Is something wrong with me?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Wayneman, Jul 25, 2013.

  1. Wayneman

    Wayneman Guest

    So I am actively seeking out very sadistic dominatrix's. It seems to be something I like to do and I don't know why. I look for a dominatrix that is brutal and ruthless and shows none or almost no mercy. I have in the past had my balls beat black and blue, cock beat black and blue with small cut and had my ass whipped so it bled through the bandages afterwords. I have had my back whipped black and blue. For some reason I find dominatrix's that i wont enjoy. I get beat wishing it would end and I regret doing it while its happenind but then Im looking for more. Is it wrong that I like really brutal torture that I wont like? Is it wrong that I let people use me and abuse me so extremely? I am meeting with a dominatrix next week. this is some of what was sent in my first email.

    "I want to suffer for your enjoyment and do whatever you want to do during play within my limits. I want you to think about what you enjoy and want and not what I enjoy. If I don't enjoy myself at all and hate it I'm OK with that as long as you have fun. Afterwords I will be happy I made you happy. If you like light, mild, heavy, or brutal play I will do it as it will be completely up to you Lady... I want to give you as much control as I can and you do with me what you like as though I am your property and I exist for your entertainment. I am willing to have limits on safe words if you want and we agree on everything. One limit on safe words im willing to have is only being able to ask for mercy and it can be up to you to grant mercy or not for things like spanking, whipping. Things I need a safe word for would be CBT which I really don't like or do anymore and things I have not done like electricity, anal, breath play, piss, fire play, tickle torture, foot whipping and wax. "The most extreme thing I have done to date was having my ass beat rally hard and it bled slightly. I was then flipped over and whipped and hit on my balls till they were bruised and my cock bled slightly and I was sort of crying but not exactly. I did not enjoy it while it happened and she executed it with absolute brutality while laughing at me. I was happy afterwords because I made her really happy and entertained and once it ended the feeling of not being whipped anymore felt so great. I no longer do CBT because I don't want to be rendered infernal. Thank you for your precious time and I hope to hear back on your thoughts and wishes Lady ..."
     
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Enjoying BDSM is not unhealthy in itself, but BDSM is not always healthy for all people.

    It is relatively common for subs to experience tension between what they want and their perceived social role. Many strong alpha males enjoy being submissive, for example. The paradox of being submissive is that you want treatment that you don't want. So many subs enjoy being forced to endure harsh treatment that is simultaneously pleasurable and unpleasant. That in itself is no cause for concern.

    However I do see a couple points that might be cause for concern, depending on what you mean by them.
    1) Is this activity something you want to stop, but feel unable to? Does it feel like a compulsion to you? Does this feel in some way destructive to you? If the answer to those questions is yes, then you may be a sexual addict. Sex addiction operates a bit the way alcoholism does. If this activity is something you would like to stop but don't feel able to, there are recovery fellowships that might work for you. Consider attending a meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous (there are also Sexaholics Anonymous, but they're fairly hostile to BDSM practice as a whole, whereas SAA allows you to define which behaviors are problematic for you and focus on those) and seeing if you hear anything that feels right.

    2) Your descriptions of the intensity of your beatings is extreme. There are definitely doms and subs who play on the extreme end of the scale, so that in itself is not a sign that you're having problems. But if you're regularly being beaten to the point that you are bleeding substantially, you may need to find some moderation. If you're bleeding, you need to take precautions during aftercare to make sure you don't get infections, and you need to allow your body time to heal, replenish the blood you lost, and so on. You need to make the dommes you're playing with know enough first aid to deal with an ER should it arise. So I would advise you to talk with your dommes and make sure they know when to stop, how to provide the medical care you may need, and know what body parts not to strike (the lower back is OUT). Also, you might want to find one reliable domme and play with her exclusively. Less risk of something going wrong.

    So while I don't think there is definitely something wrong with you, I would advise you to scale back a bit on the intensity or frequency of your place. And if you want to stop but can't, you should seek assistance.
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2013
  3. Forgotten angel

    Forgotten angel New Member

    ^yeah the inability to stop signifies an addiction of sorts and those are never good. Especislly if they damage your body too badly. It runs you down to have to heal like that. If youre gonna do that you should look into a diet that encourages healing of your body. Alot of aloe juice, lots of greens. As for the intensity though, i get off on being burned and cut and stabbed witg needles lol so i hope its not too extreme. I never regret it though, its always a blast when its going on. It sounds almost like you might be having self confident issues and you want to punish yourself. Bdsm is for fun, not to punnish yourself, and if you cross that line, you need to figure out your underlying problem.
     

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