Another newbie asking for advice

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by sebastian, Dec 28, 2009.

  1. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    So I'm a fairly new dom. Thus far things are going pretty well, but I have a couple of issues that I'm trying to get a handle on, and hoping that people can advise me.

    Some background: My sub, Alex, is something of a golden boy, and a pretty successful businessman. He's very aggressive in his business life, but is absolutely desperate to be submissive and humiliated. He's got a little experience as a sub (mostly puppy play), but is still fairly new to things. I have less experience. I've gradually been discovering my dom side over the past six months, but Alex is really the guy who's made me aware of it. I'm pretty laid back in my general life, but enjoy being dominant, although I'm probably never going to be a full-throttle dom. Since we're both fairly new to this, we've generally confided our d/s activities to the bedroom, but Alex is very interested in lifestyle d/s issues, and I'm willing to explore that eventually. So on to my questions:

    1) Alex's work keeps him pretty busy, to the point that we can't have a regular schedule yet. On several occasions he's had to cancel sessions because of work-related issues (he travels on a weekly basis, among other things). We've agreed that our relationship will have to accommodate his work situation. But on a few occasions, I've gotten the sense that he's using the demands of his work as a way to exercise some degree of control over our sex life (for example, on one occasion he told me that I couldn't come over on a Sunday because he had some complicated documents he had to draw up for the next day). Any ideas how I can assert control in a situation like this?
    2) Alex's biggest turn on is humiliation. What he really wants is for me to simply use him, sexually and otherwise, with no regard to what he wants. He fantasizes about me owning him, his property, and so on, and he likes the idea of me becoming 'corrupt' (by which he means that I would use him in profoundly immoral ways). I'm willing to play the uncaring master, but in reality I'm very concerned that I not harm him physically or emotionally and that I not take advantage of the power he wants to give me. He has a very strong sense of self, but he wants me to break him down completely. Obviously these are very complicated issues, but does anyone have any advice for how to humiliate him in ways that won't leave long-term psychological damage? Neither of us is interested in feminization or infantilization at all.
    3) Another of Alex's big turn ons is that idea that I would order him to engage in humiliating sexual activity to men he's not attracted to. He wants me to take him to a bath house and order him to perform oral sex on random strangers. While I understand the attraction of such a fantasy, I obviously have reservations about the health risks involved (and Alex acknowledges those issues, but he talks about this fantasy constantly). So this is really two questions. A) any suggestions about how to address this fantasy in a safe, sane, consensual way? B) does anyone have advice for how to deny a sub something they deeply desire but which the dom is reluctant to provide? I realize that as the dom, I have control over what we actually do, but our relationship is built on mutually exploring each other's desires.
    Any advice, suggestions, or insight is deeply appreciated.
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Nobody has any thoughts or advice?
  3. EZRA

    EZRA Member

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    Compromise is normal in a relationship of any kind.

    I would suggest these:
    for 1. you need to have consequences for missed dates or last minutes "bails" to keep him motivated to get his work done.
    As the Dom you need to assert your control and so he understands that your in charge and He will suffer when he fails to comply with an order.
    Obviously there will be mitigating circumstances from time to time.

    2. Humiliation isn't about one thing or another it's specific to your sub.
    so look for things that embarrass him and reduce his stature, it can be as simple as name calling or performing some service he dislikes, ie, cleaning your toilet or some other menial job especialy if he's highly paid and educated. Sometime it's dressing him in a particularly embarrassing outfit, especialy if he's vain at all.This can also be a good punishment, make him go out in public in the very clothes that he may find stupid and ugly, like say plaid pants and a print shirt.I think you get the picture.

    3. This one is harder, but I think a good compromise would be to find a number of guys with whom you feel safe with and have enough knowledge of ,that you can be reasonably sure that they are clean, that you can make regular "dates" with to use him as a sex toy.
    No it's not the complete stranger thing, but if there your "friends" and not his it's pretty close.
    You can set it up so no one talks or interacts with him in any way other than to "use" him.
    Making him an object instead of a person, this goes along with humiliation nicely.
    From my experiences with the gay community this should not be too hard to do.
    Maybe an ad in Craigslist with the stipulation that they get tested befor hand at a clinic of your choice. and get to know them well enough to see if thier going to be abusive.
    This can get hairy so you need to be incontrol of the whole thing from begining to end.
    If you go this way make sure you know who your dealing with, get names and verify addresses.
    Make sure they know it's your "game" and they are expected to play by your rules.
    He dosent need to know these guys but you do.
    As the Dom the safety and security of your sub is in your hands
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2010
  4. subspace

    subspace Member

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    I think people have been reluctant to answer this post because an entire book on the how-to’s of beginning a BDSM relationship would be appropriate in answering this post. You asked great questions but the answers are very involved. My best advice it to read, read and read. A few of my friends are currently reading and discussing BDSM 101, The Bottoming Book and The Loving Dominant. All of these would really help you to get a better understanding of the lifestyle as you begin your journey. Ill take a shot at answering…
    1) Regardless of the reason as to why he feels the need to change a schedule that has been previously agreed upon there should be a consequence. It doesn’t have to be a severe punishment but some for of discipline that lets him know that while you understand life and work are unpredictable your rules are not. He has a choice, follow the schedule or take the consequence.
    2) Look around the site. There are tons of ideas for scene’s involving humiliation that you can tailor to meet your unique relationship.
    3) Several members have discussed the use of sensory derivation to achieve a fantasy of being used by a stranger. Use earplugs with headphones and maybe some kind of music along with a blindfold. If you set up the scene in advance to inform him that his going to be used by strangers then this may be a safe way to at least dip your toes into the fantasy without or before bring others in.
    Good luck!
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Thanks so much for the suggestions. I know these are complex issues, Subspace, so I was trying to be as specific as I could to get at the heart of my uncertainties. I appreciate that both you and Ezra took the time to respond. I knew the lack of response was either that I had asked really big questions or I had unwittingly said something really inappropriate and people were offended.

    I've been doing a lot of reading, both of various sites and the books I could get ahold of, and I'm acutely aware of my responsibilities as his master. I'm still trying to figure out the balance between helping him explore his desires and being the guy who makes the final decisions. He so desperately wants me to 'whore him out' to other guys. For the time being, I've told him this is a possible reward for good service some time down the road. Both your suggestions for pursuing this are good ones, and I'll have to think about them.

    So what about question 3b? What if I decide for whatever reason, that I don't want to pursue this fantasy? It's something he really wants. So how does a dom tell his sub that something the sub truly wants is off the table? Obviously he needs to obey me, but his consent is to some extent predicated on the idea that I will help him explore his deep desires. Is this simply one of those places where dom and sub have to re-negotiate consent?

    Ezra, the clothing idea is a good one. He _is_ vain, so something that fucks with his appearance will really push his buttons. He's politically quite conservative, so I may make him wear an Obama t-shirt. He'll absolutely hate that.

    Again, thanks so much for the advice. It's very appreciated.
  6. subspace

    subspace Member

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    This is where you must be honest with each other on limilts. Often a Dom and a subs limits vary and the idea is to come to an agreement on limits that the two of you can work with. From your discussion it sounds like this may not be a hard limit for you but if it is you must let Alex know rather than telling him that it may be a possibility further down the road. Be honest and get it all out on the table as early as possible to help avoid frustration and pain in th future.
  7. EZRA

    EZRA Member

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    There needs to be some agreement.
    If "whoring him out" is not something your comfortable with and don't want to do.
    Then negotiation is definatly in order.
    Communication is THE most important thing for a successful BDSM relationship.
    You both need to be able to express your wants,needs and desires,BUT not at the cost of the other.
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Playing with others is definitely not a hard limit for me. My concern is entirely about keeping him safe from disease. Like I said, I'm very conscious that with the added control of this sort of relationship comes the added responsibility for his health and safety. If something happened to him, I'd feel staggeringly guilty.

    I'm pretty good at communication; Alex is a little more reticent. But I appreciate being reminded of the importance of good communication. I'm staggered by how much information I need to process at this point. There's a pretty steep learning curve when one gets into this stuff. Thanks again.

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