We're both seeking fun and we're both seeking new experiences, that much I know. The experiences she is after are on different level those that I am after, but that's another story. And we like each other. A commitment though requires love. Love requires time. The levels of love that I am used to, they at least require time - face time -, to develop. Does her level of "like" and trust extend into something more than that? I don't know. I don't think so, but I don't know.
Hm...
Imagine for a second that you're deeply in love. You love everything about your partner, you even love all his flaws, and you know them all. You know him well enough you can predict most of his reactions to any one thing. And then you sit down with him and open and honestly talk about the future and you realize that after 8 years together you're futures are not compatible at all. You set a date on which to end the relationship. A rational choice that is talked over and planned by both sides. While both of you are working on your own respective futures you still live together, you still feel all that love, and you laugh at dumb jokes and you are touched when you see him choke up at a stupid movie you only watched to spent some time with him. At night sometimes you read to him until he falls asleep with a content smile on his face, telling you he loves you before he's out. You're happy, because you've mastered the ability to stay in the now. He hasn't, and to him there are days that feel like a long goodbye, that crush him, and you do your best to sooth his pain. It's for the best you tell him. And he agrees, but it still kills him, and seeing that, it kills you. Then the day comes when your ways part and you know that you will not see each other for a very long time. Maybe never again. And you kiss him goodbye, and you thank him, and you cry together, and it feels like you are reaching into your own chest ripping your heart out - but you know it's the right thing to do, so you do it.
That's where I'm coming from.
My emotions overwrote my reasoning when I was a teen. I grew past that. I suppose that's why I expect others to be able to do the same.
But you did make an excellent point there. She doesn't have that level of self control while with me. That would be the point of the entire exercise now, wouldn't it.
This is new territory for me. I don't know where it will lead, but she's still a person with the ability to use her god given senses and her experience to judge a situation. She still has to be responsible for her own emotional well being, and if she sees that playing with me would cause her harm, stop doing that. And if she doesn't, learn from falling on her ass.
Someone may get hurt. That's a possibility, but that's always a possibility where intimacy of any kind is involved and shouldn't be a reason not to enjoy yourself, to live a little in the now.
Really, I'm only worried about screwing this up somehow at this point. Having her arrive at my doorstep and just go blank. I already threw out my entire plan. Throughout this week I learned that planning the way I used to do it doesn't work when you can't predict exactly what your playpartner is going to do.
