Question for experienced Doms and/or subs

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Daddy'sGirl, Jun 27, 2013.

  1. Daddy'sGirl

    Daddy'sGirl New Member

    My Master and I recently decided to try the BDSM lifestyle, but we are having issues with my attitude. When He reprimands me, I retaliate 6 out of 10 times. We really like this lifestyle but we want it to work.

    Can I have any tips that would be beneficial?

    Thank you
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Well, you're the only one who can control your attitude. On a basic level, it's your job as the sub to learn to control your attitude. If you don't want to learn to control yourself, perhaps you shouldn't be in a power exchange relationship. If I had a sub who was retaliating against me when I disciplined him, I'd have a long conversation about whether he wanted to be in a relationship with me.

    Having said all of that, what you need to do is have a serious conversation with your master. You need to talk about the parameters of your relationship. You talk about your master, so I'm guessing that you're trying to do a 24/7 master/slave relationship. If neither you nor he has experience with that sort of relationship, then you probably shouldn't be jumping all the way into the deep end of the pool. Full master/slave is the hardest form of BDSM relationship to make work.

    So you need to talk about what you two want to accomplish, what your limits are, how to handle discipline, and so on. The two of you need to agree to the rules of your relationship. And once you've established the rules, then you both need to follow those rules.
  3. EG1984

    EG1984 New Member

    I agree with sebastian, if you can't seem to keep your attitude submissive then either you are not really into it or that maybe you tried to go too far too fast.
    If you were engaged in a vanilla relationship prior to the bdsm one, then maybe you tried to change things too fast - it's very common that our desires don't match how we behave in practice, to some of us being assertive and not taking crap from people are life long habits and hard to eradicate, especially when we are expected to eradicate them just in front of one specific person. I say, start small, start slow - our brain has remarkable plasticity and is able to learn,unlearn and relearn just about any behavioural pattern, but it needs time, and graduality (is that even a real word? :p ) is your best friend.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    EG is right. If you have a very deeply ingrained resistance to authority, it will take time and practice to learn to be submissive to a partner. So don't try to do it all at once.

    When I started training my currently slave, we typically only got together once a week. So we were 24/7, but only that one or two days a week (if that makes sense). In other words, we tried to be fully into our power exchange, but only on the days we were actually together. Eventually, we found time to meet twice a week and weekends, and then he started sleeping over Fri night through Mon morning. After 6 months like this, he just moved in to my apartment, and so we're really only truly doing 24/7 just now. This gave him time to adjust to having to subordinate his desires to mine. But even now, we had not gone truly TPE because he has not surrendered control over certain facets of his life. I do not have real control over his career matters--he and I discuss his career and educational choices and I give input and advice, but at this point, he makes the final choices on that. Likewise I do not control his finances. When I tell him to buy something (like groceries or dinner at a restaurant) he always does so because he doesn't like saying no to me, but I don't have access to his bank account. These are really big areas where I feel that master and slave should wait a long time before exchanging power.

    And even with 6 months of practice, there are still moments where he is less than fully accepting of my commands. Just now I ordered him to coddle some eggs for me. He's never made coddled eggs, and his response was "Oh God, how the hell do I do THAT!" (in a tone of voice that said "hell, no!". But he did it.

    So I would suggest that you scale back your power exchange for a bit. Start with TPE in the bedroom--he gets whatever he wants sexually. As you get comfortable obeying in that arena, start expanding it in modest ways--he gets to dictate how you dress, he orders meal in restaurants, etc. Then throw in general commands outside the bedroom ("get me a beer", "you need to clean the kitchen today") and work from there.

    It also helps to remember that different doms and subs may need different kinds of submission. For example, some subs like to be micomanaged, while others like a good deal of autonomy in how they follow commands. I don't like micromanaging, so I generally give my slave broad instructions about what I want done, and I tend to let him decide how and when and in what order he does it. We're getting into a routine where I give him instructions for the day. This morning, I told him that I wanted the trash cans emptied and the bedroom cleaned, but I didn't tell him when or exactly what needed cleaning. He'll organize his day to make sure those things happen. I can still tell him I want something done right now, but generally I find it easier to be broad in my instructions. Now, if he needed micromanaging, there would be a problem, because I'm not good with that, and in that case, he and I would have to have a long talk about how to make that work; maybe I would have to learn to get more comfortable with giving him detailed instructions, or maybe he would need to show more initiative within my commands. A good master learns how to get the best use out of his tools.

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