confused, please help.

sebastian · Sep 8, 2010

ani said:
We would discuss about it and he said I should be able to live without expectations. He labelled this as psychological training....

No. It's not psychological training. It's bullshit from a man who doesn't understand what being a sub involves. He has a fantasy of having a sub who only exists when he wants to use the sub. That's completely unrealistic for the vast majority of subs, you included. Either this guy has no real experience maintaining a relationship with a sub or he's had a long string of failed relationships.

Ani, you're a sub. You like the feeling of someone else having real control over you. That's why you're finding it hard to break up with this guy. You're certainly not the first sub to have this problem. Asserting control over your life is difficult for a sub like you, but at this point, I honestly think that's what you need to do.

This guy is not the only dom out there. You're in London, home to one of the largest fetish communities on the planet. I'm aware of a very large and vibrant gay fetish scene, and the straight fetish scene has got to be at least 10x the size of the gay one. I know there are straight kink clubs in London--I've seen ads for them--and I am sure there are social groups, munches, training classes, and other social activities for doms and subs there. You just need to go looking for them. Do a google search for "sm London" or "London munch" or other sm terms. Find a woman's sex supply shop and look at the local bulletin board; talk to the staff there. Look for a fetish club and find out what the dress code is, and then go there and look around. Cruise dating sites looking for ads with sm keywords in them. If you look around enough, you will find other doms, and even if they won't take you on, they will help you make contacts in the community. You'll meet other subs who will give you support and advice, and you'll meet a dom who will help provide emotional reinforcement for leaving this guy. But you've got to do this for yourself. We here on SMplace will gladly provide encouragement, but we can't do the work for you. You can totally do this. You had the brains and the strength of will to find us; there's no reason you can't find people in London as well.

ani · Sep 8, 2010

Thank you for you reply Sebestian.
That man said that he has been a sub before....

ah.... maybe i really should step out and explore a little more outside him

L8NightQ · Sep 8, 2010

ani -
Your situation is not unique, in either world (vanilla or kinky). As a matter of fact, your situation is one of the key items that make me keep coming back to this forum again and again.

The internet has made a spike in the population of "player Doms", "wannabee Doms", and "predator Doms". Your guy seems to fall into the category of two.... player and wannabee.

There is an old saying here that I think would apply..... "If there's any doubt, there's no doubt at all". Take Tumbl3's advice very seriously.

A real Dom is about his sub, not about sex (sex is easy), and he would have had a real discussion to find out if you guys click. We all get off on certain things. Let's say you like to be tortured with piercing or cutting, or maybe you like water sports and scat. You're still a sub, just not one for me. More importantly, a real Dom is concerned about what's in your head. He would ask about what you've fantasized about, what you're afraid of. He would talk to you about hard limits and try to understand what you don't like as much as what you do.

Seb mentioned that an experienced Dom would not collar you in early stages as this amounts to marriage status. This is true, and the way your Dom mentions how you have to earn your collar and that he owns you are key indicators that you have a player that knows some of the terms but not necessarily where they fit in a true Dom/sub relationship. There's no way he would have bought you "that kind" of collar.
He may use a training collar on you but that collar would be worn every time you guys have your sessions together..... And if he gives a shit, it won't be a colllar he's used on anyone else

The coming and going has more to do with his dick than your training. He comes when he's horny, time for a session. I will tell you this. You are not the only woman in his life. His frequency with you has more to do with what, or who, else he has on his schedule.

You haven't mentioned what you've learned from him, other than what you've described as his treatment of you. With a real Dom, each time you see him you will know something new, about him, and about yourself, and..... You'll feel good about it.

This can all be summed up pretty simply. You need to ask yourself a question.

Do I feel better, or worse, for having been with him each time? Do I feel better, or worse, for having this relationship.... on an ongoing basis? Moving forward of backward? Enlightened, or confused?

Better.... or worse?

Listen to your gut. It's trying to tell you something.

You've been a sub for a long time, just aching for someone to bring it out in you.... to give you what you need without judging you, or saying you're crazy. Now you've found someone to give you "some" of what you need.

Please don't drop your standards just to get "some" of what you need. Go to the munches. Look for events that are friendly to kinky folks. Take some adventurous girlfriends with you, or go yourself, but be aware of the players, wannabees, and predators. They are out in force looking for you. The real Doms are usually more suttle. Put this guy in your "Lessons Learned" box and put him and the box on a shelf.

Watch for ads that have funny, kinky keywords of terms (like SSC) or that sound a little kinky (dark side). Watch for those that say they like the day and love the night... stuff like that.

Lastly, don't let anyone tie you up in the first session. Please wait to get to know them before you put your freedom and your life in their hands. There are many subs out there with stories of "Predator Doms"....... Don't be one of them.

Hope this helps.

Welcome. And don't let this be your only string.

ani · Sep 9, 2010

Thank you L8night...

Interestingly, we have talked about my hard limits when we first began months ago... but over time, he said he's owned me and he'll deem what he thinks is appropriate while respecting, considering my mental and physical well being.

he mentioned he is trying to break me down - mentally first... break down all the norms that society has taught us about what is right and wrong.
Indeed in the beginning he has opened my mind.
He has made me realised the submissive side of me
He has made me aware of my body
He has made me realised that i can be strong emotionally if i want to (but currently, i am tired of the positive talks i have to myself - "i will learn to be happy regardless of how he treats me"...
for the past 2 months i reached a stage where i could still move on happily for the next few days - week after having a session with me and he just "disappeared"
Recently, i couldn't any more... lots doubts well up, i start to think whether he has been telling me the truth, whether he's been serious....

he always said that he's serious, i am his only sexual partner, he's showed me a few of his std tests which are negative.

Yet, i still don't know if i can trust him. We met up again, had a brief session and he told me never to doubt him again. Before that we talked, I asked why the disappearance, he said he was extremely busy and was caught up with his family (parents and siblings)... i still can't find the strength to ignore him

I've requested to speak to him over the weekend, he said he would but I haven't heard from him since, neither could i get through to him........

u asked if i feel better or worse after being with him..
initially it was better, now... worse, everytime after we had a session, i feel worse mainly because of his disappearance.
I felt i've been used despite his continuous assurance that he has no sexual intention.

I don't know anymore

ani · Sep 9, 2010

i guess i should mention that i have been tied up by him before and tied up with a rope around my neck and he has choked me before...
I should say that i've never been hurt physically, in fact i think he does take care of me physically.

sebastian · Sep 9, 2010

Let's stop asking if this guy is a good dom. We don't know him directly; all we have is Ani's perceptions of him, and she's said she's confused about him. I think the better question is "is this guy a good dom for Ani?" and I think the answer that is emerging clearly is 'no'. A dom needs to be able to elicit trust and confidence in his subs, and for whatever reason, Ani doesn't trust him. She's not sure why he keeps disappearing. She feels like she's not getting straight answers to her questions and concerns. She feels bad when he's not around. For whatever reason, his style of dominance isn't right for her. She needs a dom who is more emotionally available for her.

Tumbl3 · Sep 9, 2010

Yeah, I agree. Also, the fact that he just showed you some std tests that were negative...how the hell does that prove that he doesn't have another sexual partner? It doesn't prove anything, just that he's std free.
I still think this guy is bad news, Ani, and I think you should try to find another relationship. This one doesn't seem healthy in the slightest.

sillylittlepet · Sep 9, 2010

-do do do doo!- Here comes the submissive advice cavalry!

In all seriousness, I would hate to have a dom like this.
Its been brought up time and time again (because its true) that communication is one of the most important things in a BDSM relationship. When he disappears and cuts off contact with you, he's cutting off communication. How can your relationship be expected to grow and mature if you cant even talk to each other?

Unless you specifically signed up to have a dom who treats you like this, your "dom" is failing to meet one of the most basic aspects of this lifestyle.

I'm with tumbl3, as cool as this guy might seem in the bedroom, he seems to be pretty lousy in the emotional department

ani · Sep 11, 2010

Thank you all for all the encouragement and advices...

i was suppose to meet him over the weekend to talk. Before that, i sent him a mesg to tell him how i felt about him coming and going as he pleases, how he never really kept his words, how i felt lesser and worse about myself everytime after seeing him. Told him how an initally deep and fufilling r/s erodes to superficial one because of his "inactions". Asked if we could talk about this earlier...

He replied that after considering much, he decided to humbly release me. Saying that it's opposite of how he wanted me to feel and his continuous invovlement would be destructive and hurtful to me. How he's learnt that he has not and could not provide for what i deserve. said he'll remember me and a goodbye to me and that i will not hear from him again....

i was sad, very very sad...

i wanted to communicate, he wanted to end.

i guess i'll just treat this as a lesson.
honestly, i still have feelings for him... rather strong.
i am not sure if i'll still keep in touch with him if he decides to go back on his words to contact me.

I don't know how to approach new dom anymore...
he sounded so genuine and sincere initially......

i guess i'll just wait for a while before i start again...
what do you all think...?

he's still on my mind..... if only i can erase my memory like emptying the recycle bin.................

Izrail · Sep 11, 2010

I am in no way an authority here, nor does my advice hold too much weight but I will have to agree with a lot of points that l8night has made. In my personal experience you definitely should walk away from a session with added knowledge and satisfaction(or lack of satisfaction depending on the lesson). But at the very least having learned something about yourself or your Dom.

The best example I can give is from personal experience, the second encounter with my Dom was two weeks from the first, during which I was not allowed to masturbate and had to hand over my toys to him until he visited next. The session that followed was about getting him off, and learning how to please him through oral, after that I retained knowledge of what to do and regained the right to my toys.

I think sessions should either be a learning experience or leave the sub satisfied. I know that my Dom puts a lot of thought into sessions and plans them out to have a purpose most of the time. Few of them end in intercourse(The cooldown time after the session has however).

Communication between yourself and the Dom is also a big thing. If you are uncomfortable with what they are doing while you are with them then you need to speak up and tell them what you would like before a session. This is not to be confused with "pushing" the comfort level, which a Dom who knows your tolerance well might do(But it sounds like this one does not). Being submissive doesn't mean just being treated ill for no purpose, and being a Dom does not give one a right to be a dick and ignore the sub's wishes.

It might be a good idea to establish a safe word, and discontinue any activity that makes you unreasonably uncomfortable. Lastly, keep in mind a Dom/sub relationship will not always resemble a Boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Dom's are not required to call you each day and ask how it's going. It's part of the game. If you two have not talked about exclusivity and safe sex (if you both enjoy multiple partners) I strongly suggest you do so. My Dom and myself have an agreement that he uses protection with anyone else he beds and we both get tested regularly.

Edit: Late to the charge. Ani, just take what you have learned from this and apply it. Many people have said it in this thread and I support it as well, Communication is very VERY important when looking for a new Dom. Be open, honest, and forward.

confused, please help.

sebastian

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ani

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L8NightQ

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ani

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ani

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sebastian

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Tumbl3

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sillylittlepet

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ani

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Izrail

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