Something is wrong with Ezra.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by EZRA, Feb 4, 2010.

  1. EZRA

    EZRA Member

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    Today I deeply resent being submissive
    Today I just want to curl up inside myself untill I pop out of existence
    I'm tired of being so open that the littlest things cut me in my heart.
    I'm tired of caring
    tired of not being good enough or bad enough or just plain enough for any one.

    For those of you who know me, yea, I'm just down right now.
    On the the self esteem death spiral.
    But I don't feel like explaining right now.
    so if you don't hear from me don't take it the wrong way.
    I have to find my own way out of this one.


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    (((HUGS))) If you want someone to talk to, Im here Ezra.
  3. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    yeah man we're all here :)

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    Take it easy fella. :)

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    Aww...I hope you are able to sort through whatever is going on :(

    Good luck, and just remember, we are all here for you :)
  6. subspace

    subspace Member

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    You know I love you to pieces! You are such an amazing person and give so much of yourself to those around you that it can definitely leave you feeling empty.
    I have had all those same feelings you mentioned and you have helped me work through them. I and all your friends here understand how you feel and are here for you!
  7. GreyMac

    GreyMac Member

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    We care.
    Finding your own way
    out the other side
    does not mean
    we can't walk with you
    while you search...

    You are always quick to offer solace and comfort to those who are confused or hurt. Stay and allow those you have helped to return the gift.

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    We love you Ez. I can only speak for myself, and you know I'm here absolutely any time you need or want me.
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Sorry you're in a dark place, Ezra. I've been in similar places myself, and I guarantee that it gets better. You're not in that place alone; we're all here for you if you need to talk. Just remember, the depths of depression is not the time to make any major decisions.
  10. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    agreed with seb pm any time
  11. EZRA

    EZRA Member

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    Thank you everyone.
    I'm doing better now, the out pouring of love and support from you people has been overwhelming. :)

    I actually feel kind of silly for the way I feeling ,for as alone as I felt.
    (Ive been told not to feel silly about it)

    My troubles are mostly my own "stuff" so I never feel good about talking to other people about them,Ashamed of my self for the insecurities I feel, for the neediness that comes from a childhood filled with loneliness and abandonment. Don't get me wrong my mother loved me, she never left me with anyone she didn't trust.

    SO I'm kind of high maintenance I need constant reassurance that I'm wanted or loved.
    I'm at the end of a series of events in wich I have been left to my own devices for a little more than two weeks.. not alone alone but Mistress has been emotionaly unavailable (sick, family issues, tired) all the things I can't complain about or be mad about , or be bratty. so I basically internalised my feelings and well yesterday morning I just collapsed, Basically right in the middle of posting on the "Feelings" thread.

    I'm kind of embarrassed by, but I'm also very grateful for the support you people have shown me.
    and for the understanding from those I talked directly with.

  12. EZRA

    EZRA Member

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    You needn't worry , I 'm also a parent so "major desissions" always involved what is best for my kids, (well) as much kid as 13, and 10 years old are.

    Who by the way, get held so much by me they get annoyed with me, I refuse to pass on, what has been done to me.
  13. stefanofgor

    stefanofgor New Member

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    Hi Ezra, I don't know you but I know how you feel. I've been through it like you and am still going through it in a different way right now. Take heart. The wheel of fortune turns in unexpected ways sometimes. I will not counsel you to look at the bright side because you may not be able to see it. But there is always hope and we must not throw that away. Just try to keep calm and remember that there are people who love you even though you may not know it. Sometimes it helps to pray even if your faith is small. I know.
  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Ezra, I'm glad you're finding a little perspective. For me, depression is always about the loss of perspective and an inability to imagine that the future can be different than today. Today's pain become oversized and I can't think that a week from now it might be less. But it does eventually get less, so I try to have faith that somehow the pain will shrink and become manageable and allow room for happiness and pleasure. And I'm glad you have kids who can help anchor you.

    I'm not a sub, and I don't know how you think of being submissive, but maybe it would help to think that being submissive gives you permission to not be strong. Subs are, in some sense, supposed to be weak--that's part of why they respond to dominance. In our culture, men are supposed to be the strong tough ones who never feel pain. But being submissive can give you a space to put that burden down and just accept there are things you can't manage right now.

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    Excuse me? I'm not trying to hijack the thread, but I'm thinking you should really re-evaluate your opinion of submissives.

    We ARE strong. We have enough strength in us to allow ourselves to detach from the human instinct to control. Enough strength to know that we may go through unpleasant things, enough strength to endure and perhaps enjoy them out of sheer desire to please our dominants.

    Ezra, You are NOT weak. Weak is a (wo)man who cannot attach himself to his feelings and emotions well enough to express what he's going through.

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