Confused Sub Looking for Reassurance

Sir's pretty pet

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Topping from the bottom: Sir had me research that once before after a night I spent with Ma'am. I told him she switched on me and I played Domme, but he was skeptical. He never confirmed that he believed she was topping from the bottom because he wanted me to draw my own conclusions, but he never agreed that I was in charge of our scene either. I don't think he thinks I have a dominant bone in my body, lol.

*SIGH/HEAVE/HUM-HAH*

I guess there is the possibility that Ma'am is doing exactly that. That makes me look at everything we said and/or did the other night in a new light. I'm just getting really caught on the fact that she wanted me to tell her when to come. Can that be seen as her telling me what to tell her and thus confirming the topping from the bottom scenario? Or does it discount it?
 
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sebastian

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I think it could be read either way. The only one who knows what was really going on is Ma'am, and the only way to find out is to talk with her openly and directly about what she was doing.

Most doms have a little bit of sub in them; I sure do. There are times when I just want to not be the one in charge. But I've never had someone dom me the way I wanted them to. I always keep wishing they'd be a little rougher, call me names more aggressively, or whatever. So I want to tell them how to give me what I want, which sort of defeats the purpose for me, so I just don't do it very much. That's topping from the bottom.

Other doms are actually subs who haven't figured out what they want. They know they want to do power exchange, but for one reason or another it hasn't occurred to them that they want to be on the receiving end, rather than the giving end. I used to fantasize about cops all the time, usually being on the receiving end of their aggression. Then, right after I discovered my interest in BDSM, my mentor put me in a cop uniform and I suddenly thought "Wait--I get to BE the cop in my fantasy? Holy fuck!" And from that moment on, I was all about being the aggressor. Accepting one's submissive desires can be very difficult, especially for men and women who've always thought of themselves as strong, in-charge types. It can take a long time to realize that you can be strong and in-charge in your public life and totally submissive in private.

And then there are switches, people who have a good dose of both dominant and submissive in them. Some of them just naturally move back and forth across that line, while others start out strongly attracted to one role and then gradually realize that the other side attracts them as well. Some of them can be entirely dominant with one person and entirely submissive with another, while others tend toward one role but occasionally play the other if that's what their partner requires or when the mood strikes them. And subbing occasionally can be good training for a dom, as well as a nice change of pace or stress relief.

So I can't tell you if Ma'am is topping from the bottom, switching, or discovering that she's really a sub. Only she can tell you that, and she might need your help to figure it out.
 
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Sir's pretty pet

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@Sebastian

Thanks for the topping from the bottom clarification. I guess it's more of a continuum than a black and white case.

I can see that you are right about Ma'am being the only one who can decide what she wants/is, and my speculating isn't going to get me anywhere. I'm just afraid of disappointing her, so I thought maybe if I could figure her out before she does, then there will be no room for her to be disappointed and she will be so happy that I solved it all before she even knew it was an issue.

I'm going to have Sir read all of this over before I talk to her, and see if he agrees with my perceptions. Maybe he can help me with her, too.
 
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sebastian

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I can't stress enough how important basic communication is to a successful BDSM relationship. All relationships need it, but because BDSM has a complex relationship between what is said and what is meant, the first strategy for virtually every issue is to sit down and talk.

I'm not sure what firomon is talking about either. My guess is he's just blathering to get up to 10 posts, which will let him post in some of the forums.
 
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