Fail Fetlife/Daddy-Dom

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by kajmir, Jun 27, 2011.

  1. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    I had seen some of you mention Fetlife so I decide to go throw up an ad, hunt around and see what I could find reguarding information and such for a Daddy.

    As some of you saw I thought Daddy might be way for me to go. I still think it is, I did talk to a lot of people and at least have a decent insight that what I want isn't strange, unreasonable etc. It was infact, a pretty common varitation on how Daddies/little girls go.

    As some of you are sicK of hearing, I'm not good with the pain aspects. Pain for me is pain with the exception of some vaginal. And I find it's rare to find a Master who doesn't want at least the option of moderate pain for play/punishments. A low pain tolerance doesn't help, I mean 5 minutes with 1 nipple clamp will teach me LOTS, I swear.

    It was related to me more then once that the pain-side of Daddy/LG is more suited to me. From what I could gather, MOST Daddies didn't get a big thrill with floggings or hard pain. Things like long term butt plugs, Diapering for being a "baby about it" (not to say ofc all diaper is a punishment) taking away things I like....things I -CAN- handle..but that are effective enough to tease/bother me into submitting. I'm not a terrible difinate Sub to begin with...

    I took some of my own ideas, read a lot of theirs, both in reply and forums and came to a realization that some watersports would actually be fun, can't say I'll ever be into drinking but it certainly did expand my horizons a bit. Some of it simply never occured to me...kind of like when I first landed on Smplace.

    So now you've read all this, and are thinking, ok she learned, found some new kinks, she found what might work for her, WHAT is her problem?

    I went to fetlife with a strong intent to use the FAQ HERE, to help me sort threw the replies I got, which was no small amount. I went in with some basic, NOT optional views, a baseline, if you will:

    My Daddy should want to get to know me.
    My Daddy shouldn't be interested into rushing play.
    My Daddy should have intelligent questions about my limits and kinks.
    My Daddy SHOULDN'T be jumping in trying to "Daddy me" on brief aquaintance.
    And that I SHOULD be doing the same on my end!

    What I got USING these views was:

    "You're far too domineeering for a Little One OR submisive"
    "whatever you have been taught by anyone there is only 1 rule
    forget what everyone else says as the Dom establishes the relationship with the sub not others opinions from the past"

    Establish a relationship? After 10 mails most LESS then 4 setences long? And I'm the crazy agressive one?

    "you have something specific to the extent of it being over reaching"
    "If you'd relax we could have some fun, I'm sure"

    Fun? If I wanted a quickie masterbation session, I certainly DON'T need a Daddy or Master.

    "I tried to avoid what I perceived as a landmine and sure enough you exploded anyways. heres the reality, loud mouths too far away can comment on anything and fantasy can prevail however local engagements are the real test"

    He starts off fine, I dig a bit asking a few common questions to see if we have anything in common, his kinks? Music tastes? He avoids answering. He comes back with he's masterbated to imaging me swallowing by next weekend (he IS local and SERIOUS, I asked!) and rather then asking him about music I should be asking him to "fuck me bareback"

    Am I wrong? Crazy to use the baseline mentioned above?

    Many of them took my questions as some "cop interragation" <--that phrase was actually thrown at me.

    I thought I was showing common sense, I THOUGHT I was taking it seriously enough to show I am not playing games. Smplace has done a great deal of "raising me" reguarding saftey, avoiding posers who could harm me, life style, variations and essence I thought I was DOING what I was "raised" to do?

    With that said, it WASN'T every guy, BUT it WAS enough guys to make me wonder if I'm nuts or they are? I had about 25 replies, about 6 of them said this to me.

    I definately HAVE kinks, I DEFINATELY have a will to submit BUT not with some dude I have little knowedge of, who wont SHARE or ask direct questions showing some interest and intelligents. And I'm not into HARD pain or shame!

    Does this make me UNsub, POOR Lg material? Do I really have to be "hardcore" (no offence) to fit in?

    So fustrated and upset.
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  2. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    And please, don't misunderstand me, I didn't think I'd find the perfect daddy in a week, but I ASSUMED with 25 responses I'd have a hope..

    A few were to old/unattractive, I'm NOT shallow, but I need a little something.
    About 6 of them, well read above.
    A few I just...we had SO little in common...

    The ONE guy who showed a LOT of great positives, won't have me as a l/d..
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Meeting people online takes time. As the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before your dom gives you permission to stop.
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  4. kajmir

    kajmir Member


    But seriously, was I wrong to know what I want? Was I wrong to have opinions and some ground rules? It's how the made me feel.

    Is this what you guys mean by posers?
    I realize I am a bit picky but if it's a strain to get a convo out of them or painfully boring to try and hold a convo with them doesn't it just make sense to gacefully say "I'm not sure I would really work for you"

    It's not like I got nasty...

    -kinda praying for some reassurance-
  5. lonelyMaster

    lonelyMaster New Member

    kajmir, this is the INTERNET. If you don't expect to "meet" far more wackos than respectful/reasonable people then your general expectations may be off. It almost doesn't matter whether you are on a bdsm site or a gardening site. Your outrage is more shocking than the behavior you encountered in the first place... (imo)
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  6. Scarlet

    Scarlet New Member

    it's not that they're weirdos, it seems it's that they're selfish.

    All I see is that you first wanted to get to know the Dom and see exactly how compatible you are before you established a relationship.

    Yeah, they sucked and I would be just as upset.

    It reminds me of when I first went looking for a Dom. There were a few who just wanted naked photos, but I managed to meet some who first got to know me and my life and stuff like that.

    So yes, I'd say these people might just be after photos/sex. =/
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Kaj, you absolutely have the right to know what you want and hold out for that. Remember that subs get to set whatever conditions they want as a precondition for submitting. Your conditions seem reasonable to me.

    Just remember that the more specific you are, the harder it will be to find someone who fits what you want. I have a friend who for more than a decade held out for (and I'm really not joking here) a 6 ft tall, red-headed Asian kickboxer with an advanced degree. I used to joke that his woman was out there, and unfortunately she was living on the other side of the planet. As he got a little older and more realistic, he started realizing that he was being unrealistic and started considering some of those qualities options. But eventually he met a Thai woman with an advanced degree who was also interested in martial arts, and today they're trying to get her a VISA so they can get married. So his 15 years of holding out actually paid off.
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  8. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    I've told you before and will again, please disreguard any of my comments. I find you unpleasant and arrogant.


    You understand, thank you. I just needed some assurance and to vent. I've never actually LOOKED for a Master/Daddy before. Usually they just sorta showed up. heh

    I try not to be picky in some aspects, I just consider it more of a "I know my limits" and sadly I have more then I'd like. Looks aren't terrible important, just a little pleasing is fine with me. I need a Daddy or Master who isn't into micro-mananging me and don't wanna beat the tar out of me! No offence!! And thanks to all who replied, I was starting to think i was crazy when my ad's and profile made my conditons so obvious.

    I practically stole a portion of FAQ, I was maybe an ass, but I assumed no one would mind when I'm only trying to keep myself safe and such...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2011
  9. Kor

    Kor Member

    Not at all.

    You're still limited in how wide you can cast your net, and for how long.

    I'd give it at least a couple of months before giving up, though.
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  10. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    Thank you Kor.

    I feel better, thanks all.

    Guess it was just a bad week.
  11. chaoticist

    chaoticist New Member

    This looks like a problem of unrealistic expectations. There's absolutely nothing wrong about what you put on the ad, or with having requirements. But you are thinking unrealistically if you expect people to be polite, nice, and respectful online (or even in real life). Just go in expecting people to be annoying, controlling, demanding, self-centered assholes, then you can concentrate on chuckling to yourself at their silly messages, and ditch them quickly with a laugh until you get to the rare reply that merits attention. Try to develop a thicker skin, lower expectations, and keep a sense of humour about things, and you'll find you get less bothered by it.
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  12. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    I agree that online you have to expect the worse from people and to have to sort through a lot of junk to get to what you really want but I also think that if you keep at it, you will get there in the end.

    I also agree that you have to try not to get too upset or bothered by what people write. I think because it's not rl people can become assholes because you're not there to bitch slap them lol
  13. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I agree with everyone. Don't lower your standards on the Dom you'll accept, but expect a lot of people who are jerks, idiots, trolls and so on getting at you. Just laugh it off and keep looking. And post the more terrible/funny ones here.
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  14. ickle_cat

    ickle_cat New Member

    i think that while there is nothing wrong with what you think or want you may have just phrased it in a slightly aggressive way.

    "My Daddy should want to get to know me.
    My Daddy shouldn't be interested into rushing play.
    My Daddy should have intelligent questions about my limits and kinks.
    My Daddy SHOULDN'T be jumping in trying to "Daddy me" on brief aquaintance.
    And that I SHOULD be doing the same on my end!"

    perhaps something less agressive and more appealing to the right kind of Dom would be to say "I'm interested in finding a Daddy who I can trust and play with. I'm new to the scene and a little nervous about meeting people online, so I'd really like to get to know you before we do any play. I've got some hard and soft limits and I have an idea about what my kinks are but by talking about them I'll be able to tell you more to avoid any unpleasant play and maybe you'll suggest some new things for me to try that I haven't thought of!"

    not saying that you have to use that word for word but by being more gentle and perhaps exposing a more vulnerable side to yourself it'll appeal more to someone who will want to Daddy you. I'm only guessing about the relationship from the name that at least part of the way you relate will be him caring for you, so if you come across as someone who needs that then you're less likely to seem bratty, which is what some people might have interpreted from the way you presented your requirements as more of a demand than a request.

    just my thoughts ont he subject, hope you find what you're looking for!
  15. gothicjedi666

    gothicjedi666 Member

    My Daddy should want to get to know me.
    My Daddy shouldn't be interested into rushing play.
    My Daddy should have intelligent questions about my limits and kinks.
    My Daddy SHOULDN'T be jumping in trying to "Daddy me" on brief aquaintance.
    And that I SHOULD be doing the same on my end!

    These seems fair to me I would of agreed to them.

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