Did I Over-react?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by sebastian, Dec 8, 2012.

  1. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    So there is a young, inexperienced dom/sub couple here in my city--dom is 26, sub is 22. The dom tends to be emotionally insecure, and they are both trying to make the relationship work without really understanding what power exchange looks like. The dom doesn't like other guys expressing too much interest in his sub--the sub will be moving away in 6 months, and the dom isn't really sure why the sub is into him, although the sub says he's very committed for the time they'll be together. The dom also seems a bit flaky--he says that I'm the only dom in the city he's interacted with who hasn't been rude to him. During the time I've know him, he's had a tendency to ignore my messages, which I've overlooked even though it irks me a little.

    I've been trying to mentor them, but it's been hard finding a way to teach them. I can't use the boy as a 'test model', because that looks like I want the boy. I can't work on the dom, because he's uncomfortable being submissive. I've suggested that maybe I could sub for him for a bit, but without being able to show him what to do, he's still going to be fumbling around a lot.

    Finally I figured out something. I offered to invite a slave I know up from another city. The four of us would have lunch together, with the two subs serving. Then I would play with the slave and let them watch. They could watch, join in, or play alongside if they wanted to. The only catch is the slave is HIV+, but has an undetectable viral load (meaning it will be very hard for him to transmit the virus, even with unsafe sex).

    I told the boy about him two weeks ago, and give him a link to the slave's profile, which explicitly states he's poz. The day before the meeting, I told the dom that the slave is poz, and emphasized that they did not have to play with him if they didn't want to.

    So the slave drives up, and he and I set things up. I buy lunch fixings. 15 minutes after they are supposed to arrive, I get a call from the boy, saying that he's feeling freaked out about the salve being poz. I repeat that they don't have to play with him, but he says he doesn't feel comfortable, so they cancel. I'm feeling a little disrespected personally, and very offended that they would be so rude to the slave who drove 90+ minutes to help teach them.

    This morning I wake up to a message from the dom. He apologizes for cancelling, but then goes on to tell me that I was very disrespectful for not telling him more than a day in advance, and telling me I need to apologize to him.

    I told him to fuck off, because I feel that he was extremely rude to me--he had his boy call rather than calling himself!--and I feel that I've done nothing wrong. Did I over-react?
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2012
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  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    No, I think you were right. You gave him ample warning, and even if it was only a day in advance (and I can't tell your timeline, but it sounds like it was more than that), he cancelled at the last minute, which is much more rude, especially seeing as he could have the day before and spared the drive. Not to mention the fact that he being 'uncomfortable' even playing or being around an HIV positive man is rude in itself. Then there's the call. I'd be pissed too.
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2012
  3. Trixie

    Trixie New Member

    You didn't over react at all, you gave him the link to the slave's profile, it was stated in there, and you warned him before. If he was nervous about simply being around him, then that's narrow minded of him and he's not someone you want to associate with!! That was very rude of him!
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  4. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

    To my knowledge I've never met or been in a situation where I might meet someone who is hiv+. So I can only do some guess work here based on general human behavior and what you've said.

    If his profile does say clearly that hes hiv+, and its not some small profile detail that one might be able to overlook if they're scanning a long list of info on a person, and you gave it to the both of them well in advance with explicit instructions to read it.
    Also, if you did indeed tell them a day before the slave even left.

    Then yes I think it was pretty dickish of them to snub the both of you because the slave is pos.

    But I will say that both you and the other dom could have handled it better. You had the right to be angry, the other dom was in the wrong, and asking you to apologize to him for not telling him the slave was pos soon enough? when you did?

    However, maybe you let your anger control you when you told him to fuck off. This dom seems to he a dick and hes done things that make you angry, but you've let them slide. Have you? Maybe they just built up until this straw broke the camels back?

    You should think about your reasons for wanting to mentor this dom. For even associating with them at all if they're not very nice.
    Afterward, meet the dom alone somewhere neutral like a starbucks, ask him if he really wants you to teach/mentor him. Then calmly hash out this problem between you if it is important to you.
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2012
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Darknova: I've wanted to mentor these guys for a couple of reasons. I'm a teacher by nature, mentoring is a way to help keep leather alive, I have sympathy for these guys trying to do power exchange without a role model, and so on. But this dom seems to be obsessed with the idea that other doms disrespect him. He told me that he keeps meeting doms who won't respect his authority over his sub, and originally I thought he was just having some bad luck meeting jerks, but after the message he sent me I think he's got some sort of issue about feeling disrespected. I think he's really insecure and is trying to compensate for it by being dominant.
  6. spike

    spike New Member

    He sounds really insecure and not stable to me. It is very kind of you want to help other people, it would really benefit both of them. Just be careful of people like that.

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