couldnt bare someone he loved to reject his submission.
Fact is. I wouldnt have rejected him. he is just so deeply insecure he couldnt risk it. I had told him on a few occasions that I wasnt happy, I didnt feel passion from him anymore and I was finding it hard to dominate him when he wasnt reactive to me. I hadnt told him that I wanted to break up with him but that is where i was heading, it wasnt out of not loving him, it was because I didnt feel like he was giving me the full relationship (with BDSM) I wanted. He says he purposely created that distance in order to protect himself, so if I left it would feel like my fault and not because I didnt want to dominate him, which he says he cant deal with.
Now:
He wants our loving relationship to work. He has been having counselling to address his insecurities. He says he has only just realised that his true enjoyment for BDSM comes from the underlying passion and love that he has for me. And any scenarios or dominants that aren't centered on that are not satisfying for him. He loves me and wants me to be his dominant again.
I love him, I want to dominate him. I believe he wont go elsewhere again now that he has come clean to me about the depth of his problems. I know that we are perfect for each other, on a relationship level and on a domination level. We have had some very open conversations about what we want our relationship to look like and it can work and it can be amazing.
I just don't know how to forgive, or whether I can forgive. and I know I need to forgive before we can start a new relationship.
Dominating again:
Do I ask him what scenarios they have done, and avoide doing those? or do I do exactly what I want, perhaps recreating something she has done and just hope that he doesnt think about the times with her...
Any thoughts, comments and advice would be so greatly received. Like I said, I need people who understand the BDSM aspect of this situation.
Thanks
C.
I am a dominant to my boyfriend and sub of 5 years. That was, until a month a ago, when he told me that for the past 2 years he has had been meeting, texting and talking on the internet to one of our "friends" who has been dominating him.
I feel destroyed, but there are limited people who can give me advice, so I hoped if I explained some of the complexities on here, someone who knows the BDSM can help me understand him and the situation. Maybe I'll be able to forgive him...
The history:
He has difficulty understanding the boundaries between friendship and inappropriately close friendships. There have been 4 girls previously where he has spent a lot of time with them, talking to them and staying at there house, but never any physical contact, just a lot of flirting.
The story:
The woman in question is your text book dominant, very obvious, very confident and very often dressed very seductively. She had been on a group friends holiday with us just over two years ago. I was ill in bed the whole weekend. They got closer and eventually kissed on the last night of the holiday. Following the holiday they remained in close contact and the relationship immediately turned to BDSM. There was some sexual contact, no intercourse, but a lot in a domination and control context. Eventually he told me about this very openly and fully, not out of guilt, but out of disgust at himself and the fact our relationship was nearly over from my point of view and i had made that known.
The explanation:
I have been home and away a lot due to my degree course, so our relationship has been a lot of long distance. I have tried to maintain the domination but it has not been easy. This was made even harder by him not being fully open with me...
I was the first girl who dominated him, and the first one not to call him a freak. He is very insecure, especially about BDSM and has developed a habit of trying it on with every girl he gets close to, for an ego boost as part of his insecurity and to see if it is "normal" to like BDSM. He says that the reason he continued with this other woman was because he felt addicted, she was available every night, where i was focusing on Uni work and so he felt she owned him. He says he never wanted to be in a relationship with her and often wanted it all to stop, but due to the nature of domination and submission, he felt he couldnt and every time she told him to do something, it ended up turning him on.
Me:
I have been well aware that our BDSM relationship has slacked, but as much of that was him often saying no, and me losing confidence because of that. He now says that was because he felt ashamed of himself for cheating. He says he believed no one could be a girlfriend as perfect as me, and also be a dominant as perfect as me. He thought that of all the girls he has tried it with, he now believed it wasnt possible to have both in one person. And so he didnt want to give me the chance to be his full Mistress, in case I freaked out and left him, he says he couldnt bare someone he loved to reject his submission.
Fact is. I wouldnt have rejected him. he is just so deeply insecure he couldnt risk it. I had told him on a few occasions that I wasnt happy, I didnt feel passion from him anymore and I was finding it hard to dominate him when he wasnt reactive to me. I hadnt told him that I wanted to break up with him but that is where i was heading, it wasnt out of not loving him, it was because I didnt feel like he was giving me the full relationship (with BDSM) I wanted. He says he purposely created that distance in order to protect himself, so if I left it would feel like my fault and not because I didnt want to dominate him, which he says he cant deal with.
Now:
He wants our loving relationship to work. He has been having counselling to address his insecurities. He says he has only just realised that his true enjoyment for BDSM comes from the underlying passion and love that he has for me. And any scenarios or dominants that aren't centered on that are not satisfying for him. He loves me and wants me to be his dominant again.
I love him, I want to dominate him. I believe he wont go elsewhere again now that he has come clean to me about the depth of his problems. I know that we are perfect for each other, on a relationship level and on a domination level. We have had some very open conversations about what we want our relationship to look like and it can work and it can be amazing.
I just don't know how to forgive, or whether I can forgive. and I know I need to forgive before we can start a new relationship.
Dominating again:
Do I ask him what scenarios they have done, and avoide doing those? or do I do exactly what I want, perhaps recreating something she has done and just hope that he doesnt think about the times with her...
Any thoughts, comments and advice would be so greatly received. Like I said, I need people who understand the BDSM aspect of this situation.
Thanks
C.
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