I dont want to tarnish her memory....

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by DomC, Jun 1, 2013.

  1. DomC

    DomC New Member

    About a year ago before I discovered SMplace and other such sites I met a submissive female named Hannah on Omegle. She was 19 and a university student from New Zealand. 3 months ago she passed away after a short battle with cancer. The last I heard from her was 2 weeks before she passed. When I met Hannah she was a virgin but was dating this guy for a few months. They had done oral on her partner but never asked for anything in return. She wanted a master to help her orgasm and bring her more confidence to her life. During her time serving me, she lost her virginity to her boyfriend, even had anal and multiple orgasms. I helped her with all this. In relation to kink she brought sex toys, butt plugs, nipple clamps etc. She had a diaper fetish and wore these at home and spoiled them. I introduced to public orgasms which she loved and enjoyed many on the bus to university. One of her last message to me was telling me she did not want to inform her boyfriend of her kinky side. Sometime in the last 2 weeks of her life she most of had the courage to inform him about me, a separate email account she used just for me, her love for bdsm, her desire to one meet me (she told him as a friend though in the past she did mention other actives) and pretty much everything. Today I received an email from her last boyfriend which was the words he choose. I am somewhat thankful he did. He told that she passed peacefully in her sleep at the end of March. He took the time to figure out the password and felt he inform of all this. Hannah stated many times that she loved us equally but in different ways. To the world outside of kink some may consider her kinks dirty especially since she believed up until her last message that her boyfriend was not into this what so ever. This is where I need the advice. He ended the email with some questions, he wanted explanations to which he is entitled to as like he stated it most of been difficult on him to find out that she also had feelings of a different kind for another man. He list some minor things that he knew and some of the toys she had. He then requested to know everything we did and talked about. Were there plans to meet etc? I want to reply to him but I dont know what to say. I dont want his image of her to change. I dont want her memory tarnished. For the first time in my life I dont know what to do? He is the first person to know about our relationship. This is also the first time I have spoken openly about it to anyone. Im a little lost. I expected her passage and moved on. I dont know what to do. Can anyone help? Sorry for the long post I thought it would help to have some background to the post.
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Perhaps you could put a disclaimer at the top saying "I would rather you didn't read this; we both loved her and I don't want to tarnish your memories of a lovely woman. However, if you really want to, it's there," or something of that nature.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    DomC: I'm sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was a special woman, and it sounds like you helped her open up to her sexuality in a responsible way.

    She asked you not to share the information with him about her kinky side, and that's an important consideration, but unless you promised not to say anything, I don't think you need to feel bound by that request, for 2 reasons. 1) The bf already knows she was kinky; he just doesn't know how or why. He's seeking answers to questions that obviously are eating at him a little. So the cat is out of the bag. 2) Hannah is gone, but you and her other bf are among the living. She had a right to make her own choices, but you and he need to live with your loss and make peace with it, and sometimes that means not obeying the requests of the dead. Life always sides with the living. You need to decide which will cause more harm: telling or not telling.

    If you decide that you can tell him, I think my response would be along the lines of "Thank you very much for contacting me and letting me know about Hannah's passing. I deeply appreciate it, because I cared about her a good deal. I'm glad you were helping take care for her at the end. If you want to know what we did, I will tell you. You have a right to know if you want to, but she asked me not to tell you, and I don't want to violate that unless you are certain that this information will help you cope with your loss. However, some of the things I will tell you might change the way you think of her, simply by revealing desires and fantasies she never expressed to you. Once you learn about them, you can't unlearn them, and I don't want to color your memories of her, especially while you're mourning her. I'm not saying she had dark secrets that will horrify you, but kinky desires can be confusing and discomforting to non-kinky people, and that may have been the reason she never shared them with you. So take a while and really think if you want to know these things. If you do, let me know and I'll answer any questions you have."

    Then, if he persists, answer his questions honestly, and with a little explanation of why submissives get turned on by being submissive. The important thing is to tell him in a way that helps him make sense of some of her stranger kinks and doesn't poison his ability to feel good about her (the diaper one is guaranteed to upset him; I think you can reasonably withhold that one, unless he really presses).

    If you decide that you cannot in good conscience tell him, you might respond as follows "I understand that you are surprised and confused about this side of Hannah that she chose to keep from you, and I understand that you want to know what she discussed with me and what she fantasized about. But before she died, she asked me not to tell you about these things, and I feel a duty to honor her wishes in this regard. So I can't really answer your questions. Hannah was concerned that you wouldn't understand this side of her, and she cared a great deal about what you thought of her. What I can tell you is that she was a good woman. Nothing that she shared with me was immoral or illegal or harmful to anyone. She was simply exploring her desires and making sense of who she was sexually. She asked me to help her build her confidence so that she could be more intimate with you, and I hope that I accomplished that."

    My advice would be to tell him, but you need to be ok with not honoring her request. I hope this helps.

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