MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Hi everyone.
Just some background information about me as I'm new to the forum:
I'm a submissive female, 21 in a couple months. I've been in a D/s relationship before but it went from D/s to semi-abusive. As in he would hit me and insult me even when I didn't want it. I did still enjoy the beatings on some kind of level, and he always apologized, but it just got worse and worse until I ended up sleeping in the bathtub most nights because he would beat me if I woke him up climbing into bed at night.
Long story short my parents found out about it and brought me home and I live with them now.
As much of a faliure this relationship was... I was still interested in meeting another master. I really like to be told what to do, slapped around, but most importantly I like to be cuddled and loved after this is all said and done. I like to be called a "good girl" after Ive performed and so on.
I'm in another relationship now with the man I plan on marrying... I do love him so much... but, well.. he's so very nice.
The riskiest thing we do is frequent anal (his favourite and mine) and spanking and only once or twice have I convinced him to hit me in the face (which he loved to do but is too shy to do so unless he's REALLY into it).
Also, his sex drive isn't very high at all... whereas I'm insatiable. He occasionally but rarely watches porn, never jacks off, never initiates sex. He told me that if it wasn't for the bursts of horniness he gets sometimes, he'd be asexual (but that I turn him on like crazy... ). I don't get it cause I'm just his type - tall, dark, exotic beaty, large breasts, etc.
We have a very vanilla relationship and sex life. Our only pet names are sweetie, hun, dear, darling etc.
We spend all our time together and are very much in love... but is it wrong for me to want more from this? I just want him to take a bit more control, is all.
I recently told him that I wanted to take our relationship to a next level. I told him I want him to be my master... he said he was cool with that (I know he's not because he's way too shy... he's so shy that he doesn't even make noise during sex or talk dirty to me EVER)... but then two seconds later I'm asking him how I should dress and do my makeup and he says: "That's your decision sweetheart, not mine, I don't want to control you." I told him "I just want to be the best for you" and he tells me " You have to want to be the best for YOU, not me". I was like... okay... What happened to you being my master?
He says he's cool with it but every time I bring it up he changes the subject. Literally just a couple of minutes ago I said: "I really want you to be my master but it looks like I'm going to have to change the way I am and stop being submissive". And he said: "I know sweetheart...I have a headache"
I'm so confused and frustrated! I've seen that he goes on kink.com on the times that he does look at porn, he likes looking at girls bound up and whipped. That's all that he looks at as far as porn goes, so I know he has it in him... do you think he's just shy? He literally changes the subject EVERY time. You'd think with his taste in porn he'd be all over it...
I've interrogated him so many times on if he has a fetish (he says he has none) or what I could do to turn him on more (he says he's half-asexual).
I love my boyfriend but I really want him to be my master. It doesn't look like it will happen though. One of the reasons I started dating him is because when we chatted the first night all we talked about was sex and anal sex and how much he wanted to get on top of me and rough me up. I was of course instantly attracted. But it looks like it was all talk. I love him anyway, though, don't get me wrong. He treats me with a lot of respect and love, he's handsome and so intelligent...I'm sure he'd be any girls dream. Bah, what's wrong with me?
I don't know what to do.. I guess I just needed to get this out. I have discussed this with him but he either changes the subject or doesn't act on it at all. I just feel really bad for being a sub right now... like I'm doing something wrong and that's why he doesn't want to talk about it. Sorry, just feeling very low right now... he's perfect so why do I want more? I love him so much but I want more from this relationship and I guess I'll just have to accept it and learn how to be more assertive.
Thanks for listening all,
Ale
Just some background information about me as I'm new to the forum:
I'm a submissive female, 21 in a couple months. I've been in a D/s relationship before but it went from D/s to semi-abusive. As in he would hit me and insult me even when I didn't want it. I did still enjoy the beatings on some kind of level, and he always apologized, but it just got worse and worse until I ended up sleeping in the bathtub most nights because he would beat me if I woke him up climbing into bed at night.
Long story short my parents found out about it and brought me home and I live with them now.
As much of a faliure this relationship was... I was still interested in meeting another master. I really like to be told what to do, slapped around, but most importantly I like to be cuddled and loved after this is all said and done. I like to be called a "good girl" after Ive performed and so on.
I'm in another relationship now with the man I plan on marrying... I do love him so much... but, well.. he's so very nice.
The riskiest thing we do is frequent anal (his favourite and mine) and spanking and only once or twice have I convinced him to hit me in the face (which he loved to do but is too shy to do so unless he's REALLY into it).
Also, his sex drive isn't very high at all... whereas I'm insatiable. He occasionally but rarely watches porn, never jacks off, never initiates sex. He told me that if it wasn't for the bursts of horniness he gets sometimes, he'd be asexual (but that I turn him on like crazy... ). I don't get it cause I'm just his type - tall, dark, exotic beaty, large breasts, etc.
We have a very vanilla relationship and sex life. Our only pet names are sweetie, hun, dear, darling etc.
We spend all our time together and are very much in love... but is it wrong for me to want more from this? I just want him to take a bit more control, is all.
I recently told him that I wanted to take our relationship to a next level. I told him I want him to be my master... he said he was cool with that (I know he's not because he's way too shy... he's so shy that he doesn't even make noise during sex or talk dirty to me EVER)... but then two seconds later I'm asking him how I should dress and do my makeup and he says: "That's your decision sweetheart, not mine, I don't want to control you." I told him "I just want to be the best for you" and he tells me " You have to want to be the best for YOU, not me". I was like... okay... What happened to you being my master?
He says he's cool with it but every time I bring it up he changes the subject. Literally just a couple of minutes ago I said: "I really want you to be my master but it looks like I'm going to have to change the way I am and stop being submissive". And he said: "I know sweetheart...I have a headache"
I'm so confused and frustrated! I've seen that he goes on kink.com on the times that he does look at porn, he likes looking at girls bound up and whipped. That's all that he looks at as far as porn goes, so I know he has it in him... do you think he's just shy? He literally changes the subject EVERY time. You'd think with his taste in porn he'd be all over it...
I've interrogated him so many times on if he has a fetish (he says he has none) or what I could do to turn him on more (he says he's half-asexual).
I love my boyfriend but I really want him to be my master. It doesn't look like it will happen though. One of the reasons I started dating him is because when we chatted the first night all we talked about was sex and anal sex and how much he wanted to get on top of me and rough me up. I was of course instantly attracted. But it looks like it was all talk. I love him anyway, though, don't get me wrong. He treats me with a lot of respect and love, he's handsome and so intelligent...I'm sure he'd be any girls dream. Bah, what's wrong with me?
I don't know what to do.. I guess I just needed to get this out. I have discussed this with him but he either changes the subject or doesn't act on it at all. I just feel really bad for being a sub right now... like I'm doing something wrong and that's why he doesn't want to talk about it. Sorry, just feeling very low right now... he's perfect so why do I want more? I love him so much but I want more from this relationship and I guess I'll just have to accept it and learn how to be more assertive.
Thanks for listening all,
Ale
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