New to BDSM

sebastian · Mar 27, 2010

Terrible, I think it's important to realize that for some people, being tied up is genuinely distressing. For example, I like mild bondage, where there's some room to move and a sense that I might be able to get out eventually. If the bondage gets too tight, I start to become physically uncomfortable. But even more, I start to worry about how I will get out if something happens to the guy who's tying me up (like if he has a heart attack and dies--irrational, I know, but it immediately occurs to me). Once I start worrying about that, the only way I can manage the anxiety is to get extremely analytical. That suppresses my anxiety, but it also keeps me from enjoying the experience sexually. This is why I'm a dom and not a sub (that, and the fact that I kept trying to tell the guy who's tied me up what I want him to do next).

So what a sub perceives as so pleasurable that everyone would enjoy it if they just let themselves, a non-sub can experience as frightening, upsetting, or just uncomfortable. Trust me--I have a hard time understanding why every man doesn't have sex with other men.

Hopehavoc · Mar 27, 2010

sebastian said:
But even more, I start to worry about how I will get out if something happens to the guy who's tying me up (like if he has a heart attack and dies--irrational, I know, but it immediately occurs to me)..

Oh, Sebastian, that's not irrational. It just means you read Gerald's Game one too many times. Jk.

sebastian · Mar 27, 2010

Actually, I've never read Gerald's Game. But I remember being impressed by the idea of the novel when it came out. But yeah--my mind goes very quickly to the things that can go wrong in a situation.

Hopehavoc · Mar 27, 2010

I would recommend that anyone who enjoys tying up or being tied up read that book just as a precaution to always have some sort of safety release mechanism. Even if it's a knife somewhere within reach...I'm paranoid about that kind of thing as well.

TerribleT · Mar 27, 2010

sebastian said:
Terrible, I think it's important to realize that for some people, being tied up is genuinely distressing. For example, I like mild bondage, where there's some room to move and a sense that I might be able to get out eventually. If the bondage gets too tight, I start to become physically uncomfortable. But even more, I start to worry about how I will get out if something happens to the guy who's tying me up (like if he has a heart attack and dies--irrational, I know, but it immediately occurs to me). Once I start worrying about that, the only way I can manage the anxiety is to get extremely analytical. That suppresses my anxiety, but it also keeps me from enjoying the experience sexually. This is why I'm a dom and not a sub (that, and the fact that I kept trying to tell the guy who's tied me up what I want him to do next).

So what a sub perceives as so pleasurable that everyone would enjoy it if they just let themselves, a non-sub can experience as frightening, upsetting, or just uncomfortable. Trust me--I have a hard time understanding why every man doesn't have sex with other men.

You're right. I forget not every one is like me. What I notice though, is that people in general are pretty open about sex....until you start talking about BDSM. I'd suspect many or even most vanilla couples have experimented (or will at some point) with mild bondage. I read somewhere that the best seller at the knick-knack shops at Niagara Falls is fuzzy handcuffs. But talking about dom/sub relationships or S&M is taboo.

Is it that big a leap? I mean, common sense says you dabble first right?

What Worked for me was being honest. "I like this" (something specific....not lots of details, or a generalization). She tried it....for me. I could tell she liked it so I asked for a little more. Id say to the OP, you could feel it out this way. Like Sebastian suggested about the scarf. That's pretty benign. Your boyfriend sees that stuff in the movies all the time.....perfectly normal!

Good luck

sebastian · Mar 27, 2010

Hopehavoc said:
I would recommend that anyone who enjoys tying up or being tied up read that book just as a precaution to always have some sort of safety release mechanism. Even if it's a knife somewhere within reach...I'm paranoid about that kind of thing as well.

Absolutely! When doing bondage, ALWAYS have a pair of EMT shears or the equivalent at hand. Sometimes a person needs to get out immediately, either for physical or psychological reasons, and undoing half an hour's worth of ropework can take a good deal of time. Better to have to replace some ropes or straps that you had to cut through than to do some sort of lasting harm to the bottom. I like using leather wrist and ankle restraints and then tying those off, because in an emergency, you can undo the restraints pretty quickly.

Terrible: I agree that most people are uncomfortable seriously considering d/s play. To some extent it's because they don't understand what d/s play actually involves. From the outside, d/s play looks pretty cruel, and the media tends to perpetuate that notion when it deals with it (although there was an episode of House that opened with a couple playing out a rape fantasy that did it in a fairly understanding way). But it's also hard to accept the notion that hurting someone can be pleasing to them. I'm a dom, and I still have trouble with the idea that subs actually want to be used and want me to prioritize my desires. So I understand how someone who's not a dom would really have difficulty making sense of the d/s paradox.

Tumbl3 · Mar 27, 2010

sebastian said:
Terrible: I agree that most people are uncomfortable seriously considering d/s play. To some extent it's because they don't understand what d/s play actually involves. From the outside, d/s play looks pretty cruel, and the media tends to perpetuate that notion when it deals with it (although there was an episode of House that opened with a couple playing out a rape fantasy that did it in a fairly understanding way). But it's also hard to accept the notion that hurting someone can be pleasing to them. I'm a dom, and I still have trouble with the idea that subs actually want to be used and want me to prioritize my desires. So I understand how someone who's not a dom would really have difficulty making sense of the d/s paradox.

Media reference: Bruno. I don't know if anyone has seen that, but it has a very extreme domme in one scene and, well, it's just ridiculous. She barking orders at him, whipping him with a belt, "Get on your knees and suck my spike."....yeah.

And I feel the same way. As I'm still new to being a dom, I'm still having trouble with being less forgiving with my sub. I remember before I figured out I was a dom that bdsm/d/s was weird, and those people were freaks (a word I detest now, btw). Now, I wouldn't change myself for the world. Idk, I just wish the media would portray bsdm and d/s as it really is.

TerribleT · Mar 27, 2010

Lololol!!!! Michelle Mclaren!! Lolol!! She's not coming anywhere near me!

Seriously though you're right. It's watching people like her that scares the shit out of everyone. I mean DAM!

She's a pro and does these gigs for pay.
The wilder she is, the more she's sought out. More gigs....more pay....
These are the ones that "Bitchy Jones" bitched about.

OP, don't let your boyfriend see Bruno! "I'm gonna become UBER straight!!!" Lolol!!!

Tumbl3 · Mar 28, 2010

Yeah, it's more entertaining when it's all wild and scary and crap :\

XD Yes, OP, do not let your boyfriend watch Bruno.

sillylittlepet · Mar 28, 2010

Arie I can totally relate to you! (same age and all)
I really didn't want to be vanilla either, my ex was totally vanilla and there was something a little lacking in our sex department...
I dropped my boyfriend really little hints about what I wanted from him early on in our relationship. Just small things like wanted to be spanked and groped and while we were together I asked him to be a little rougher and each time re-assured him that I could handle a little more than he was giving me. I've been super lucky, my master was interested in dominating me when I first mentioned that I wanted to be submissive and we've been working our way into the lifestyle ever since.
We started off really slow, nothing more than rough sex and its progressed since then! So, my advice would be to let your boyfriend easy into it. Sebastian gave some really good ideas. Maybe ask him to talk dirtier to you or bite some sensitive places! I dont really know what you like, but I think you know what I'm talking about.
BDSM doesnt have to be scary! You just need to make it seem really freakin fun (which it is! You're not a liar!)

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