Newbie advice

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by justanother, Aug 8, 2009.

  1. justanother

    justanother New Member

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    Hi, im very new to BDSM and obviously this site and im looking for some general advice. So hopefully ive come to the right place?!

    My situation is that i really enjoy the idea of being a dominant and ive had a bit of experience with general 'rough' sex, but ive never met up with anyone for the sole purpose of BDSM based sex and especially someone who's experienced with it all! So im just wondering, what sort of expectations is a submissive likely to have around the whole thing? How do first 'encounters' usually go?

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Whether it be specific to my questions or just general advice for a novice.

    Thanks in advance!
  2. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

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    well you've certainly come to the right place.

    I've said it time and time again, the best thing you can do is communicate with a potential sub. set your ground rules first, find out what is acceptable and what is not, from both you and them. make sure your honest and open about your desires, and don't be embarrassed to say or ask for anything, we're all here because we desire something that most of this world thinks we should be ashamed of, but in truth, they should be ashamed of not allowing themselves to live.
  3. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    sparrow this was something genial o_O
  4. monocrome

    monocrome Member

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    what he said. but i will say i have had some REALLY poor experiences with meeting up with doms who basically talked for a few seconds then gave me their laundry list of what they expected of me as if i was not really a human being looking for a kindred spirit or to feel things out. lesson learned: some doms think that just because you're a submissive, you are going to submit to whatever for the sake of it. <-------- don't be this guy :)

    and welcome. :)
  5. J zero

    J zero Member

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    yeah, monocrome brings up some very good points.

    Subs and slaves are people too, and we are all just looking to find that special person to be happy with and share our own experiences

  6. Click here for more.
    That makes my heart heavy and prostate weak. :eek:
  7. monocrome

    monocrome Member

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    or special people LOL ;)

    or just someone who is compatible and not going to be a life time partner

    my point is, unless you know the other person is definitely ONLY there for desire fulfillment and doesn't want or have any interest in actually getting to know the person on the other side of the whip/crop/mind-control, don't treat them that way. maybe i'm a special case, but it is a serious turn off for someone to just assume that i'm going to be doing things with them. the arrogance alone is enough to make me get up and walk out.

    while arrogance, in the right ways, is often a turn on for me, the pompousness of assumed bdsm activity (sexual or not) just b/c i've shown up to meet someone is absolutely abhorrent.

    that said, though, i am not discouraging discussing desires - communication really IS the backbone of any good experience. just... timing and respect and good judgement while dealing with people are important too. (<---- just one girls opinion, based on crappy experiences).
  8. justanother

    justanother New Member

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    Thanks for the advice and words of wisdom! keep it coming - Its greatly appreciated!

    In terms of first meetings (with no intentions of building a relationship - just meeting for casual play) is there anything that is kind of expected by those who are experienced in this wonderful world of bdsm? Having open communication is great advice and i'll be sure to do that, but i there anything that might be expected, that they might not feel needs to be discussed explicitly? I know its a bit of a strange question, but im just worried about inadvertently doing something wrong or not doing something i should...
  9. J zero

    J zero Member

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    if there is, then i havent found out yet either lol

    ive heard people mention forming "contracts" or "agreements" with a new D/s

    but i think this is basically just an outline of what both parties want and dont want

    some people like to have casual, part-time BDSM partners, or even just someone who is "compatible" like monocrome said, but me personally, i would much rather have that type of relationship with someone i actually cared about. How else could you form the trust necessary for these type of things?

    ....but thats just me.
  10. monocrome

    monocrome Member

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    i meant emotionally compatible as well :) i was just trying to get across that not everyone is searching for a fairytale romance partner and that "emotional closeness" and "trust" can be completely separate from that sort of thing. but that is just me as well.
  11. ReallyGreen

    ReallyGreen Member

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    Lets say you find a potential partner (Craigslist, Backpage, the bar...etc). With emails and such be sure to exchange pictures and get a general idea of what the other person wants (are they dom, sub or a switch? can they play weekends or only on tuesday nights? can they host, or do they have to drive to your house?).

    Once you're ready for RL interaction:

    1. Meet in a public venue for an interview, bars at lunch hour are usually good & quiet.

    2. The first public meeting is an interview, and should be treated as such. Make sure both parties know each other's history (have you done S&M before? have you ever seen a pro-domme? what sort of things haven't you done but want to try?).

    3. Assuming the person isn't incredibly creepy, then you can exchange contact information. (typically not your work cell phone).

    4. Go home and clean your house. I've had awesome sessions in a spotless single-wide and I've been to 5 bedroom McMansions which are so filthy they shouldn't have been capable of supporting human life. Rule of thumb: If you wouldn't want Better Homes and Gardens photographing your place you probably shouldn't host.

    "Hi, how are you? You look good. Can I take your coat? Let me give you a tour of the place. Do you smoke? Can I get you something to drink?"

    Start a first session with typical niceties, This person is a stranger in the house and you want to make them comfortable. Once everyone's settled-down and the facilities are used you can cover ground rules;

    *Discretion: Assume the other person is hiding their kink from a spouse. (Obviously many people are single.... but better safe than sorry) Don't call the other person unless you want to set something up. Only leave very vague phone messages, you never know if a relative, co-worker or violent boyfriend will check the phone. (Hi, this is Dave call me back at 555-5555). If you happen across each other in a store don't say Hi, just keep shopping.... you never know if anyone else is in the store that knows the other person. There is a time and place for socializing... its during a scene in private.

    *Structure: When does the D/s 'roleplaying' start, when does it end? (Typically if the sub is wearing a collar than the session is still going). What is the safeword to stop the play, or use the facilities. Of course I dislike the whole 'please stop it hurts' = 'More please' line of thinking, I'll take "Stop!....... OK, I'm good, had an itch" any day.

    *Limits: What you won't be doing together. Be sure to differentiate between 'shouldn't be brought up at all' and 'threatening roleplay that you won't really do' (I'm pretty sure every sub guy has been threatened with forced-bi before, even though you know another guy isn't going to join-in).

    *Safe Sex: Has your partner been tested? Can they show you the paperwork? Is it recent? Are they really on the pill? Basically, until its been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, assume your partner has herpes or worse. latex gloves, condoms, dental dams.... or just have the subs finish themselves off at the end of the session (Just like they were paying $200/hour in a NYC dungeon). Catching HIV will affect the number of partners you can attract in 5, 10, 15 years. Don't get stoopid with your life.

    *Activity chart: Now find all the BDSM activities you can possibly do and list them in a chart for each partner you have, with categories for; 'Haven't done it, but want to try', 'haven't done it and don't want to try', Don't enjoy, enjoy it, love it. Some activities can be put in a "not looking forward to it, but it makes a great punishment" such as CBT or enemas. Once you get some experience, don't be surprised if things get moved around on the chart... this is normal (Or the old saying: yesterday's limit is tomorrow's fetish).

    *S&M limits: Redness, bruising, purple and bleeding from your pores. How hard does the sub want to be hit? Most people have wildly different endurance levels for different body parts and sometimes different tools even.

    Once all that is covered you can finally get down to some playtime. What exactly you do is between the two of you, but this is a rundown of a pretty basic FemDom/malesub session.

    *Sub strips and is inspected ("hey, nice tattoo!")
    *Simple game designed to clear heads and get people in the mood (such as Simon Says, only you get hit with a riding crop when you mess up).
    *Some S&M. a good spanking or a paddling are always popular.
    *something humiliating (crossdressing, or strap-on play)
    *Oral sex performed by the sub (This is skipped with pro-dommes for safety reasons)
    *Sub mastrubates during fetish play (foot and ass worship are popular. So are golden showers).

    Thats a pretty generic scene. The kind of thing anybody with a hotel room and $200 can order in any major city in America. tailor to fit your kink.
  12. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    really green i cant read all of this... :D WTF?
  13. ReallyGreen

    ReallyGreen Member

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    Is my punctuation that bad? :)
  14. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    no dude i'm just too lazy 2 read XD
  15. subspace

    subspace Member

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    Really Green - thanks for taking the time to spell this all out. I am sure that all those new to the scene will appreciate your effort.

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