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Sluttysub, I too have recently done some in depth thinking. Thinking about things in your past and present and analyzing them and "connecting the dots" throughout your entire life...It can be quite the eye-opener.
I have been thinking long and hard how to word my post...But I just don't know how to word it because my submissiveness is "wired" into every aspect of my life. I'm not saying I'm some doormatt and I let everyone walk over me. Just most. But like everybody you have your fill and let them know when enough is enough.
Now, why is submissive in every aspect of my life? I'm not sure. It could be I was raised to be "seen and not heard" -- which could be why I'm so naturally silent and observant. Also as I was growing up, I never got into trouble -- I was never punished or dissapointed my family. Perhaps since I didn't experience that growing up could be why I want to be spanked..? And could also be why I'm a bit of a martyr for pain now..example, I currently have had a headache for the last 48 hours, and haven't taken any medications...
It could also be partly because of my "daddy issues" -- Yes. I have "daddy issues" and I don't need a therapist to tell me so. I'll spare everyone these details, but I will say that I have related my "daddy issues" to my need of being wanted by others...Like I will go out of my way and then some, to please and do as my friends ask..Sometimes when they don't even ask just so I could feel wanted or needed by them. So, maybe that has something to do with my submissiveness...
Fantasies. The fantasies I had when I was very young, mostly revolved around being tied up and kidnapped.....when I started "self love" I would always feel guilty afterwards....
Porn. The porn I always looked at were females, for a couple of reasons -- 1) I could imagine myself in their place and 2) the photos of the men just didn't seem realistic to me...I mean come on. If you were to have 10 random guys walk into a room and drop their pants, how many would really be that big?? My boyfriend at the time was so small it was riddiclous.
And even before I discovered my Submissiveness. I was always wanting to be tied down during sex and blindfolded...
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