gothula -
Have you considered, being new to this, that your partner is trying to make you fit a fantasy, but needs things to go "just so"?
I've got another take on this, and could be totally off base, but many of us, Dom or Sub, start really early with waking dreams that work into our masturbation practices. I think you have it right in saying that he is submissive (now), but controlling. In my opinion, it's very possible that he's a Dom who hasn't let himself accept it.
....By the way, I will be using the terms Dom and sub, but these could just as easily be Top and bottom.
Regarding Seb's comments - I think both scenarios could be true, and likely are.
Everything I've read from you says that his masturbation fantasies have been with him as the sub, but this is typical of early Doms too. Many with more experience than me have said that most good Doms have a lot of sub in them too. A loving Dominant may have huge subconscious reservations about acting out on their instincts for fear of harming or degrading their partner, especially if their working fantasy involves pain stimulation and humiliation. They get that whisper in their ear, something like.."Oh God. How could I ever do that to her!".
I'd like you to consider a working session, or workshop, if you haven't before. In these sessions you enter with eyes open to each other, try various ties, punishments, and stimulation on each other with working comments from each on how it feels and if it's preferred. This also involves some honest talk about your fantasies and your real desires. Think of it as a judgement free zone. Of course you both have to be ready to really hear each other and not freak out. The nice thing is that it doesn't all have to come out in one session. Typically it takes many.
In a relationship where you start out already in love, this really helps. When you described how he tops you, with all the questions, it sounds like he is applying his mentality to you and wants it to be just how you like it (just like him), and that if it's not right it's a turn off. He seems to also be aware that his pain points are different than yours. Many just assume that if they can take it ,so can you. That doesn't always work out, so good for both of you.
I've written about this before. If any of this applies, take a look at these other posts below. I hope this gets you closer to what you want.
SJ's comments are on point, but I'm guessing it's too early to pull that off this early, but you will eventually. Even if her turns out to be a Dom, I think he'll always be a switch.
The concept of topping from below is pretty common, but usually starts later in the relationship. Most loving dominants get their stimulation from the helplessness, exposure, and orgasms their partner experiences at their hands. In the early stages of these relationships however, the dominant partner focuses on their own pleasure from the visual and tactile experience of the scene. Invariably this changes to where most of the Dominant's energy put into the sub, to absorb their feedback. Once people reach this higher level of sexuality they rarely go back..... but I think I've changed the subject
Suffice to say - Each of you are your own book. You just have to learn how to read each other. Use the work sessions on each other. You may find over time that he's got a lot of Dom in him.
Hope this helps.
Here are some other threads with more on work sessions or workshops.
http://www.smplace.com/forum/155151-i-seriously-need-some-help.html
http://www.smplace.com/forum/12581-my-master-thinks-im-too-controlling.html
http://www.smplace.com/forum/548724-bdsm-help-how-do-i-experiment-with-a-novice-subs-threshold.html