Young one looking for any and all advice.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by LostLittleOne, Apr 12, 2013.

  1. LostLittleOne

    LostLittleOne New Member

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    Forgive me if this same question has graced your forum 100 times over, but there's only so many pages a girl can go through before she has too many questions of her own to ask.

    I apologise in advance, but this will be a long post.

    I am an incredibly curious 19 year old female. I doubt I could even be given the title"newbie" for that, to me, sounds like you've at least dabbled in the scene a little bit. I am looking for any advice and experience you can give me. I have read (admittedly not every page of it, yet) the Newcomer's FAQ post and I did of course find it very helpful, however it felt more orientated towards those who have already tried a little BDSM and have prospective partners lined up.

    I understand that I am very young and I'm sure people are quick to dismiss that at 19 I can't be sure that I want to be tied up and belted six-ways 'til Sunday until my arse burns bright red. Naturally, I feel the need to defend myself - especially in an age of Fifty Shades Of Gray wannabes (cue eye-roll). To an extent those people are right, I DON'T know. Not for definite. I have pulled one foot out of the generic vanilla pool and dipped one little toe into the rum-and-raisin flavour that is BDSM and it's a flavour that I don't want to give up.

    I feel... weird, fucked up, strange, freakish... for wanting to be punished for being naughty, to let someone have total control over me, to submit wholly to a person and be the reason for their pleasure. I want to serve and bring pleasure that creates my own in return. Looking back I can see some signs of it manifesting itself when I was young(er) and I feel like this inherently who I am. It's fighting with me. I feel like I'm falling apart because there's a part of me that wants letting out and looking after but I have no idea how to go about doing so.

    How do you explore this whacky world? Do you just turn up at your local fetish club and hope for the best? 'cause that seems hella scary. Especially being young as I am: it's just asking for trouble.

    I understand that I have a whole lifetime of exploring in front of me, and I do not need to rush into things, but to those of you who found this community later in your lives, do you not wish this door had been open to you earlier? To bring you this happiness and fulfilment in your life sooner? Because I crave that now and I don't want to have to wait until I'm 30..40 to be considered old enough to make my own decisions about my private life. For people to take me seriously.

    Besides reading books and posts, how do you learn about this life? How does a sub become trained? Of course from reading one picks up a lot on how to act, but it's not the same as being trained. Do Dom's even want untrained subs? Where do I meet people to talk to about this? I don't want to jump head first into a D/s relationship; I want to learn and become knowledgeable and meet people, but I have no clue how to go about that. As useful as your Newcomer's FAQ was telling me to make sure I communicate with my Dom, have safe words and know where to get flogged, that means nothing when I'm sat at home, by myself, lost with no clue how to even meet like-minded people, let alone meet my own Dom!

    I apologise again for rambling on for so long. I guess I was very much venting my own frustrations as well as asking for help.

    Any knowledge and advice you have for me for starting out at the very beginning will be so very much appreciated.

    Thank you. :eek:
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2013
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    There's nothing wrong with being interested in kink at your age. What is important, though, is being open to non-kinky experiences as well. Having traditional romantic experiences can help you understand and appreciate kinky ones. So explore kink by all means, but don't neglect vanilla play, at least until you've had enough experiences to have a good sense of what you do and don't want.

    The FAQ has lots of advice about how to safely meet kinky people. You learn by finding kinky people and playing with them. One obvious limit is that you're pretty young. You can't get into bars, which is a real limit. Many people were will be reluctant to play with you--they might think you might be under 18 and lying about it (which makes having sex with you a crime), or they may feel that you don't really know what you want (when I play with younger guys, I'm always aware they might freak out and call the cops), and not all kinky people are into really young partners. So be aware that you're in a phase of your life when you are horny all the time and want to play, but will have trouble finding partners.

    As Dan Savage suggests, instead of worrying about getting laid right now, focus on becoming someone who will attract partners in a few years' time. That means working out and getting into pleasing shape, reading books and watching movies so you have things to talk about when you're not having sex, and so on.

    But you still want to find people to play with. So try the kinky dating sites like Collarme and see if you can find someone in your area. Use the vanilla dating sites and slip in a note that your really liked 50 Shades of Grey--kinky people will spot that and respond. Look for your local munch and talk to people there.

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