Building knowledge and experience.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by not so vanilla, Apr 10, 2013.

  1. not so vanilla

    not so vanilla New Member

    Hi, i posted on here a few times a while ago but will give a brief description of my situation so you know what im talking about!
    Basically ever since i can remember I've only ever had fantasies in which i feel intimidated nervous or humiliated. I remember being quite young and experimenting with clothes pegs etc!
    I suppose i just pushed it aside as i didn't really understand what it was all about and never told anyone. I've been with my husband for 17 years and been married for 8 yrs. I never told him until about this time last year when i read a certain book which everyone on here hates which i can now understand why! However it kind of made me understand what my fantasies were about and gave me the courage to accept it and share it with my husband.
    So, he was understanding and said we'd give it a go however we didn't really progress past a few spanking sessions and light bondage. Mainly because he doesn't like reading and seemed to have no interest in learning the ropes so to speak. We then had to put things on hold for a while because of health problems on my part.
    However recently the health stuff is improving and he seems interested in moving forward with it and im definitely up for it!
    We've agreed to have a reading night once a week, a play session once a fortnight and for him to research the things he wants to try also once a fortnight. I know it sounds regiment but with the kids and work etc time quickly passes by and we end up getting nowhere so we're hoping that planning it will work. Also we agreed he gets to demand sex whenever he wants it within our agreement.
    So, im unable to work at the moment so im killing boredom with reading proper BDSM type novels. I understand that my husband doesn't have the time i do and is out of the house 55hrs a week. However i really want to get across to him the little things that are important in being a dom but its difficult as i find it really hard to explain it to him. Its easier to explain the physical stuff but the things that really excite me and help me to get into a submissive frame of mind are the things like how the
    is confident in what he's doing and pushes the subs limits but knows when she's had enough and i love subtle things like intense stares and little things that make me feel that he's definitely in control. I told you im bad at explaining!!
    so i guess what im asking is is it possible to teach someone to be a dominant when you're a sub yourself? He's naturally quite a dominant person in some ways and can be controlling on some levels ( not in a creepy way just likes things done his way most of the time!) I don't think he would consider a mentor and i wouldn't have a clue where to find one anyway and i have body image issues and am quite shy so i could never see us going out into the local BDSM community. So how does he learn? Can it all be done through reading etc?
    i know the books im reading are giving me unrealistic expectations and im not a very patient person and just want things to progress but i really don't know where to go from here.
    Sorry for long post and thanks for reading.
     
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Yes, it is possible for doms to be trained to be dominant. Very few people are born knowing intuitively how to dom. So a couple thoughts.

    1) He's gonna have to do some reading. Maybe you can help him identify the most important things to read, but if he wants to learn to be A) safe and B) skilled, reading is the easiest option. Has he read the Newcomer's FAQ? It will help him with some basic ideas (and there are posts he can skip, like how to meet kinky partners).
    2) Do you and he watch any kinky porn together? If he doesn't enjoy reading, that might be a more fun option. You could select porn in which the dom is particularly good and then point out to him what you think the dom is doing right. If you two were gay, I'd suggest watching Bound Gods vids--they have several in which Van Darkholm is explicitly training novice doms and talking to them about how to handle subs. BG is part of Kink.com, which does more straight BDSM porn than gay, but I've never seen the straight material (it doesn't interest me for some reason...) so I don't know how good it is or if they do anything like that.
    3) Look around online for classes in BDSM skills and go to those. My local women's sex shop occasionally hosts short classes, and there are conferences devoted to such things.
    4) Find your local munch and look for a mentor there, someone who will talk with him and maybe agree to play with the two of you (if you're ok with that) for teaching purposes.
    5) One of the best ways to learn to dom is to sub. It is tremendously eye-opening to see what works from the other side of the crop. Again, if you two are willing to open your relationship a bit, find a domme who would be willing to teach him by domming him.
     
  3. Its interesting you say that Sebastian (hi btw) about learning how to be a Dom by being a sub. I actually suggested it to my friend (you know the one) but for me it brought up far too many issues not to mention I hated being maked and just standing there whilst he was fully dressed (I have body issues too) and of course we are not even in a relationship.

    I have also come to realise of late that I am not good at learning via reading. I am much more a visual/kinasthtic learner - I literally need to be shown how. In a ideal world I would watch a Domme with a sub who would literally just be showing me the type of things you can do - maybe if I explained our situation and what sort of things he enjoys etc and then she could show me how to include them.
     
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Maria: Hi! Have you tried watching some kinky porn and watching the sorts of things the dom does?
     
  5. HI Sebastian.No I havent ...and wouldnt know what to get.I suppose Femdom might be a good place to start lol
     
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Exactly. Get some femdomme porn online and watch it. See what turns you on.
     

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