Sebastian's got a slave!

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by sebastian, Feb 17, 2011.

  1. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Click here for more.
    So I've acquired a slave to train. The boy and I agreed that I would train him for one month and then re-assess the situation. My physical attraction to him is not as strong as I would like (ok, to be blunt, he's not as hot as I would like), but I decided that I wanted the experience of training a boy, and he understands that this is probably not going to be a permanent relationship. He's eager to be trained, as he's been interested in being a slave for a while.

    Within the first week of training him, we stumbled into a land mine. He's in his late 30s, and in his mid-20s, he was raped by a boyfriend he was breaking up with. It was a pretty traumatic event, something he's been running away from ever since it happened. He never told anyone, but very quickly after I started training him, he felt compelled to open up about it to me, with the result that he's been pretty emotionally raw--he's broken down several times and cried about it. He says that having the structure of my protocols is forcing him to confront the ways it's affected him. For example, I ordered him to dress more neatly, which made he start seeing that he was being sort of sloppy about his appearance because he felt like a victim. And I've ordered him to seek out help from a rape counseling center.

    I've been learning a lot from the experience of dictating protocols to a boy. One thing I've struggled with is letting him open doors for me. I gave him a protocol to walk slightly behind me, but to move ahead of me and open doors. But it's been hard to break myself of the habit of opening a door for myself, especially when that door swings away from me, which requires the boy to go ahead of me, open the door, walk through it, and hold it open for me. It's forced me to realize the ways that protocols bind the dom as well as the sub; I have to provide him with opportunities to serve me.

    What sorts of things have other doms struggled to get used to with a slave/regular sub?
  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Click here for more.

    I dont really have any answers (being a sub and all) but I hope this turns out to be a positive experience for you both!!
  3. rick1283

    rick1283 New Member

    Click here for more.

    I've read some of your posts throughout the forum (particularly the FAQ :p ) and by the looks of things, I'm sure you'll be able to help him (along with the professional help).

    Personally, I think you're going about it the right way. I've had a few friends that were raped, and for them, opening up and talking helped. I was able to help them remember that the rape can't define them if they don't let it.
  4. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Click here for more.
    Happy for you Seb. First and foremost.

    Your protocols seem to be helping him.
    The real question is whether you have the patience to deal with baggage.

    Sounds like you do, since you're asking.
    Sounds like he already knows that you're not that guy.

    It will come up.... and you will handle it.
    It's the advice you've given to so many out there, about the sessions... and the aftercare.

    Hope things go well.
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2011
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Click here for more.
    Thanks! My biggest concern right now is that he's relying on the structure and security that being my slave provides to find the courage to address what happened to him. How he will react if I decide to release him I don't know. It makes me a little hesitant to release him. I'm not ready to release him yet, but I know that I will get to that point eventually.
  6. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Click here for more.
    I'm no dom, but I think you should keep in mind that a partner (or a master/dom) should never be an emotional crutch. I strongly believe that there are many issues that people need to work out for themselves and while talking to others and have support is amazingly helpful it is not your job to fix his issues

    I know there are really strong feelings surrounding being a dom and helping your sub, but like I said, you're helping but you can't do everything. It seems heartless, but staying with someone just because you dont want to hurt their feelings in the break-up (in this case, being released) is never a good idea.

    Being a slave and having your guidance can be a wonderful healing process, but I would encourage that you find ways to help him overcome his issues outside of being a sub as well, so that your relationship isn't a crutch (and I'm not saying it is, but some of your statements are a little troubling and I just thought I'd share)
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Click here for more.
    One thing I realized very quickly was that he didn't have much sense of pride. So that has been one of my major goals. I made him look in a mirror and pointed out all the ways that his clothing pointed to a lack of pride--jeans with holes in them, ratty shoes, a tattered leather jacket, and bad haircut. So I helped him get some tidier clothes (found him a good leather jacket on Craigslist for $25) and then made him look in the mirror and repeat that he was a proud gay man. A couple days ago, he told me that his co-workers were commenting on the fact that he seemed more confident, dressing better, and so on. So I'm hoping that this will help him even if I dismiss him.
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2011
  8. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Click here for more.
    Wow!! That sounds like a great step forward!

    also, a creative way to boost confidence!
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Click here for more.
    Thanks, Silly. I use a variation on that technique for humiliation play--I force the boy to repeat the insult I just said. Saying something out loud helps to affirm it and internalize it. So it seemed a logical way to attack his problem.
  10. Luna

    Luna Member

    Click here for more.
    Sebastian, you are a very intelligent man. Whatever it was that you two were engaged in at that time you must have hit a trigger for him to break down and admit that to you. Life is about experiences, good and bad, and such an experience is very difficult to move past. I would guess he craves this D/s relationship but his experience, his fear has held him back. It is hard to put trust in another after that and in this lifestyle trust is the most important factor. He is fortunate to have found you. It sounds as though you have done him a tremendous amount of good so far, but continue to be honest with him because if and when the time comes to end the relationship .... from the other side, once you've admitted to someone that you've been raped it is very difficult to let them go.
  11. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    Click here for more.
    Wow finally glad for you Seb :)
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Click here for more.
    Luna, thanks for the kind words. Yeah, I'm definitely concerned with whether he might be getting too attached to me. I've tried to be very clear with him that I don't think I'm likely to develop romantic feelings for him, and he says he understands that. But that doesn't mean he won't fall for me. I'm just focusing on being the best dom I can be and learning as much as I can from him and from the process.
  13. P.S.Eudonym

    P.S.Eudonym Member

    Click here for more.
    Back when I was a kid, there was this girl I was in love with but who hated me and enjoyed toying with my feelings. Once I told my parents about it, my mother told me that despite what happens, I am allowed to be wholesome and happy. (In the sense that none can take that away from you.)
    Since then, I have met three rape victims and telling them this sentence like a mantra has helped all three of them. (One of them repeats it over and over in her head whenever she is faced with her fears and she seems to draw a lot of strength from it.)
    Being made a victim is a horrible injust experience, but staying a victim is a choice. Realizing that, and that no past action can taint your future unless you allow it to, is probably the most important step a victim can make. (In my opinion & experience at least.)

    When you took him on as a slave you took on the responsibility for his well being, for a while at least and within those constraints you should honor it. That being said, realize that being both: therapist and love interest never work out. Eventually, the baggage is overcome and one of the two becomes obsolete. From this, you can draw the safety that eventually parts of his interest in you will vanish. The tricky part is which.

    I am aware that you are a lot more experienced in this than I am, but I feel the need to point out the following: Consider the possibility that his desire to be a slave and be trained is part of his subconcious justification for his attacker. In my experience, victims of violence find countless excuses for their attackers, to make the event seem less random and hence more understandable. Giving away the responsibility to make choices in his sexuality could point to him wanting to create the image that the rape was not a rape but simply a dom/sub game. While this may seem like a great bandaid, it is also a delusion that will eventually break down. This dynamic is impossible to figure out without actual contact to the person so I will not interpret in that direction, but if you feel this might be the case, you should think very hard on wether or not keeping him as a slave is a contructive way of recovery for him.

    Finally, cudos for handling the situation as you do. The whole BDSM aspect aside, I have known many people who have ran away, cutting all ties and perpetuating the vicious cycle of victimization, out of the simple fear of how the emotional baggage may affect them. The fact that you did not and instead took on the responsibility and honored his trust speaks well of you as a person.
  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Click here for more.
    PS, thanks for the kind words. I'm not necessarily that much more experienced that you are--this is my first slave, and I've only been actively playing this way for about 18 months. So don't be too impressed with me.

    Your points about the way rape victims may avoid acknowledging what happened are good ones, but my slave doesn't seem to be in denial about being raped. He's mostly struggled with trying to stay in control. He told me that for 14 years, he never let anyone get close, and never told anyone what happened. Within two days of giving up control to me, he had begun talking to me about being raped, and now he's told his father, his brother, and a friend. So for him, admitting that he's not in control with me seems to have made it possible for him to admit that he wasn't in control of what happened back then.

    He's got some complex issues with anal sex as a result. The two times we tried to have anal sex doggie style (which is my preferred position), he's gotten extremely scared, and the second time started screaming in pain despite my going slow, loosening him up with toys, using tons of lube, and not actually getting into him. He was held face down during the rape, so face down sex makes him clench up so much that he feels pain even though objectively he shouldn't. The next time we try it we're gonna try it face up, which he says feels safer to him.

    I decided to go a lot slower with anal sex, so I've been having him wear a butt plug, which he likes. Last night I tied him face down and did a little pain play on his ass, mixed with lots of caressing, tickling, and other sensation play. At first he was really scared. Then he asked me to move the pillows (turns out the rapist pressed his face into the pillows), and as soon as I did that, he relaxed a lot and just let me work on him, which he found very arousing. I would have liked to go further, but I don't want to press him too hard; I figure small steps to desensitize him are more likely to have lasting results.
  15. P.S.Eudonym

    P.S.Eudonym Member

    Click here for more.
    Your welcome. 18 months is a lot more than two weeks, so credit where credit is due. ;)

    I am glad to see he is making progress and apparently a healthy one. Lets hope this keeps up.

    His issues with anal sex seem similar to the problems another victim I know had and appartently are very common. The muscles and our subconcious remember the original act and react upon any perceived threat in a defensive way. He is actively affraid, but his body reacts in the only way it can, it tightens up to prevent any intrusion. Its very likely that not your actions but the stress on his muscles combined with the surfacing memory caused the actual pain. If I was you, I'd rule out face down sex for a while to come.

    I'd also like to point out the importance of easing him into sex as a joyous, comforting thing. This is key to the healing process of all rape victims both as a method of normalization and as a way to feel as a wholesome human being again. (Many rape victims, understandably, stay clear of sex, but as a result feel incomplete because their unwillingness/ inability to have sex removes them from "normal" society. Others, in an attempt to emulate normality, plunge themselves into sexual escapades, essentially repeating the act of the attack emotionaly and physically.)
    In order to help this process, I'd like to advise you to ensure he sees your face and emotional state as much as possible, especially during actual sex, i.e. penetration. Realizing that you are paying attention to his wants/ needs, interact with him instead of just taking and knowing you are not his attacker will help him.

    You are dealing with one of the most complex emotional and psychological issue known to man, slow and gentle is right way to go. :)

Share This Page