Something is wrong with Ezra.

EZRA · Feb 5, 2010

Thank you everyone.
I'm doing better now, the out pouring of love and support from you people has been overwhelming.

I actually feel kind of silly for the way I feeling ,for as alone as I felt.
(Ive been told not to feel silly about it)

My troubles are mostly my own "stuff" so I never feel good about talking to other people about them,Ashamed of my self for the insecurities I feel, for the neediness that comes from a childhood filled with loneliness and abandonment. Don't get me wrong my mother loved me, she never left me with anyone she didn't trust.

SO I'm kind of high maintenance I need constant reassurance that I'm wanted or loved.
I'm at the end of a series of events in wich I have been left to my own devices for a little more than two weeks.. not alone alone but Mistress has been emotionaly unavailable (sick, family issues, tired) all the things I can't complain about or be mad about , or be bratty. so I basically internalised my feelings and well yesterday morning I just collapsed, Basically right in the middle of posting on the "Feelings" thread.

I'm kind of embarrassed by, but I'm also very grateful for the support you people have shown me.
and for the understanding from those I talked directly with.

THANK YOU!

EZRA · Feb 5, 2010

sebastian said:
Sorry you're in a dark place, Ezra. I've been in similar places myself, and I guarantee that it gets better. You're not in that place alone; we're all here for you if you need to talk. Just remember, the depths of depression is not the time to make any major decisions.

You needn't worry , I 'm also a parent so "major desissions" always involved what is best for my kids, (well) as much kid as 13, and 10 years old are.

Who by the way, get held so much by me they get annoyed with me, I refuse to pass on, what has been done to me.

stefanofgor · Feb 5, 2010

courage

Hi Ezra, I don't know you but I know how you feel. I've been through it like you and am still going through it in a different way right now. Take heart. The wheel of fortune turns in unexpected ways sometimes. I will not counsel you to look at the bright side because you may not be able to see it. But there is always hope and we must not throw that away. Just try to keep calm and remember that there are people who love you even though you may not know it. Sometimes it helps to pray even if your faith is small. I know.

sebastian · Feb 5, 2010

Ezra, I'm glad you're finding a little perspective. For me, depression is always about the loss of perspective and an inability to imagine that the future can be different than today. Today's pain become oversized and I can't think that a week from now it might be less. But it does eventually get less, so I try to have faith that somehow the pain will shrink and become manageable and allow room for happiness and pleasure. And I'm glad you have kids who can help anchor you.

I'm not a sub, and I don't know how you think of being submissive, but maybe it would help to think that being submissive gives you permission to not be strong. Subs are, in some sense, supposed to be weak--that's part of why they respond to dominance. In our culture, men are supposed to be the strong tough ones who never feel pain. But being submissive can give you a space to put that burden down and just accept there are things you can't manage right now.

InnocentFacade · Feb 5, 2010

sebastian said:
being submissive gives you permission to not be strong. Subs are, in some sense, supposed to be weak--that's part of why they respond to dominance.

Excuse me? I'm not trying to hijack the thread, but I'm thinking you should really re-evaluate your opinion of submissives.

We ARE strong. We have enough strength in us to allow ourselves to detach from the human instinct to control. Enough strength to know that we may go through unpleasant things, enough strength to endure and perhaps enjoy them out of sheer desire to please our dominants.

Ezra, You are NOT weak. Weak is a (wo)man who cannot attach himself to his feelings and emotions well enough to express what he's going through.

Obedient Little Puppy · Feb 5, 2010

I have to say, I agree with IF...a sub needs to be strong to be able to handle the physical and emotional aspects of all we endure.

Could it be that perhaps you meant not weakness as such, but to be able to give up control and responsibility? This, I could understand, but not weakness

And Ezra, I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better

master jey · Feb 5, 2010

agreed with both IF and OLP and yes EZRA like hell you are weak dude you are bigger then me XD
i'm really glad thet you feel better do your best

sebastian · Feb 5, 2010

I didn't mean to suggest that subs are inherently weak. Clearly subbing does take deep reserves of strength, both mental and physical. My apologies if that's how it came off. What I mean is that male subs have to deal with the cultural expectation that men are supposed to be strong all the time, that being submissive is shaming and feminine because it involves weakness. And Ezra was expressing unhappiness with being submissive. I'm suggesting that being a sub provides a space for a man to give up the need to be strong and in charge and simply accept that it's ok to not be in change, not have all the answers, and not feel strong and tough all the time. At least among some of the gay doms I've talked to, one role of the dom is to be the protector of the sub, to be strong where the sub isn't. So if what Ezra is wrestling with is feeling guilty about submitting because our culture says that's weak and therefore bad, this is a different way to look at it.

But I realize that not every sub sees things that way--clearly from the reaction people had. So Ezra, if that's of any use to you, good; otherwise just ignore it and sorry if it distracted from your needs.

My Love My Lord · Feb 6, 2010

I think maybe what Sebastian was trying to say was “vulnerable” instead of "weak"? Semantics, maybe, but, I believe a meaningful distinction.

Sebastian – Sorry if Im putting words in your mouth, and please correct me if I misunderstand your intent, I just didn’t get the sense you were trying to be offensive or belittling, so, thought I would try to throw my interpretation in…

sebastian · Feb 6, 2010

No, 'vulnerable' is good way to phrase it. Thank you. I absolutely wasn't trying to be offensive--I was hoping it might help Ezra process. This stuff is so hard to talk about, because it cuts across so many ideas of masculinity, and moral behavior, and so on, and d/s involves such contradictory ideas. And perhaps it's also affected by my being a gay man--I can't quite articulate it but the whole issue of strong/weak seems to have a particular dynamic between two men that perhaps isn't there in straight couples.

Something is wrong with Ezra.

EZRA

Member

EZRA

Member

stefanofgor

New Member

sebastian

Active Member

InnocentFacade

Member

Obedient Little Puppy

Moderator

master jey

Moderator

sebastian

Active Member

My Love My Lord

Member

sebastian

Active Member

Similar threads