Handling Question

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by AvengerSpirit, Jun 21, 2012.

  1. AvengerSpirit

    AvengerSpirit New Member

    I'm new. Created the account just for someone to try and help me answer this situation that I have.

    I'm engaged to be married next year. I'm into bdsm as well... its hard to explain as space and money aren't something available to me. But my fiancee is into it as a lifestyle.

    Well, he wants to have me as a wife and then have a slave who he has never met before and is exactly like me other than the fact that she will do anything he says without question. I won't because I am more of a switch than anything. I refuse to be a doormat or a piece of property.

    I'm in threat of losing my fiancee and wedding because of this. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can handle this situation. I would greatly appriacate anything. I don't want to lose my fiancee, but I don't want to lose myself or him later on because of this slave.

    Please help me. Thanks.
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    He can't force you to accept it. You have to sit down with him, and tell him how much he means to you, but how much having that slave there would not be okay, and your reasons. Maybe he'll argue with you, maybe he'll listen. The way you've painted it, it's been brought up. But you need to get a certain yes or no from him before the marriage, and know he won't start asking for it six months in, bully you into it, or cheat on you. He is probably a better person than all those things, you would know better than I, but you still must take the considerations. It might be a deal breaker for him, and he might be hurt that his sub isn't listening to him, but you're right. He isn't necessarily wrong, but you're right that you won't and aren't okay with it, and that you could lose yourself or him.
  3. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    I agree with smallest. You need to sit down and resolve this before you are married. It may be a deal breaker for one of you, and if it is I am so sorry. But you do not want to get married and later on have one of you very unhappy.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ok, so let me see if I understand the situation. You're engaged to a guy and due to be married. You're interested in BDSM, but mostly as a bedroom activity, not 24/7 power exchange. You enjoy being submissive, but you're not a slave, and you know that you also like to dom occasionally. I'm clear on things so far.

    Here's what I'm not clear on. Your fiancé wants a slave. Do you mean that he wants you to be a slave, or that he wants to have another sub, a slave, in addition to you? I can't really analyze the situation until I understand which of those two scenarios we're dealing with. However, I can totally support Smallest and Moonlight's comment that you need to talk to him. Do it before the wedding planning goes to far. He cannot require you to sub for him against your will, and he cannot require you to accept a three-way relationship if you don't want it. Conversely, he has a right to a slave if that's what he needs. So if you and he want different things in your marriage, you need to identify and resolve that problem now, or else get out of the engagement before you both commit yourself to something that will make you both unhappy.
  5. AvengerSpirit

    AvengerSpirit New Member

    I've tried doing that, but no matter what happens he always get upset at me. I don't yell and scream, but he does. That is his go to thing when I try to talk to him. At this point there probably isn't even going to be a wedding. He wants the both of us, but I don't know if he understands what he is going to the both of us.

    What bothers me is that he's never met her and yet he wants her to live with us. I think I would be a bit better with it if she didn't live in the same house. And to make matters worse, he's in the Army. I thought I was going to be moving around with him, not taking in one place. I could not handle being alone with her. I'd kill her; I really would.

    And frankly, I'm not really his sub. The bdsm has been his. I've only been interested in for some aspects, but not all. This is pushing the limits; things he's barely asked me about. I feel like its my fault too, because he tried to wean himself off of the site where he met her, but because he was stressing out so bad and had no release I told him it was okay. I never imaged this would happen.

    Am I royally screwed?

    edit: Yes, you are correct so far. He wants an additional slave along with me. I would be willing to do the whole sub thing for him if I could retain myself, my personality and my needs and wants, but from what I understand he only wants someone who will bow to his every will, which is something I am too strong headed to do. We have already put the deposit on the photographer and picked the venue.
    Am I royally screwed?
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2012
  6. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I think he's royally screwed. If he's yelling at you about it, and not listening to your side, he's fucking his life up, and not seeing how your parts matter.
  7. AvengerSpirit

    AvengerSpirit New Member

    So how can I bring it up with him to try and get him to listen and either see reason or at least not scream at me? I hate it when he does that because its all anyone who has ever done to me.
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ok, I've got the situation. A few thoughts, in no particular order:

    1) BDSM requires real communication. Without communication, it can easily tip over the line into abuse. So if you and he can't communicate, you need to stop the BDSM and focus on the communication. So tell him (not ask, tell) that you're calling a halt to all BDSM until you feel like the two of you are communicating well. If he tries to force you to be his sub without your consent, he's engaging in abuse, which is illegal and probably something he can get disciplined for by the military.

    2) Is it possible that his anger is related to his service? Has he done active duty, and if so, do you think he might be dealing with some degree of PTSD? If so, he needs counseling (and he might need counseling even if it's not PTSD). If he won't voluntarily seek counseling, contact his superior officer or talk to the spouse liaison officer; my friends who have served in the military tell me that the army is trying to take these sorts of issues seriously. And even if he won't go for counseling, you might consider it yourself, to help assess the situation.

    3) Open marriages, threesomes, sharing a sub, and other forms of polyamorous relationships are not for everyone. They take work and, yes, communication. So it's possible that you're not well-suited to being in a threesome. Or maybe you're not emotionally ready for it under these circumstances. Can I ask you what your objection is? Do you fear he'll leave you for her? Do you worry that she's prettier or more experienced than you are? Do you just not like the idea of sharing your man with another woman?

    4) Honestly, I don't think your husband is ready to be a slave owner. Being a decent dom takes work, and being a slave owner takes an enormous amount of effort and maturity. You can't master another person until you've mastered yourself, and given that he seems to have a serious temper, he clearly isn't fully in control of himself. I think he's seen and maybe read BDSM porn, and the idea of owning a slave turns him on, but he's never experienced a master-slave relationship first hand, and so it doesn't occur to him that there is a lot more to being a slave owner than what he sees in the porn.

    5) Claiming a slave that he has never met and inviting her to live with him is foolish and immature. He doesn't even know for sure that he will click with her when he meets her. Experienced slave owners invite a potential slave to visit for a few days to assess the slave and to give the slave a chance to assess the master. Until they have met and spent time together, there is no way to know whether either of them will enjoy the relationship. And experienced slave masters also consult with the rest of their household before offering to invite a new slave to join, because the slaves and subs all have to click with each other. He needs to spend some time with a mentor, or perhaps subbing for a master, so he knows what he should be doing.

    6) No, you're not screwed, but you are seeing warning signs that this relationship has problems. He's not going to magically change once he's married. If he won't try to address these issues now, he definitely won't address them once he's married, because he won't have any incentive to. So I think you need to put your marriage plans on hold until you can work through these issues with him.

    7) Why do you want to marry this guy? From what little you've told us, he sounds like an immature jerk or someone with PTSD. So what is the attraction?
  9. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    I was about to say this but Sebastian beat me to it. So I will just say this^^
  10. AvengerSpirit

    AvengerSpirit New Member

    Thank you guys for your advice and sorry for the delay. I was at work and then we went to the movies and afterward got around to talking. Although we had a mediator for the first half. Someone who listens without yelling and explained it better than I can I guess. After that it was all us.

    1.) The communication thing fro us has always been a problem. Because of the way both of us were raised. I hold everything in until it gets to the boiling point and everything just comes out at once. He just holds it all in and doesn’t tell anyone anything. We’ve been working on it especially since he’s living for eleven months in six weeks.

    2.) I think a lot of his anger is coming from stress and fear. Since he is leaving for so long and it’ll be the longest we’ve been apart, I think he’s trying to push me away either to make it easier on himself or because he thinks it’ll make it easier on me. It won’t; it hurts more. I have someone that I talk to now and he’s waiting on me to get my battle plan together so he can sit down and talk to my fiancée about it. But after last night, I don’t think things are so bad now.

    3.) Yes, to the first and third. I’m not worried about who’s prettier or more experienced, at least not yet. But I don’t share well. I really don’t. I never have. As I consider it he’s my mate not hers, and no I don’t want him to leave me for her. That is a huge fear. I hope that eventually he’ll just get her out of his system, but then I remember there will always be more; it’s not her that’s the issue.

    4.) I completely agree with you there. I think he’s rushing into things and needs to give things time to settle down first. We haven’t even bought our own land yet for a house.

    5.) I brought this issue up with him last night and he agreed about running her on the trial basis. He said he wasn’t stupid. But that she’s supposed to come down at the end of this summer so we can all met. I still don’t like it, but he has promised that he won’t be the one to touch her. It’s hard to explain everything, so some things I will have to be vague on and this is one of them.

    6.) I think the problem doesn’t just lie in the issues it lies in how we as a couple handle them. I want to deal with problems and talk about them until they are resolved. He likes to imagine like his mother that if he says it’s done and over with that it is. That’s not the case. The issues just come back up again.

    7.) It’s hard to explain, but I love him. Yeah, he has his moments where he pisses me off all of the time and doesn’t do things the way I wish he would. But if he did it would be boring. He doesn’t care about what people think of him or how he acts. I care, but I don’t care. I care because I have, but I don’t care because I want to. I know that makes no sense. But I was a spitfire growing up in a bad environment and things happened… He makes me feel safe. He’s the only one who ever liked me for who I was, who ever thought I was beautiful being as I’ve always had self image problems and still do. He’s the only one who has looked past my body for me. My ex sure didn’t. It’s also the rare moments of physical comfort that I get, the make the world so much better, and they always come when I need them the most. And hell, he puts up with me. Most people don’t, can’t, or won’t. Most of my family doesn’t.

    I guess that’s another problem we face. We’re in the direct line of fire from our families. Him with his, because they all hate me. And me with mine. Because I have no clue what’s up with them. One of my cousins has already said he’s not helping with the wedding anymore because it isn’t right. I don’t understand what he means and he hasn’t said anything further. But most people don’t see us for us. They only see what they want to see. Which is probably why I’m trying to give everything straight here. I'm just glad we seem to have come to an agreement we can both live with.
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    It's good that you were able to communicate last night. You need to make this a major focus right now. Very few healthy relationships survive without regular communication and negotiation. Power exchange (which is what BDSM is) can create a structure for how to communicate and negotiate, but those things still have to happen.

    Polyamorous relationships don't work if one of the participants doesn't want it. You don't want to share him; trying to share when you know you don't want to is going to be a disaster. My advice is to tell him that you are not capable of sharing him with a slave at the moment. At a bare minimum, tell him that you will give it a try for a weekend so he can meet this slave, but after that visit you reserve the right to close the relationship; in other words you have full veto power over whether there is a third person in the relationship and who that third might be. You have to be essentially comfortable with it or IT WILL NOT WORK.

    I think your fiancé is being immature. He has a lot of fear, presumably about his upcoming deployment; he has a fiancee that is struggling to build a healthy relationship with him; he is going to be placing a huge strain on his relationship by being absent for a year; he has a family who won't support his fiancee; he wants to be a dom but doesn't seem to have learned the basics of good domming. These are huge challenges. And now he wants to add an additional, massive strain to the relationship by bringing in a third person when he knows that his fiancée doesn't want it. If I were planning on having a failed marriage, this might be the plan I'd choose to hit that goal.

    He strikes me as being like a 16 year old kid who saw a movie that had a really cool stunt in which the driver of a car climbs out onto the roof of the car and then jumps into another car and starts driving it. So, despite the fact that he's only got his learner's permit, he's decided that he's going to attempt this stunt. When the car he's driving crashes, he's going to have only himself to blame. The problem is that you're in the passenger seat of the first car, and you're the one who's going to wind up badly hurt, but he doesn't care--the stunt is cool. Your fiancé has heard about BDSM and wants to do it, but doesn't really know what he's doing, but he knows that some doms have multiple subs and slaves, and so he's determined that he's going to do that, even though it's probably going to wreck his relationship.

    Part of the problem here is that you're young. You're estranged from your family, and you've fallen in love with the first guy who accepted you for who you are. I don't think you've ever had a healthy romantic relationship before, so you don't really have much to compare this relationship to that would help you see how many problems it has. You're open-minded, you like the idea of a kinky relationship, and you genuinely care for this guy, despite his faults, so you're trying to go along with what he wants, either because you want to be a cool kinky girl or because you're afraid that if you don't go along, you'll lose him. But you're not emotionally ready for a polyamorous relationship. In fact, I don't think you're emotionally ready for marriage. I think you're in a place where you should really be focusing on getting your own feelings sorted out, working through whatever damage your family did to you growing up, finding a stable career and education, and developing your self-confidence and sexuality.

    I realize that I'm making some assumptions off the limited info you've provided, but that's honestly the sense I'm getting here. And I realize that people your age hate being told they're young and don't know what they really want yet. But I think you're heading into a big mistake that is eventually going to blow up in your face. I think you should put the BDSM on the shelf for the moment, put your marriage on hold (not cancel it, just put it off until well after he's back), focus on finding yourself and building healthy communication with your fiancé, and just generally doing some maturing. Keep in mind that one of the best predictors of divorce is getting married before the age of 25. 85-90% of marriages started before that age fail, because the spouses just don't have the emotional maturity and experience to find the right partner, communicate effectively, and avoid the land mines that blow up relationships. So work on building a healthy you and a healthy relationship with your fiancé. Once you have that in place, then go back to the BDSM and once that's going well, revisit the polyamory.

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