Hello Folks, this will be a long post, so please bear with me. I am in desperate need of advice and insight. Therefore, thanks in advance to everyone who takes the time to read and respond to this. Furthermore, I would like to apologize in advance if my phrasing or choice of words or the concepts contained therein are perceived as offensive. It is not my intent to offend, but to understand concepts I am currently being confronted with. If my lack of knowledge and understanding seems offensive, please enlighten me to my errors. First, about myself: I have strong moral convictions, among them the credo that violence is never an appropriate means and that hurting people is plain wrong. I'm not a pacifist and I realize that violence is sometimes necessary, but it should be a last resort. Despite this, I have always had an interest in pain and dominance, the giving not the receiving. However, with a few rare exceptions, this has always been limited to fantasies. I have had a few sexual encounters that would probably technically be part of the BDSM scene, but for the most part I prefer, for want of a better word, "normal" sex. I have had a few encounters with individuals who tried to introduce me to the scene, but most things I saw there either outright scared me or simply turned me off. To clarify, I enjoy the occasional bondage game, I don't mind giving out a couple of spanks and I enjoy dirty talk, but I am not into the harder stuff like torture, latex, candle wax etc. Pictures or Videos of this has occasionally turned me on, but for the most part, it's a downer for me. I'd like to emphasize the fact that this is a simple issue of what gets me hard and what doesn't. In terms of tolerance, I don't care what people do behind closed doors as long as its consentual. Anyway, on to the actual problem. A week ago, my fiancÃ© jumped me and asked me to hit her. Since I was in the mood I obliged her and enjoyed the encounter for a while, but once she asked me to hit her in the face and suffocate her I couldn't deal. Plain and simple, it went too far. She accepted that and things went on. Later that evening she told me that she had discovered herself to be a submissive. Basically she had her coming out, which I would like to state is a great thing. I enjoy seeing her as lively as she has become and I truly am happy for her. For me however, the situation has caused a couple of problems, some of which I currently feel uninformed to deal with properly. To elaborate, in the beginning of our relationship I felt she might be into BDSM or at least rough sex and for a while we experimented. She seemed to enjoy it initially, but after a while she seemed less and less comfortable and after a long talk she told me that she did not want to experiment anymore. Since I did and do not want to force her into anything, we agreed and my desires went back to fantasies, which I was and am fine with. One might think that everything is just dandy, seeing as I have desires in that direction and she has rediscovered her sexuality and our desires seem to match, but the reality of it is quite different. This will require a little chronology and patience, so once again, please bear with me: Her coming out was brought about by a new coworker of hers, who, like me in the beginning of our relationship sensed her interests, but unlike me was both versed and experienced in the scene and was actually able to bring about her self-discovery. Now, my fiancÃ© is a bit of a tease and she simply enjoys playful banter. It gets her confidence up, makes her feel good and basically makes her happy. This I never minded. A week before her coming out, she started to tell me that a coworker of hers was teasing her similarly to her own habits, but since he was aware of my existence and I trust her I didn't mind much. At some point in this back and forth of harmless teasing, they discovered her interests and her coming out came about. Apparently he is quite versed in the scene, a self proclaimed dominant with several female "toys" as he calls them at this disposal and the experience to match. So far so good, but then they started to experiment. This is where my problems and the contradictions begin and my understanding ends. It is important to note that her definitions and terminology come straight from her coworker since he is her only source of information and she is somewhat prone to parrot things back when they make sense to her. She's capable of critical thinking, she simply sometimes chooses not to employ it. According to her, their experiments have been strictly non sexual and non intimate. What she means by this, is that he touched her, with her consent, in varying degrees of application of force. The pain caused by this aroused her and she enjoyed it. Now, I maybe old fashioned but I like to call a spade a spade. When a man touches a woman's upper thigh and she is aroused by the touch, that's an intimate encounter to me. Yet, the both of them persist that intimacy and sexuality, both defining characteristics of faithfulness to me, play no role at all. In one discussion with him he told me that to him, sex is the actual act of penetration while everything else is fun and games. She seems to share this mindset. Partially because of this, all this happened before she told me of her coming out and my opinion or "consent" (this will make more sense later) were never asked for. As if the above was not conflict enough, my fiancÃ© told me that she wanted to enter a dominant/ submissive relationship with her coworker. Strictly non sexual and non intimate, simply "playing" as she called it. She suggested a few rules to be set and basically asked for my "consent" (In the sense that she wants me to be comfortable with the concept). Again, allow me illustrate my dilemma here. She basically wants to become one of his "toys" to be played with at his leisure (assuming her consent on a per game basis) and claims this is neither intimate nor sexual. No matter which way she puts it and no matter how I turn it, all I hear and understand is: "I want to have an intimate relationship, in order to experiment within my newfound sexuality, with another man." Apparently, he even suggested a three-way, graciously ensuring her to grant me the lead as he does not mind to be submissive every once in awhile, before we even ever met or I was even aware of the whole thing. I digress, the day after she told me of her coming out and jumped me, despite my intentions, I met the man when I picked her up from work. They had been working late and she asked me if we could either drop him off or if we wanted to go for a drink since his next bus was scheduled for an hour later. Not wanting to be an ass and seeing her pleading looks, I agreed to go for a drink. My perception may be flawed, but I feel I tried to be friendly and I tried to get to know him. He was new in town so I told him some local trivia while we were driving and later politely asked how he came to be into town, about his career and the like. I honestly wanted to understand the man in front of me. He obliged me somewhat, politely answering my questions but volunteering little information and despite my initial statement that I would prefer not to talk about "the issue" tonight he kept coming back to the topic. I realize that I sometimes am not easy to get along with and I guess I could have been friendlier and he probably sensed my reluctance, but all I got from him the entire evening was the picture of a person who does not care one bit to get to know me and only cares about getting my "consent" so he can go on with what he really wants: to have a dominator/ submissive relationship with my fiancÃ©. He did not fill my polite pauses for replies or counter questions, he never once asked me a single question about myself, my interests or my work and he never inquired to my well-being or even tried to make me feel comfortable. When we dropped him off, he did not shake my hand, but grabbed my fiancÃ© by her scarf tightly while looking at her with cold eyes as if giving a silent order. She did not seem to mind. I did. At the very least, it was disrespectful. After we had dropped him off, I told my fiancÃ© that I did not trust him and did not feel comfortable with the whole concept. I elaborated that he did not seem to show any interest in building trust or a friendship but simply seemed to view me as an obstacle towards his goal. Furthermore I informed her that his eyes give me the creeps and that I had a bad feeling about the whole thing. She seemed downcast and sad, but accepted my decision and told me that she would break it off. Seeing her this sad broke my heart, leading to me lying awake almost the entire night, mulling the thing over in my head. The next morning, I had come to the decision that while I did and do not trust him, I trust her and that she deserved the right to make up her own mind. Therefore, I devised a couple of, rather restrictive, rules to ensure her safety and to put my mind at ease and told her that as long as they both agreed to and followed these rules, I was willing to give him and their experiments a chance. She was overjoyed and agreed to the rules, seeing them as sensible mostly, and agreed to inform him of my decision. During the day, she called me and told me that he had agreed to the rules but wanted to meet me again to "clear up some of my misconceptions". Reluctant to place myself in his presence again so soon, I told her that I would think it over. In the evening, against my better judgment, I decided that everyone deserves a second chance and agreed to meet them after we all had finished work.