Newbie advice

justanother · Aug 8, 2009

Hi, im very new to BDSM and obviously this site and im looking for some general advice. So hopefully ive come to the right place?!

My situation is that i really enjoy the idea of being a dominant and ive had a bit of experience with general 'rough' sex, but ive never met up with anyone for the sole purpose of BDSM based sex and especially someone who's experienced with it all! So im just wondering, what sort of expectations is a submissive likely to have around the whole thing? How do first 'encounters' usually go?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Whether it be specific to my questions or just general advice for a novice.

Thanks in advance!

Sparrow69 · Aug 8, 2009

well you've certainly come to the right place.

I've said it time and time again, the best thing you can do is communicate with a potential sub. set your ground rules first, find out what is acceptable and what is not, from both you and them. make sure your honest and open about your desires, and don't be embarrassed to say or ask for anything, we're all here because we desire something that most of this world thinks we should be ashamed of, but in truth, they should be ashamed of not allowing themselves to live.

master jey · Aug 8, 2009

most of this world thinks we should be ashamed of, but in truth, they should be ashamed of not allowing themselves to live.

sparrow this was something genial

monocrome · Aug 9, 2009

Sparrow69 said:
well you've certainly come to the right place.

I've said it time and time again, the best thing you can do is communicate with a potential sub. set your ground rules first, find out what is acceptable and what is not, from both you and them. make sure your honest and open about your desires, and don't be embarrassed to say or ask for anything, we're all here because we desire something that most of this world thinks we should be ashamed of, but in truth, they should be ashamed of not allowing themselves to live.

what he said. but i will say i have had some REALLY poor experiences with meeting up with doms who basically talked for a few seconds then gave me their laundry list of what they expected of me as if i was not really a human being looking for a kindred spirit or to feel things out. lesson learned: some doms think that just because you're a submissive, you are going to submit to whatever for the sake of it. <-------- don't be this guy

and welcome.

J zero · Aug 9, 2009

yeah, monocrome brings up some very good points.

Subs and slaves are people too, and we are all just looking to find that special person to be happy with and share our own experiences

Santuary Freak · Aug 9, 2009

Sparrow69 said:
most of this world thinks we should be ashamed of, but in truth, they should be ashamed of not allowing themselves to live.

That makes my heart heavy and prostate weak.

monocrome · Aug 9, 2009

J zero said:
yeah, monocrome brings up some very good points.

Subs and slaves are people too, and we are all just looking to find that special person to be happy with and share our own experiences

or special people LOL

or just someone who is compatible and not going to be a life time partner

my point is, unless you know the other person is definitely ONLY there for desire fulfillment and doesn't want or have any interest in actually getting to know the person on the other side of the whip/crop/mind-control, don't treat them that way. maybe i'm a special case, but it is a serious turn off for someone to just assume that i'm going to be doing things with them. the arrogance alone is enough to make me get up and walk out.

while arrogance, in the right ways, is often a turn on for me, the pompousness of assumed bdsm activity (sexual or not) just b/c i've shown up to meet someone is absolutely abhorrent.

that said, though, i am not discouraging discussing desires - communication really IS the backbone of any good experience. just... timing and respect and good judgement while dealing with people are important too. (<---- just one girls opinion, based on crappy experiences).

justanother · Aug 13, 2009

Thanks for the advice and words of wisdom! keep it coming - Its greatly appreciated!

In terms of first meetings (with no intentions of building a relationship - just meeting for casual play) is there anything that is kind of expected by those who are experienced in this wonderful world of bdsm? Having open communication is great advice and i'll be sure to do that, but i there anything that might be expected, that they might not feel needs to be discussed explicitly? I know its a bit of a strange question, but im just worried about inadvertently doing something wrong or not doing something i should...

J zero · Aug 15, 2009

justanother said:
In terms of first meetings (with no intentions of building a relationship - just meeting for casual play) is there anything that is kind of expected by those who are experienced in this wonderful world of bdsm? Having open communication is great advice and i'll be sure to do that, but i there anything that might be expected, that they might not feel needs to be discussed explicitly? I know its a bit of a strange question, but im just worried about inadvertently doing something wrong or not doing something i should...

if there is, then i havent found out yet either lol

ive heard people mention forming "contracts" or "agreements" with a new D/s

but i think this is basically just an outline of what both parties want and dont want

some people like to have casual, part-time BDSM partners, or even just someone who is "compatible" like monocrome said, but me personally, i would much rather have that type of relationship with someone i actually cared about. How else could you form the trust necessary for these type of things?

....but thats just me.

monocrome · Aug 16, 2009

J zero said:
or even just someone who is "compatible" like monocrome said, but me personally, i would much rather have that type of relationship with someone i actually cared about. How else could you form the trust necessary for these type of things?

i meant emotionally compatible as well

i was just trying to get across that not everyone is searching for a fairytale romance partner and that "emotional closeness" and "trust" can be completely separate from that sort of thing. but that is just me as well.

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