Starting BDSM in an existing "Vanilla" relationship?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Lunasattva, Apr 3, 2012.

  1. Lunasattva

    Lunasattva New Member

    Hi all. I'm new to the site today. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

    I've been in a long running vanilla relationship with no BDSM experience on either side. We've been talking about getting into it for a while, primarily because I'm pretty sure I'm a Sub and my man loves me enough to try being a Dom for me. I'm very grateful for his patience and understanding. The problem has been that we've always been very equal sexually. He is not a natural Dom and it's been difficult for me to see him in that light no matter what he does. Part of the pleasure for me would be knowing that my Dom is as excited as I am by what's happening. Do you all think there is any hope for us to create that dynamic after all this time?

    I'd greatly appreciate your input.

    I wasn't sure where on the main forum this would be appropriate and wanted to start off cautiously so as not to annoy anyone. I apologize if there is a better place for this question.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2012
    Free LIFE TIME Keep2Share Premium
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Not a ton of people are going to see your thread in the guest forum, so I took it over here. You don't have to worry about annoying anyone, as long as you're not being obnoxious on purpose or anything (and no, you haven't come off as 'obnoxious by accident' either. You're good :)).

    There is a section, not all of which will apply to you, in the Newcomer's FAQ, about helping your vanilla boyfriend or husband become a dom. I also suggest you read the rest of the FAQ, just to learn more, get ideas, etc.

    Take things step by step. He doesn't have to have total control of everything right away. Start focussing on pleasing him during sex, and making positions, etc, all his decision. Even if any other elements of BDSM aren't happening, you'll be giving him dominance.

    The key part to any D/s relationship is communication, and you do have to tell him what you want to try, what you're concerned about, etc. You have to find out about his fantasies, and help him live them out through this as well. He might not be into bondage or impact play, but he might be interested in some kind of roleplay that can incorporate it.

    And being able to get him into BDSM or not has nothing to do with you being in a vanilla relationship so long. Yes, it might mean that convincing him to try is a bit harder, since you two may be set in your ways, but if he simply has no interest in it, or it doesn't turn him on, that might not change, and it probably wouldn't have made a difference if you'd tried sooner. If part of him is that he's vanilla, it might be impossible for him to enjoy domming you.

    That isn't to say you shouldn't try, but most of the more positive advice is at the link I gave you already, so I don't want to reiterate it all.
     
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I said a number of major things in the Newcomer's FAQ, so I won't repeat them here. I think it's fairly important to help your bf/husband understand that BDSM is more than what he's seen in porn and bad movies. He needs to see past the Outer Layer to the Inner Layer (see the Newcomer's FAQ for that idea), because until he understands that being dominant can be an expression of love, he'll assume that being dominant is about being an asshole. Since he loves you, he doesn't want to be an asshole to you. So explain to him that being submissive isn't about you wanting to be a doormat--it's about giving, pleasing, and serving him. It's not easy to learn to be served. It's not an intuitive concept for modern egalitarian Americans, and being submissive is hard for vanilla people to understand, because it seems so paradoxical. So realize that your big task here is to help your guy change the way he thinks about things.
     

Share This Page