I wish my boyfriend would become my master...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Alexandra, Jun 19, 2010.

  1. Alexandra

    Alexandra New Member

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    Hi everyone.

    Just some background information about me as I'm new to the forum:

    I'm a submissive female, 21 in a couple months. I've been in a D/s relationship before but it went from D/s to semi-abusive. As in he would hit me and insult me even when I didn't want it. I did still enjoy the beatings on some kind of level, and he always apologized, but it just got worse and worse until I ended up sleeping in the bathtub most nights because he would beat me if I woke him up climbing into bed at night.

    Long story short my parents found out about it and brought me home and I live with them now.

    As much of a faliure this relationship was... I was still interested in meeting another master. I really like to be told what to do, slapped around, but most importantly I like to be cuddled and loved after this is all said and done. I like to be called a "good girl" after Ive performed and so on.

    I'm in another relationship now with the man I plan on marrying... I do love him so much... but, well.. he's so very nice.

    The riskiest thing we do is frequent anal (his favourite and mine) and spanking and only once or twice have I convinced him to hit me in the face (which he loved to do but is too shy to do so unless he's REALLY into it).

    Also, his sex drive isn't very high at all... whereas I'm insatiable. He occasionally but rarely watches porn, never jacks off, never initiates sex. He told me that if it wasn't for the bursts of horniness he gets sometimes, he'd be asexual (but that I turn him on like crazy... :confused: ). I don't get it cause I'm just his type - tall, dark, exotic beaty, large breasts, etc.

    We have a very vanilla relationship and sex life. Our only pet names are sweetie, hun, dear, darling etc.

    We spend all our time together and are very much in love... but is it wrong for me to want more from this? I just want him to take a bit more control, is all.

    I recently told him that I wanted to take our relationship to a next level. I told him I want him to be my master... he said he was cool with that (I know he's not because he's way too shy... he's so shy that he doesn't even make noise during sex or talk dirty to me EVER)... but then two seconds later I'm asking him how I should dress and do my makeup and he says: "That's your decision sweetheart, not mine, I don't want to control you." :eek: I told him "I just want to be the best for you" and he tells me " You have to want to be the best for YOU, not me". I was like... okay... :confused: What happened to you being my master?

    He says he's cool with it but every time I bring it up he changes the subject. Literally just a couple of minutes ago I said: "I really want you to be my master but it looks like I'm going to have to change the way I am and stop being submissive". And he said: "I know sweetheart...I have a headache"

    I'm so confused and frustrated! I've seen that he goes on kink.com on the times that he does look at porn, he likes looking at girls bound up and whipped. That's all that he looks at as far as porn goes, so I know he has it in him... do you think he's just shy? He literally changes the subject EVERY time. You'd think with his taste in porn he'd be all over it...

    I've interrogated him so many times on if he has a fetish (he says he has none) or what I could do to turn him on more (he says he's half-asexual).

    I love my boyfriend but I really want him to be my master. It doesn't look like it will happen though. One of the reasons I started dating him is because when we chatted the first night all we talked about was sex and anal sex and how much he wanted to get on top of me and rough me up. I was of course instantly attracted. But it looks like it was all talk. I love him anyway, though, don't get me wrong. He treats me with a lot of respect and love, he's handsome and so intelligent...I'm sure he'd be any girls dream. Bah, what's wrong with me?

    I don't know what to do.. I guess I just needed to get this out. I have discussed this with him but he either changes the subject or doesn't act on it at all. I just feel really bad for being a sub right now... like I'm doing something wrong and that's why he doesn't want to talk about it. Sorry, just feeling very low right now... he's perfect so why do I want more? I love him so much but I want more from this relationship and I guess I'll just have to accept it and learn how to be more assertive. :(

    Thanks for listening all,

  2. Boundperil

    Boundperil Member

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    I'm going to answer this with a little of my life history, not sure if it will help, just not sure advise to give at this moment.

    My bride would play light bondage games when we dated. That dried up after we were married, she understood my need, so we had a deal that I could have subs, but with no intercourse. It worked well for many years, but I wanted my bride, that is who I dreamed off, that is why I married her. 20 years later, it has happened. She has submitted to me.

    But that is not the norm. What is the old saying, woman get married hoping to change their husbands, men get married hoping their wives don't change.

    There is a lot of truth to that. If you can't make something work now, you really have to sit back and think about your future together. I know this is not the advice everyone wants to hear, but it is the reality of things. How many marriages end badly because couples can't work things out? No two people will perfectly sync, but there are some major key points they have to be on the same page with, sex is one of them.

    My bride and I were not on the same page, but we worked it out. Not a lot of folks can do that. Can you?

    From what you expressed, it seems sex isn't a major factor for him, and if you have a faster libido it can cause a lot of problems. That was one of the factors that was driving me and my bride apart, was the difference in just basic needs of sex times.
  3. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Sometimes the hardest questions to ask.... are the one's we already know the answer to.

    alexandra -
    You describe yourself as a beautiful woman, submissive, high sex drive. You've had a man who was to evil, and now you have one that's to nice. Doesn't seem that you have that much of a problem finding men.
    I don't think you're going to have any trouble finding the right one. But it won't happen immediately. Keep the idea of who and what you really want and you will have it.

    Wish I met someone like you quite a while ago.

  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Alexandra, I have to agree with Bound and L8 here. I suspect that you and your bf are not sexually compatible. There are really two issues here: your bf's sex drive and what turns him on. Your bf may be one of the people with a naturally low sex drive. Asexualism is a recognized phenomenon. If he's toward the asexual end of the spectrum, there is a good chance that he will always be like that. He's not sick or defective, just wired differently in terms of the strength of his libido. Alternately, it's possible that his sexual desires move in some other direction (he could be a closeted homosexual, or into some particular kink that he's too ashamed to discuss) that you're not able to address. Either way, there are only two options. 1) Accept his low sex drive as a fact you are willing to live with for the rest of your life (barring some treatable medical issue being discovered) or 2) acknowledge that his low sex drive is not something you can live with, break up with him, and find a kinky guy who will abuse you (in a good way) as often as you need. But do not marry him expecting that eventually he will find his sex drive and bang you ever day. That will not happen. The start of a relationship is normally the period of maximum frequency intercourse, so it is highly unlikely that the frequency will do anything other than decline.

    He says that he wants to be your master and he watches bondage porn, so presumably that means he has some interest in bondage. His reluctance to actually commit to domming you might come from several things. 1) He might want to but lack the confidence to do it. 2) He might be afraid of hurting you. 3) He might actually be submissive, and secretly longing that you'll take charge of him. 4) He might be a nice guy who thinks that domming is only something bad boys do. 1, 2, and 4 are treatable conditions with a lot of discussion, reading, and practice, assuming he's willing to do them. If he's not, there's nothing to be done, I think. 3 is less treatable, but perhaps you could work out a system of trading off to meet each other's needs.

    Overall, however, I think the wisest option might be to simply admit that you and he are not sexually compatible and have an honest and open discussion about whether it is worth pursuing marriage in this situation.
  5. Zendora

    Zendora New Member

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    I understand what you are going through, I have been with my current boyfriend for a while now and I love him dearly, but S&M is not his thing. However in a few months we are moving apart from each other and hard as it is a long-distance relationship is not something either of us want to persue. I won't regret our relationship but it has made me realise just how important it is to me to have a boyfriend who can also be my Master.

    I'm afraid I have to agree with the others, you have to decide whether the kind of relationship you have now is one you want to have for the rest of your life
  6. hotgirl990

    hotgirl990 New Member

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    wow i had the SAME SITUATION, my boyfriend was such a nice guy never said anything wrong would always let me chose everything was a completely vanilla type of guy , so one day i told him about all my wants that i want to be dominated,slapped, etc. and he kept on changing the subject it was just so hard for me to get to him, we tried rough sex sometimes but thats as far as it would go. i told him to tie me up, he wouldnt do it. sometimes he would spank me or put blindfold on me and i expressed to him that i enjoyed it very much he obviously got happy , but never went on to do more even wen i told him i loved it and it really turned me on. after a few months he started changing and did become more aggressive but with that honey came all my problems, he started never being home i would call wouldnt pik up, he stoped being the nice guy and totally neglected me and stoped paying anyyyy attention to me , i was devasted, so it ended up in a break up , so my advice to you is enjoy your nice boyfriend theres very little guys like that out there those are the guys that will be there for you and provide for you keep him and dont change him. i changed mine and now im heartbroken and all alone, so honestly please take my advice and leave it like it is, i suffered way to much without him and now i see him like a totaly different person who got a tattoo and became a pothead.
  7. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    what? whoa, whoa

    lets calm down down here in this thread

    we should all know what real abuse DOES NOT equal bdsm
    if your boyfriend turned into a loser, its not because you asked him to tie you up
  8. hotgirl990

    hotgirl990 New Member

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    but he felt that he was being too light before, so he started acting like a "cool" guy to show me that he wasnt so geeky
  9. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    that doesn't even make sense

    he was too vanilla, so he must be a geek
    therefor, he must become a jerk. Becuase jerks are cool? Also jerks are kinky?

  10. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Actually it does kinda make sense.

    Lots of guys try to adopt the persona of a bad boy when they feel inadequate, getting advice from the wrong friends who pretend they know. Friends who don't even know what a Dominant is.

    Next thing they're telling him that she's a slut and likes to be treated badly, like a bar slut, like someone who's worthless, and he needs to be more of an ass.

    Tats, pot..... bad boy/slacker. Not a Dominant...... Just an asshole.

    To bad.

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