sebastian
Active Member
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
It's good that you were able to communicate last night. You need to make this a major focus right now. Very few healthy relationships survive without regular communication and negotiation. Power exchange (which is what BDSM is) can create a structure for how to communicate and negotiate, but those things still have to happen.
Polyamorous relationships don't work if one of the participants doesn't want it. You don't want to share him; trying to share when you know you don't want to is going to be a disaster. My advice is to tell him that you are not capable of sharing him with a slave at the moment. At a bare minimum, tell him that you will give it a try for a weekend so he can meet this slave, but after that visit you reserve the right to close the relationship; in other words you have full veto power over whether there is a third person in the relationship and who that third might be. You have to be essentially comfortable with it or IT WILL NOT WORK.
I think your fiancé is being immature. He has a lot of fear, presumably about his upcoming deployment; he has a fiancee that is struggling to build a healthy relationship with him; he is going to be placing a huge strain on his relationship by being absent for a year; he has a family who won't support his fiancee; he wants to be a dom but doesn't seem to have learned the basics of good domming. These are huge challenges. And now he wants to add an additional, massive strain to the relationship by bringing in a third person when he knows that his fiancée doesn't want it. If I were planning on having a failed marriage, this might be the plan I'd choose to hit that goal.
He strikes me as being like a 16 year old kid who saw a movie that had a really cool stunt in which the driver of a car climbs out onto the roof of the car and then jumps into another car and starts driving it. So, despite the fact that he's only got his learner's permit, he's decided that he's going to attempt this stunt. When the car he's driving crashes, he's going to have only himself to blame. The problem is that you're in the passenger seat of the first car, and you're the one who's going to wind up badly hurt, but he doesn't care--the stunt is cool. Your fiancé has heard about BDSM and wants to do it, but doesn't really know what he's doing, but he knows that some doms have multiple subs and slaves, and so he's determined that he's going to do that, even though it's probably going to wreck his relationship.
Part of the problem here is that you're young. You're estranged from your family, and you've fallen in love with the first guy who accepted you for who you are. I don't think you've ever had a healthy romantic relationship before, so you don't really have much to compare this relationship to that would help you see how many problems it has. You're open-minded, you like the idea of a kinky relationship, and you genuinely care for this guy, despite his faults, so you're trying to go along with what he wants, either because you want to be a cool kinky girl or because you're afraid that if you don't go along, you'll lose him. But you're not emotionally ready for a polyamorous relationship. In fact, I don't think you're emotionally ready for marriage. I think you're in a place where you should really be focusing on getting your own feelings sorted out, working through whatever damage your family did to you growing up, finding a stable career and education, and developing your self-confidence and sexuality.
I realize that I'm making some assumptions off the limited info you've provided, but that's honestly the sense I'm getting here. And I realize that people your age hate being told they're young and don't know what they really want yet. But I think you're heading into a big mistake that is eventually going to blow up in your face. I think you should put the BDSM on the shelf for the moment, put your marriage on hold (not cancel it, just put it off until well after he's back), focus on finding yourself and building healthy communication with your fiancé, and just generally doing some maturing. Keep in mind that one of the best predictors of divorce is getting married before the age of 25. 85-90% of marriages started before that age fail, because the spouses just don't have the emotional maturity and experience to find the right partner, communicate effectively, and avoid the land mines that blow up relationships. So work on building a healthy you and a healthy relationship with your fiancé. Once you have that in place, then go back to the BDSM and once that's going well, revisit the polyamory.
Polyamorous relationships don't work if one of the participants doesn't want it. You don't want to share him; trying to share when you know you don't want to is going to be a disaster. My advice is to tell him that you are not capable of sharing him with a slave at the moment. At a bare minimum, tell him that you will give it a try for a weekend so he can meet this slave, but after that visit you reserve the right to close the relationship; in other words you have full veto power over whether there is a third person in the relationship and who that third might be. You have to be essentially comfortable with it or IT WILL NOT WORK.
I think your fiancé is being immature. He has a lot of fear, presumably about his upcoming deployment; he has a fiancee that is struggling to build a healthy relationship with him; he is going to be placing a huge strain on his relationship by being absent for a year; he has a family who won't support his fiancee; he wants to be a dom but doesn't seem to have learned the basics of good domming. These are huge challenges. And now he wants to add an additional, massive strain to the relationship by bringing in a third person when he knows that his fiancée doesn't want it. If I were planning on having a failed marriage, this might be the plan I'd choose to hit that goal.
He strikes me as being like a 16 year old kid who saw a movie that had a really cool stunt in which the driver of a car climbs out onto the roof of the car and then jumps into another car and starts driving it. So, despite the fact that he's only got his learner's permit, he's decided that he's going to attempt this stunt. When the car he's driving crashes, he's going to have only himself to blame. The problem is that you're in the passenger seat of the first car, and you're the one who's going to wind up badly hurt, but he doesn't care--the stunt is cool. Your fiancé has heard about BDSM and wants to do it, but doesn't really know what he's doing, but he knows that some doms have multiple subs and slaves, and so he's determined that he's going to do that, even though it's probably going to wreck his relationship.
Part of the problem here is that you're young. You're estranged from your family, and you've fallen in love with the first guy who accepted you for who you are. I don't think you've ever had a healthy romantic relationship before, so you don't really have much to compare this relationship to that would help you see how many problems it has. You're open-minded, you like the idea of a kinky relationship, and you genuinely care for this guy, despite his faults, so you're trying to go along with what he wants, either because you want to be a cool kinky girl or because you're afraid that if you don't go along, you'll lose him. But you're not emotionally ready for a polyamorous relationship. In fact, I don't think you're emotionally ready for marriage. I think you're in a place where you should really be focusing on getting your own feelings sorted out, working through whatever damage your family did to you growing up, finding a stable career and education, and developing your self-confidence and sexuality.
I realize that I'm making some assumptions off the limited info you've provided, but that's honestly the sense I'm getting here. And I realize that people your age hate being told they're young and don't know what they really want yet. But I think you're heading into a big mistake that is eventually going to blow up in your face. I think you should put the BDSM on the shelf for the moment, put your marriage on hold (not cancel it, just put it off until well after he's back), focus on finding yourself and building healthy communication with your fiancé, and just generally doing some maturing. Keep in mind that one of the best predictors of divorce is getting married before the age of 25. 85-90% of marriages started before that age fail, because the spouses just don't have the emotional maturity and experience to find the right partner, communicate effectively, and avoid the land mines that blow up relationships. So work on building a healthy you and a healthy relationship with your fiancé. Once you have that in place, then go back to the BDSM and once that's going well, revisit the polyamory.
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