Newbie to D/S

kateyp · Feb 16, 2013

Hello all,
I am a 25 year old female, and I have just started dating a male a few years older than me. We finally made out for the first time and I was surprised...in a good way. My guy pulled my hair, flung me around the room like I've never been flung before, bit me, scratched me....and I loved it!

Afterwards we had a conversation. He said he was dominant, and he thought I might be a submissive. He started talking about safewords, asking me what I liked and didnt like. I dont know what I am or what I like! All the guys I have been with before have been very vanilla. I have never had fantastic sex, I always felt a bit bored, frustrated that the guy wasnt taking control and bossing me about, and i always wondered if there was more.

Although I havent had sex with this guy yet, I now know what he is like ie dominant. If he fucks anything like he makes out, I know it will be AMAZING.

I just feel a bit new and vanilla to all of this. Obviously I will talk and communicate with him, but i wanted a bit of knowledge before i discussed it as i didnt want to look like an idiot. Am i a submissive? i really, really enjoyed him taking control and throwing me about as he did....it happened three days ago and i havent been able to stop thnking about it. Is he a dominant? what does that entail? if someone is generally dominant in the bedroom, does this cross over into other aspects of the relationship? I honestly dont have a clue. As I said, i know the best way is to talk to him, but i feel a bit green to it all!

HadesTorment · Feb 17, 2013

Hello, kateyp.

Although it sounds as though you may very well be submissive, you asking for information about it gets you are on the right road to finding out. There are submissives and there consensual slaves. A slave is submissive but a submissive is not necessarily a slave. The same can be said about Dominants/Dominatrix and Masters/Mistresses. It's a very personal thing. In the end, this is a question only you can answer.

My advice to you is find information from several sources, not just from your guy. Ask other EXPERIENCED subs and slaves about the lifestyle. Also, talk with other Doms and Masters but, be careful here. There are fakes, so read through posts and look for any that consistently sound like they know what they're talking about.

You have several other questions that I'm not going to answer just now - not because I can't, because I won't. There is another much more important issue I think needs dealt with first. There is a fine line between BDSM and abuse. That line is known in the lifestyle as informed consent. No experienced, responsible Dom would cause you to submit without it. Your guy did not talk to you about what he was going to do to you before he did it so he can not have had your consent. This, for most in the lifestyle, is irresponsible and most subs will tell you to run as far away from this guy as possible and they'll probably not say it as nicely as I am. He is either a newbie himself or a fake looking for a victim. In either case he's potentially dangerous. Submissive does not equal doormat.

Now, the rest of your questions can be can be answered. The answers all depend on your wants and desires. Some live it only in the bedroom while others live it 24/7. If you want a dominant 24/7 then find one. It's just like any other relationship, you find what you're looking for. It's all up to you and your partner. There are many dynamics and variables in people to give you any absolute answer. The only constant is you.

Some in the lifestyle use SSC (safe, sane and consensual (google it)), while others go with RACK (Rask-Aware Consensual Kink (google that too)). Myself, I use some from both.

Play safe & responsible and have fun.

stanley_jeffries · Feb 17, 2013

Hi Kateyp,

Welcome to the board.

I'm curious about this first session. Were you giving any indications that you'd like to be treated roughly?

As HadesTorment mentioned, one of the central ideas in BDSM is consensual play. So I'm guessing you made some encouraging noises or sounds that told him you were enjoying it. The reason I'm asking is that you need to be sure that this man is playing by the rules for BDSM, and isn't just some thug who likes slapping women around.

If he's a genuine dominant then roleplay will be extremely important, and it sounds like he already introduced the idea of safe words.

With safe words you can signal that you are "starting roleplay", and that what you do and say until the "stop roleplay" word is said is all acting.

If you are within the roleplay scene, then you can say things like...

"You're hurting me!"

...when he pulls your hair. But really he knows he's not hurting you, because the safe word system gives him that confidence. If you said...

"Red! You're hurting me!"

He now knows you're serious (assuming "red" is your safe word). He's hurting you, and the level of the pain is more than you want to take.

You can evolve your roleplay to suit what pleases him. He may prefer you to be very submissive and polite to him. Or he may like the idea of you being sassy and resisting him.

Resistance and rough sex can be tricky...it's easy for you (or him) to get really hurt in the struggle.

This is where bondage can help. If you are tied up you can resist with less risk of getting hurt.

But I would strongly suggest that you get to know this man much better before you let him tie you up. There has to be a very strong level of trust before that can happen safely.

Verbal resistance is always useful too.

So play safely...and enjoy yourself

Cheers,
Stanley

kateyp · Feb 17, 2013

Hello,
Firstly thankyou for your responses, i feel a bit more clued up and its always good to get responses off of people who seem to know what they were talking about

Beforehand, no nothing was said...we literally kissed (we had been dating for about 6 weeks before this and this was the first time we kissed) then it quite quickly turned into heavy making out. So no proper conversation was had but i was making encouraging noises/signals etc throughout...he was asking me what i did and didnt like, which was fine by me, but from the sounds of it doesnt actually sound like proper consent, which concerns me =/ although safewords were mentioned as i said. He was very attentive and passionate throughout, it felt as if to me he was exploring what i liked and didnt like.

I know i need to speak to him about this, and be honest about my lack of experience in this area, which i am happy to do. i never considered myself sexually inexperienced before, but with this i feel as if i am starting all over again...is this normal?

stanley_jeffries · Feb 17, 2013

I think it's always normal to feel out of one's depth in a situation like this.

He seems to be confident and experienced in an area that's unfamiliar to you.

Don't worry about it - if it's something you enjoy then I'm sure you'll pick things up very quickly.

If he was asking if you liked what he was doing, and you said yes then it sounds like there was a level of consent to me - but I wasn't there

Also, if he is being clear about safe words it also implies he's concerned with safety.

My advice is to take things slowly, and as I suggested in my previous post, be very careful about "rough play" because it's so easy for one of you (probably you) to get hurt.

Roleplay will be very exciting for both of you. Do you, by any chance, have acting experience? Because roleplay is just acting.

I think one reason why a lot of people use "classic" scenes for roleplay is that it allows each party to know instinctively what they have to say and do.

For example...strict schoolteacher and naughty schoolgirl. Or boss and secretary.

In this post I suggested a religious confessional scene - which is also highly stylized.

Because this kind of scene is more "scripted", and the violence is more controlled, there's less chance that somebody is going to get genuinely hurt.

Cheers,
Stanley

sebastian · Feb 18, 2013

Welcome, kateyp. Informed consent is really important, but honestly, it sounds like this guy is being reasonable. My guess is that he didn't discuss BDSM before he made out with you because he didn't know you real well and he was worried about scaring you off. As you made out, he let out a little of his aggression and when you responded, he gave you more of it as he saw you were enjoying yourself, and he asked you what you were enjoying. When you were done, he immediately brought up safe words and started to introduce the idea of BDSM because now he knew you might be interested in it. Nothing he did was heavy enough to make consent truly essential, and my guess is that if you had told him to stop (even in pretense) he would have. So while Hades and Stanley are right that informed consent is critical, what you've described doesn't sound like a guy who is a danger. If he were a problem dom, my guess is that he would have discussed BDSM but not talked about safe words.

Have you read the Newcomer's FAQ? There's a lot info in there intended for people just like you, who need some orientation and basic concepts. So read through the FAQ and then ask us more questions as you find them.

Venym · Feb 19, 2013

I'm concerned for you kateyp. I understand that you're feeling things about the lifestyle that you didn't before, and I'm glad you found someone to allow those feelings to show themselves, but this statement concerns me.

"We finally made out for the first time and I was surprised...in a good way. My guy pulled my hair, flung me around the room like I've never been flung before, bit me, scratched me...."

Remember that there is also a difference between a Dom and a Misogynist. To me that is assault, my own personal feelings. Consent, Awareness, Responsibility, Enthusiasm. Look at that acronym.

You were kissing, then making out, and then you were being tossed around a room. No consent, or awareness on your part. No responsbility on his, and well at least you're enthusiastic.

I would highly advise taking things very, very slow with this guy, or seeking another, more practiced dom in your area to get you into this lifestyle.

I remember when I was first introduced into this lifestyle, I tried swinging, realized early on that it wasn't for me, but continued to experiment down that path since my girlfriend preferred to swing. We were at a party once, and she wanted to tie me up. I was all for it knowing how we played at home, and when I was tied up she had at me. Once I realized she was going to go too far, and not stop, I started calling out our safe word which was ignored. It ended with scarring, which has gone away thank god, and some minor nerve damage in my spine.

*grins* I thought she was experienced in this lifestyle at the time, because she introduced me to it, and I took what she said on faith for the most part. My advice is to do a lot of research before you leap into this lifestyle with this man.

All the best, and I hope you find your dom.

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sebastian

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