Prorocol/permission question with new sub and her Master

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Feel_the_sensation, Mar 1, 2010.

  1. Feel_the_sensation

    Feel_the_sensation New Member

    Hi, I've been in the lifestyle for about 10 years now and ran into a new situation. I started emailing and chatting online with a new sub in my area. We haven't met face to face yet. She has a Master but is not collared. Theirs is a long-distance relationship. They have never been together. She has permission to chat on-line with Doms and others.

    Recently our conversations have taken a turn for the serious. I'd like to play with her and she'd like to play. What is typical prototol for a sub to ask permission of her Master in a situation like this? How should she broach the subject with her Master as she's never felt this drawn to any of her other on-line chats/emails as she has to me. I also didn't know the details of her situation until it started getting potentially more serious.
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  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    If I was a dom, and my sub wanted to play with someone else, the first thing on my mind would be that my sub was thinking about leaving me (but I'm not a dom and yadda yadda). So unless she really is thinking about leaving him for you, then she might want to make that clear.
    Honestly, I haven't been part of the lifestyle all that long but I would personally approach the situation as a serious topic. "With your permission I would like to try a scene with someone I met, it seems interesting" instead of "I met someone I'm really interested in and I want to play with them" seems like a (simplified and) safe way of starting off the conversation.

    I don't really know though, I think a lot depends on the dom and the relationship between them.
  3. Feel_the_sensation

    Feel_the_sensation New Member

    Well, I definitely do not want to undermine another Master. Much of this is coming to light after we have exchanged emails, with his permission. Problem is that her frustration is coming out and she's actually been expressing feelings, desires, and fantasies to me that, when I asked her, she hadn't expressed to her Master before.

    She's asking me what she should do and I'm really not sure how to answer that. As with vanilla relationships, some D/s relationships last a long time, other times not so long - for many reasons. In order for her to be happy, it has to be beneficial to both of them.

    The other factor is that she's very new to this and is still learning what this is all about and new feelings just keep coming out as we email that she's had but wasn't aware of. This is her first Master and it is a long-distance relationship. As with all kinds of relationships, the first one isn't generally forever. I think her biggest issue right now is that she has to get in touch with her "submissiveness".
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Hmm. It's certainly complicated. If one of my subs were in her situation, I would hope that the other dom would respect my rights and find a way to seek my permission before simply playing with my sub. I think this is particularly important for on-line d/s play, where the physical bonding between dom and sub doesn't happen and the ties are therefore correspondingly weaker. So I guess my advice would be to discuss what the sub is really looking for and ask her why she can't get that from her current master. Depending on her answer, I would either encourage her to seek this satisfaction from her master or ask her master for permission to play with you. I might ask her to provide some contact information for her master and speak to him directly so that he knows what your intentions are and what you expect to be doing with his sub.

    What I wouldn't do is start playing with his sub without his knowledge and permission. D/s play is built on trust, and I don't think I would be able to trust a sub who I knew was cheating on her master. If she was cheating on him, why wouldn't she cheat on me eventually? I think it is a matter of professional courtesy, the Golden Rule (I wouldn't want it done to me, so I won't do it to someone else), and important for my own peace of mind. I'm always able to imagine my partners finding me uninteresting and going looking for something better, and a situation like this would aggravate that anxiety a great deal.
  5. Feel_the_sensation

    Feel_the_sensation New Member

    I fully agree. I won't play behind his back. I wouldn't want someone to do it to me and so I won't do it to another. That's not where I was heading.

    My concern is that she's new to this and especially that there's been no physical activity between them, she's getting frustrated. Ordinarily, with most people, there wouldn't be an issue. She's emailed others and had D/s banter back and forth and had his permission so far. I think my intensity - even in writing has stirred up her submissiveness.

    Problem is that I think she's beginning to see that there's more to D/s than what she's experiencing and she's struggling with her awakening submissive tendencies and isn't sure what to do about it. She's talked pretty openly to me about some of her fantasies, and especially with respect to D/s, she's been talking about being owned and wanting to open up to someone and letting someone take control. Her conversations indicate to me that TPE may be something that may eventually work for her. Although she hasn't directly said it, her writing tone suggests that he's not helping her through this - whether intentionally or not, I cannot tell.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Well, that makes it all the more important for her to be open and honest about what she wants. If he's not helping her make sense of this, it might be because he doesn't realize that she wants this. Communication between a dom and sub can be extremely difficult. One of my ex subs had to tell me some of the things he wanted three or four times before I could really understand what he was looking for. On the other hand, if she has said these things and he is not able or willing to provide them, that might be a sign that she should move on to a new master, such as yourself. So I guess my basic advice is still to tell her than she needs to talk to her dom about what she wants and why. Of course, as you say, she's new to this and still figuring things out, so in a way, it's like a second adolescence for her. She may not entirely understand what she wants and why, which makes meaningful communication a challenge. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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