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Randomguy86 · Jul 6, 2011

Sorry for complaining people. Please just ignore me or tell me to shut the fuck up...

Ceilidh · Jul 6, 2011

subarama30 said:
Just wanted to say that I really feel for what you've gone through Ceilidh, I have never lost any children far along but have had a lot of early losses and it can really mess you up not to mention the stuff with your dad. Family, they can suck.

Thanks subarama. I do have to say though all of this talking about what I have been through is making me look back into my past and well, I am slowly re-entertaining the idea of picking up the book I started to write and work on it again.

No guarantees, just the seed of an idea right now. In a nutshell I am unsure. I guess I should read what I already have written and then figure out if I could do it or not.

Ceilidh · Jul 6, 2011

Randomguy.

Take a deep breath and relax. You worrying yourself so much isn't going to help you or her.

Think of it this way, if she cares, like she ought to----- and she sees you worrying so much, how would that make her feel? She might think the worst and that could lead to her distancing herself from you.

Now I didn't say that to upset you, I said it in hopes you will stop fretting. If you have to sit down and make a list of whatever is running through your head. Then do that. Sort your thoughts, figure out what/why you need/want to submit to her and sit down with her ……oh, let's say over dinner? And explain to her how she used you that one night has got you thinking and you would like her to do more things like that to you again. And ask how she felt doing those things to you, maybe she is trying to sort out her own thoughts and feelings on being a Domme?

Just think baby steps. And I know. The first step is the hardest. But baby steps, go slowly. I mean, you don't expect her to have you tied and suspended from the ceiling by next weekend, explain that to her. (lol, sorry just an off the wall example) but do explain and encourage what she has already done and maybe you two can grow from there.

subarama30 · Jul 6, 2011

Randomguy86 said:
Thanks for the insight subarama!

Yea I know I really have to have a good talk but Im dreading it soo much : ( Just so god damn anxious that she will get mad with me and we will end up fighting and I really don't want that because we get really nasty towards each other.

Guess I just really need to vent while getting the balls to talk with her.

I only ever want to please her and get so incredibley worried all the time that I have annoyed her somehow that it makes me sick to think about it : ( Call me a pussy or whatever I don't really care anymore. I don't have any friends except her. I don't know if this is healthy or not...

Thanks for the reply

You are not a pussy you are just stressing about it way too much. I agree with Ceilidh that you should write down everything that you want to say as this can be easier than saying it - I should know I did that too when I didn't have the guts to talk about my past.

I too don't have friends really except my partner, always been a bit of a loner though so it doesn't bother me that much some people think it's not healthy but I'm ok with it. That's why online is good to get outside perspective.

She would probably be shocked to know how much you are worrying about talking to her...and yeah maybe she is dealing with what happened before and sorting through her own feelings towards dominating you. You really need to get it out in the open before you drive yourself crazy - or crazier than you are at the moment

Randomguy86 · Jul 7, 2011

Thanks Ceilidh and Subarama for the advise!

I feel a little more sane after reading your posts. I'm glad to know that there are other people out there who don't have friends other than their partner too. Makes me feel not so much like a freak (no offense intended).

Anyway, I feel a lot better today due to some awsome morning sex which she usually hates but I was like stuff this Im just gunna go down on her (she was still asleep lol) and she woke up all horny and also she told me after she was having a sex dream about me before she woke up : ) Ohh I feel soo much better today and knowing that she does't think Im a disgusting freak and does wanna have sex with me helps too. lol.

Do you think it would be inappropriate to send her an email or txt msgs through the day telling her how I feel? Or would I sound like a perve? It would be much easier to write to her because honestly she kind of intimidates me. lol. But I suppose I wouldn't be feeling like I want to submit to her if she didn't intimidate me.

Its amazing what I will write to people on the net who I don't know but then again I don't have anyone else to tell so thanks for listening and not telling me to fuck off. I appreciate it : )

Ceilidh · Jul 7, 2011

I dont know about the email and texting. Maybe it would work. But if you do go that route I would do it while you both are in the house at the same time. Then she would be able to talk to you right then. You also might want to be sure you tell her that she intimidates you and you have been trying to get the courage to talk to her about this, but just can't form the words.

You could also leave things around. Like web pages on bdsm information open on the computer. Nothing to outlandish. Just basically information on the lifestyle. And safety too! Maybe perhaps a shopping list of books to buy online. Or a letter to her left open on the computer or if you are brave enough print it out and leave it somewhere she will quickly find it.

And btw, thanks for reminding me that I don't have any friends. Fuck off.

Just kidding.

Randomguy86 · Jul 7, 2011

Hmm. I did actually ask her when could I be her sex slave again but I think she thought I was joking : (

She did say that she enjoyed it as well though, which is good : )

I am so nervous to talk about it though because I'm afraid of spilling the whole can of beans and there is some stuff in there I know she finds repulsive and which I haven't mentioned on here.

But Im going to try and incorporate the more vanilla bdsm things in sex and try to slowly express myself that way until I am comfortable to let the beans out of the bag.

Or if you think thats a bad idea, just say : )

Ceilidh · Jul 7, 2011

Um when I was in your shoes I once asked him to dominate me while we were having sex.

Just an idea....

Randomguy86 · Jul 7, 2011

Do you find it easier to ask during the act or when not engaged in sex like casual conversation?

Ceilidh · Jul 7, 2011

I found being in the moment helped me bring it up.

We haven't talked much about the lifestyle. But we are more comfortably open to talk about it if need be.

Like I know he wants me to get my nipples pierced. I have no intrest in having that pierced. So when I ran across this nipple jewelry that is non-piercing and goes around the nipple. The jewelry also keeps the nipple erect too. Anyways I think we may have found a compromise.

And my point is I didn't feel bashful about sending him the image of the model. The image was a close up picture of the jewelry on a model's nipple.

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