King of the bottom of the mountain

Ladygenuine · Jan 17, 2013

Where to start...

I have always been turned on by submission. Young, and without a name for this kink, I wound up in some pretty dangerous situations. A friend gave it a name and started bringing me into the "life style" and most of all, safety measures (safe words ect). A bad experience with strangulation made it almost impossible for me to trust enough to engage in any kind of relationship.

My next Encounter was with a guy who liked to switch. He let me top from the bottom. Some of the best sex ever! But at this point I was not ready to be really dominated. This is when I met my DH.

Now, after many years of marriage and sex as vanilla as Macdonalds soft serve, I am getting a bit frustrated. We have had many a conversation about this (thanks 50 shades even if you sucked). They always end the same, "no, I will not tie you down." "I can't spank you." We can't even do anal because he is afraid to hurt me.

The other day I decided to dominate him. He loved it!! Me, not so much. Actually I am a little horrified.

I read through the newbie FAQ and found lots of good stuff there. Plan on reading more deeply into it. I just wonder if this is kind of a hopeless situation. Will it be vanilla and battery operated orgasms forever?

Enter the option of online relationships:
I know this is all over the place.
How do most online relationships of this nature work? If anyone in one is reading this, do you find satisfaction in it? I would like to hear from both ends, the Dom and sub. Is the dynamic the same without the physical contact? Is there a constant pressure to meet in person?

Thanks and if this is in the wrong place I apologize. I don't forum often.

stanley_jeffries · Jan 17, 2013

Hi LG,
Welcome to the board.

OK...first piece of advice. If you have found a man you truly love (and it's reciprocated) then it's absolutely worth persevering with the relationship.

So if I'm understanding this correctly you don't have a "Nice, Vanillas Husband", you have a "Nice Husband who has recently discovered he is a sub".

If you'll forgive the massive over-simplification, I would think it's possible to "train him in the ways of BDSM" as a sub. This will allow him to understand that bondage and CP is not being abusive or cruel if it's done in a caring way.

Once he's hooked, you can explain that you'd like to experience exactly what he's been getting from you acting as his "Domme".

So you ask for quid pro quo.

He will point out that he has no idea what to do. So you tell him to ask us for advice

Yes...I've kind of fast-forwarded through some stages here, but I hope you get what I'm saying.

What concerns me is this remark you made...

"The other day I decided to dominate him. He loved it!! Me, not so much. Actually I am a little horrified."

Could you elaborate on how you felt?

Cheers,
Stanley

Smallest · Jan 17, 2013

I agree with Stanley- his enjoyment of you domming should make him understand why you would want to experience it. HOWEVER, I think it would be really passive and probably not helpful for you to keep acting like a domme until he was really hooked, then explain your kink. That is kind of shifty, and might make him feel as though you were dishonest.

Although you are understandably horrified, perhaps you will find out he is a switch. I think you should explain to him how you feel (communication is a huge part of BDSM and any relationship, and he won't know until you do), and since he can now understand the desire to submit, you might be able to convince him to dominate you, or, at least, switch with you. The worst that can happen is nothing, and if your marriage is otherwise awesome, I imagine he'll want to compromise to make you happy.

I also always suggest that when convincing someone to dom, you do your research and present it to him- how to make safe, sane play work, how other people's relationships works, etc. You could also just refer him to the forum, both to read through or ask questions.

Regarding the online relationship thing, if you mean cheating, rather than breaking up (which I don't advise at this point) or opening the marriage/polyamory with his consent, I suggest you read my replies here:
http://www.smplace.com/forum/568241-new-to-sub.html

sebastian · Jan 17, 2013

It's important to realize that 'dom' and 'sub' are not God-given categories that have rigid rules and definitions. Most doms are, at heart, switches who tend to dom. As I recently heard it put, "keys on the right means you're a sub, keys on the left means its negotiable." And many subs have some dom in them. In the 50s and 60s, during the heyday of the fabled Old Guard, there was a tendency for subs to be encouraged to eventually 'graduate up' to being doms. Dom/sub was seen as a sort of corporate ladder which people gradually worked their way up. Increasingly, that model has been replaced with a model that sees doms and subs as being inherent categories like sexual orientation--we hear of people with a 'slave heart' or who are 'born slaves', for example. That model encourages us to find out what our true role is and embrace it.

I'm not sure either model is completely realistic. Humans are very complicated creatures, and our sexuality is one of the most complex parts of us. In a pinch, two subs trying to play together will have to figure out some sort of switching arrangement, in which one takes on the role of dom, either for that session or for that relationship or just for the first part of the scene.

So although it is not ideal for you to discover that you and your husband are both subs, it is not the end of the relationship. There are a lot of potential options you might agree to:

1) You take turns switching in any given scene, so both of you are getting something you enjoy.
2) You take turns switching from scene to scene, so you each get a full evening of subbing at a time.
3) One of you agrees to be dominant for an extended period of time.
4) You agree to find doms to serve separately in an open relationship. Perhaps you find a master and he finds a mistress. Maybe you play sexually with your doms, or maybe you agree to no sexual contact.
5) You both agree to serve the same dom in an open relationship. Maybe it's sexual, or maybe not.
6) You find an online master who has some authority, but you never physically meet him.
7) You agree to periodic visits to a prodomme to scratch that itch. It's not a regular open relationship, just an occasional fling.
8) You agree that while both of you would like to explore kink, you're not compatible and therefore you will stick of vanilla play, because the non-sexual part of the relationship is important to you.
9) You decide that sexual satisfaction is more important that the positive non-sexual parts of the relationship and therefore you agree to divorce and seek other partners.

The way to figure out the answer is to talk openly with your husband, using the fact that he's discovering the pleasures of being submissive as an incentive/illustration. As Stanley has suggested, use that to help him understand what you want and why it's not sick/abusive/immoral. Explain to him that you really want to explore power exchange with him. Maybe that power exchange means exchanging power only with him (1-3), or maybe it means exchanging power with someone else (4-7). Option 8 doesn't seem to be working for you, but option 9 is your last resort if it gets to that. So be clear with him that 8 isn't on the table, but if he won't agree to explore with you, maybe 9 is.

Try to focus on the idea that what you want is to explore with him. You love him and want to show him the deepest parts of yourself, and you want to know his deepest parts. People have many hang-ups around sex, so exploration can take time. Emphasize the importance of trusting each other and of being honest with each other.

Ladygenuine · Jan 19, 2013

This is why I chose to post this here and not elsewhere. I really do appreciate you all taking the time to respond in an intelligent and thorough manner. Thank you.

@ Stanley: I have been reading and reading and then doing some more reading and had decided that the best way to approach, it by showing him that its not all about latex suits (I'm allergic to latex lol) and whipping posts, might be the best. Letting him see and understand why someone might enjoy being dominated as you suggested. Maybe slip a little bondage porn into his stash! Ha!

As for my being horrified, where to begin...
Like a Reece's peanut butter cup the stuff on the outside of the bedroom and the stuff in the middle get all mushed together. And that's just a part of marriage.

We have a big BIG move coming up and I am apparently H.B.I.C. which is manifesting in wanting less control in other areas. Feelings of inadequacy, needs not being met or acknowledged, yada yada yada just got a little overwhelming when the realization hit that he enjoys me being in control of everything.

And thank you again for your kindly worded reply and taking the time.

@Smallest: I will check your link! Thank you!

We have discussed, at length, bringing other people into our relationship and opening it up. He is quite into the idea of swinging and I think that sounds great, but we live in a really small town and with my luck I would show up and my boss would be there (that would make work kind of exciting). We are moving to an infinitely larger city, so we will look there. And maybe a munch too.

@ Sebastian: I love that majestic cock in your picture there.

Thanks for the list. Lists are great!

Human sexuality absolutely fascinates me. What drives us? Why people are so in to certain fetishes. If I had kept psychology as a major that is what I would have focused on.

Yah, 9. Isn't really where I would like to go. That's why I was wondering about online dynamics. He has ladies he talks to online and it doesn't bother me and visa versa.

I know that we are light years away from any kind of pain play or even serious bondage (the bondage thing is actually kind of a funny story). We have a lot of ground work to work out.

Redundant thanks for your advise and support.

Smallest · Jan 19, 2013

Ladygenuine said:
@Smallest: I will check your link! Thank you!

We have discussed, at length, bringing other people into our relationship and opening it up. He is quite into the idea of swinging and I think that sounds great, but we live in a really small town and with my luck I would show up and my boss would be there (that would make work kind of exciting). We are moving to an infinitely larger city, so we will look there. And maybe a munch too.

Link is somewhat irrelevant then, it was why cheating is bad for BDSM. Since your husband was so resistant to even touching BDSM before, I wasn't sure if he would be into swinging of any kind, and you hadn't clarified before. (and I'm glad to see your answer about it)

Regardless, I'm glad the other advice offered was helpful to you.

stanley_jeffries · Jan 19, 2013

Hi LG,
I think I understand why you "felt horrified" now, thanks for explaining.

I'm sure you know this already, so please forgive me for cranking out cliches. But in a marriage sometimes we find ourselves in a position we don't like all that much...but when we think about the steps we have to take to get out of that position and make things better it sometimes feels like a lot of work!

Add to that the fact that you have this big move coming up and it's hardly surprising that you feel a little overwhelmed.

It's interesting that you and your husband have discussed swinging. I know different people have different ideas about how extreme a given fetish is, but I would think that swinging is a pretty extreme form of kink purely because of the risk it creates for a marriage, or a long term relationship.

In other words he's already accepted the idea of a fairly extreme form of kink, and that suggests to me that, as long as you take these ideas slowly (which I know you understand from what you've written), it should be possible to expand his "kink horizons" without freaking him out.

Here is an idea for you...it might not be appropriate but let me just put it out there.

Hubbie wants to be dominated, and you say he has a porn stash. That means he jerks off (we all do

).

So...invest in an inexpensive male chastity device, like the CB3000. you "confront him" about his masturbation habits, and his porn. You tell him you're going to put a stop to it. Tell him he needs to accept being locked in chastity so he can't "cheat" on you.

If he buys into that idea make sure you tease him a lot until a "goal day". Choose a Saturday evening when you can spend some quality time together. Up till now you have worn his chastity key around your neck where he can see it - which is part of the tease. But tonight it's gone...because you've hidden it somewhere.

You tell him that to get the key he needs to "beat it out of you". Give him some notes to provide ideas for your "torture". Keep it really mild. Ice cubes, nipple clamps, maybe some light CP with a school ruler...that kind of thing.

Tell him that if he doesn't act like a convincing Dom he'll never get the key.

Hopefully by the time you decide to unlock him you'll both be so turned on it won't matter who's the Dom or sub

Like I say, it's a bit of a long shot, but I thought I might as well suggest it.

Cheers,
Stanley

PS. I agree on the latex thing. I love seeing women in latex, but the smell makes me feel queasy

Before I was in a stable relationship I had a real problem with condoms because the smell made me lose my erection.

King of the bottom of the mountain

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