Advice: Introducing spanking in a new relationship

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by 2ndhandgrenade, Apr 18, 2013.

  1. 2ndhandgrenade

    2ndhandgrenade New Member

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    Hi everyone,

    I am writing to you all to ask for some advice on how to introduce spanking into the bedroom in a new relationship. I was in a long term relationship for almost 10 years until Christmas 2011 when we decided to split mutually. During that relationship playful punishment spanking and domination was a big part of our sex life and I always found it a big turn on.

    I have been dating a new guy who is a slim athletic dancer/actor for almost a year now, the relationship is great but different. For starters he is 10 years younger than me at 19 and he does not have that much sexual experience. I would like to introduce the idea of spanking play to him and have briefly spoken with him about it. He tells me that he doesn't like it based on a past experience with a guy he dated for a couple of weeks. From what I understand this guy stripped him naked, tied him to the bed and whipped him quite severely with a riding crop. He tells me that there was blood and marks were left for weeks afterwards. The worst part is that this guy would not stop when asked.

    That is not really what I want to do and I certainly don't want blood all over the bed sheets! I'm interested in playful punishment spanking as a part of sex. Not a severe beating! I'm pretty sure he has found spanking porn on my computer and he has asked me about it. I told him it turns me on and we pretty much left it at that.

    Let me give you an example, recently I have had a problem down there that left me unable to be penetrated for a couple of weeks (Hemorrhoid). We were fooling around recently and he kept telling me that he wanted to fuck me, knowing that letting him do that would most likely hurt A LOT and possibly make a problem that I had just gotten rid of return I said "no, not until I've healed. I can fuck you though" to that he replied "no, you're not going to fuck me if I can't fuck you"

    In past relationships I would have know exactly how to deal with a reaction like that. I would have told him that I was Ill and he wasn't and if he was going to be a brat about it I'd punish him then id fuck him! Then in a split second I would have him over my knee with his boxer shorts around his ankles spanking his bare ass hard until he apologised! Then I would throw his legs over his head and fuck him hard and fast until we both had earth shattering orgasms! Not that unreasonable is it?!

    I'm just not sure how he would react If I just did it. I don't want him to run for the hills. The relationship is more important to me that great sex, it would just be a bonus!

    So does anyone have any advice on how I could approach the subject? I expect he would enjoy it if he tried it!

    Many thanks, I eagerly await your opinions! :D

  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    To start with, you have to sympathize with his bad first experience. He found an idiot who thought he was a dom but broke a couple basic rules (most importantly consent, but also not inflicting harm, and trying to start a sub in the deep end of the pool), and this has left him leery and perhaps a little bit traumatized. So you need to appreciate that your bf is confused about what BDSM is and isn't, is going to have some troubles trusting you on this specific issue, and is going to take some winning over. So when you bring this up to him, make it clear that you understand why he's nervous about this. Reassure him that you would never ignore a safe word. Then explain that you really like this sort of activity and think he might like it if he give it another chance.

    If he agrees to give it another try, don't spring it on him. Get his permission to do it, set up a safe word to make sure there's no confusion ('red' is the classic one), and then do it gently. Don't go for a level of spanking that you want; go for a level that gets a little rise out of him, and then stop. So spank him gently and gradually increase the force until he begins to squirm a little or make a little noise. Then stop and caress his ass, maybe kiss it affectionately, and ask him how he liked it. Tell him that you didn't go rougher because you wanted to make sure that he was enjoying it. And then have a conversation about it--what did he like or not like about it? Was there something you could have done to make it more enjoyable? It's important to send the message that this is about mutual pleasure--you don't enjoy it if he's not enjoying it. That should help him work through his fears about a repeat of his first time.

    If he won't consent to being spanked, or tries it once or twice and doesn't like it, then you may have just accept that he's not a spanking bottom. You can bring it up again in a few months, but under no circumstances try to surprise him with a spanking. At this point, you have to presume that he is not consenting until he learns to find some pleasure in it.

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