Please help this slave

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by MadDogsBunny, Jun 20, 2012.

  1. MadDogsBunny

    MadDogsBunny New Member

    Dear Masters, Mistresses, slaves, and others,

    Someone please help me. My master is not acting like my master at all. I came into this relationship three years ago hoping someone would finally control me, take over my mind, and give me a place to explore every one of my fantasies and teach me things I have never even imagined. But every since we moved in together two years ago, the relationship is so vanilla! I am so emotionally and sexually frustrated. He used to call me and make me masturbate where ever I was at that moment. He used to e-mail me with orders for the day. He used to make me kneel in one spot while he got ready. But now he won't even order me to make his dinner. I try to misbehave in hopes for a spanking, but he just gets mad at me and walks away in a huff. And when we are happy together, he just asks for cuddles and kisses when I want spanks and whippings. He still makes me call him master, but he is not acting tough and powerful like he used to. I am a virgin slave and he wants to wait until after marriage to have sex. He thinks it will be better for me, emotionally. I want to have sex with him! We have done everything else!

    I want him to tie me up and do things to me. I want him to take control while he blindfolds and gags me and tells me how he will torture me! But in the three years we have been together, he only tied me up three times!!!! The rope, cuffs, collars, vibrators, plugs, and nipple clamps sit in a chest in the back of the closet. He bought those for me at the beginning of our relationship and we have barely used them. I need discipline! I crave spankings! I know he is capable of doing these things because he told me he has done them with other slaves. I think he loved me too much. He tells me he didn't care about the other slaves and he does want to hurt me. The problem is i want to be hurt!! I have told him all of this several times, but i don't think he listens.

    He loves me and I love him. He wants to marry me and already calls me his slave wife. But i don't know how much longer I can stay in this relationship is there is no bondage involved at all. I moved 10 hours away from home in hopes to start a 24 hour SM relationship with this man, something I've wanted since I was 16. I am now 22 and I thought my dreams were coming true. But this just feels like any normal dying relationship. Help me!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 21, 2012
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  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    To start off, have you told all this to him? I know it's frustrating for you, but if he likes being a dom and loves you so much, he probably would be happy to accomodate. You have to sit down and have a talk as equals, and find out where he stands on this, what he thinks, and so on.

    If you haven't been pressing it, he might not realize how important the dynamic is to you. If you have, how has he responded to your asking?

    Although either way you need to ask him, and talk to him openly, perhaps you should kneel at his feet when he's eating or something, or not sit until invited, and so on, and make sure he has control sexually outside of bondage- all to help him remember the role and how to be in it with you.
  3. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Maybe to him it was more a sex thing, with no emotions involved he could play the heavy Dom role but now that he has strong enough feelings to want to marry you, he cares about you too much to want to do all those things to you anymore. Also, I think long term control can be draining on some Doms especially if that isn't what they really want and I have heard of a lot of kinky relationships that turn more towards vanilla after awhile. I think it's natural to have an ebb and flow to this kind of thing but you have to talk to him about how you're feeling and make sure he is listening, REALLY listening to what you have to say.

    As for sex, this is another thing you need to be clear on. If you want to have full penetrative sex then you need to say so. I could never imagine getting married before having sex with someone, it is such an important part of a relationship and I don't think you can know how compatiable you are sexually until you do. Yes, you may have done everything but sex, but there is a big difference in my opinion.

    If he loves you, like Smallest said, he should be willing to work on these issues but you have to be prepared for the fact that things might have changed for him. He might not want to be your Master in the true sense of the word when he is married to you.
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    You need to talk to him. The first step to addressing any major problem in a relationship, either vanilla or BDSM, is communication. You need to let him know how you feel about the lack of sex and the lack of kink. Sit down with him outside of your power exchange--talk as equals rather than as master and slave--and tell him what you need and how you feel you're not getting it. Then listen to what he says.

    It sounds to me that his romantic feelings for you have started blocking his dominance, that he's feeling an intense conflict between loving you and wanting to inflict pain on you. He may also have lost track of the fact that being a dom involves significant obligations as well as rights. If he has accepted control of you, he is also responsible for much more of the relationship than in a vanilla relationship. (Think of it mathematically. Each person comes into the relationship with 100% control over their half and 100% responsibility. As you cede control to him, he acquires both control and responsibility. If you're a full-out slave, he has 200% control and 200% responsibility.) That's a huge weight on his shoulders, and perhaps he hasn't acknowledged those obligations.

    Another option is that he's lost his sexual attraction to you, and hasn't been able to admit it. That seems least likely to me, but not inconceivable.

    You're clearly very dissatisfied with your sex life. I think marrying him without addressing this problem would be an enormous mistake. If he's not willing to address these problems, tell him that you need to start discussing ending the relationship. That doesn't mean you need to end the relationship--it means that you need to talk about it. You need to make clear to him that an essentially vanilla relationship is not acceptable to you, and if kink is off the table, then marriage is as well. Now it's possible that you'll decide that a vanilla marriage with him is worth it, given all the other positives in the relationship, but it sounds to me like you feel that kink is necessary for you to be happy in a marriage with him.

    In a way, he's pulled a bait and switch move. He got you into the store with promises of kink and you're looking around the showroom and not seeing any leather, any spankings, any real dominance. Don't sign the marriage contract hoping that the kink is in the stockroom. Make him show you the goods he offered, and test drive them to make sure they're what you want. If not, you need to think about checking out some of the other guys who are advertising the merchandise you want.
  5. MadDogsBunny

    MadDogsBunny New Member

    I have told him all of this so many times. I have told him that I want to leave and go back where I used to live if he does not start acting like I had hoped. The problem is he won't let me leave! He loves me and tells me there is no way he is letting me go. I feel trapped. I can't find happiness. I do love him, but it turning into a best friend type of love than and master/slave one. He tells me everyday he loves me, how beautiful I am, and how he needs me. Any other girl in a vanilla relationship would think that is more than enough. I need more and I feel selfish sometimes thinking that. But that is he reason I came here to be with him. I would leave on my own if I could but I depend on him emotionally and financially. He is so nice to nice. I am not saying I hate the kisses and cuddles, I love them. I just wish there were just as many spanks and bondage time. I am absolutely frustrated and hinking of cheating. I can't hurt him. I love him. But te hiring me inside to stay here. Is that selfish? Or should I just stay here with a master that I am not completely happy with?
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  6. MadDogsBunny

    MadDogsBunny New Member

    It's hurting me inside to stay here.****

    PS. I am haveing suicidle thoughts. He knows this but hasn't done anything. Please someone help me. I might.need a new master.
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Bunny: Ok, first things first. You're feeling suicidal. I've been there. I know how that place feels. But it will pass. I promise you that. Don't give up before you start feeling better. You don't actually want to die--you just want the pain to go away somehow. There are far easier way to address your pain than to kill yourself. If you feel the active desire to kill yourself, CALL A SUICIDE PREVENTION line. They WILL help you.

    Let's pull back a bit. Submission is entirely consensual. Both morally and legally, no one can force you to submit if you choose not to. So you only have to be a sub to this man if you enjoy doing that. If you don't like it, just withdraw your consent and bingo, you're back in charge of your own life again. Your master can not legally keep you from leaving. That's called false imprisonment, and it's a crime. And, although you feel powerless right now, legally you have a much stronger position than he does. Many elements of BDSM are technically illegal for the dom to do--for example, serious pain play is legally assault, and you technically can't consent to being assaulted--it's always a crime even when agreed to. So if he somehow tries to force you to sub for him against your will, just point out that one call to the police and he will almost certainly be arrested. (The legal details vary depending on where you are, so I can't promise everything I say here is technically correct for your locale, but broadly speaking I'm right).

    BDSM, and love relationships in general, are supposed to be a source of pleasure and satisfaction. If it stops being enjoyable, you need to stop and either fix it or leave. No relationship is worth killing yourself for. Sit down with him and tell him that you're desperately unhappy. You no longer enjoy the BDSM and even the basic relationship is hurting you. If he still won't listen, then leave him. If he won't discuss the problem and work toward fixing it, then he's not giving you any options except to break up with him. But breaking up is preferable to harming yourself.
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  8. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    If you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to start seeing a professional, regardless of your relationship status. If it is an immediate threat, call yourself an ambulance.

    If you do not want to be in that relationship, do not let guilt keep you there. Neither of you will be happy, and perhaps seeing a therapist- which seems like it may help you otherwise- will help you see that.
  9. MadDogsBunny

    MadDogsBunny New Member

    I do want to be happy. I just wish our relationship worked like it used to. And I do love him! And he loves me ten times more. If I leave him he will be devistated. He tells me everyday thay I am his reason for living. I really don't want to leave but that is the only solution I can think of if this relationship keeps going down hill. I want it to work! That is were the most frustration comes from. If he loves me, won't he want to try everything to keep me. Its like he pays attention to the wrong things. The things I sit down and talk to him with seem to fly over his head, but he thinks if one day I were polka dots, than that is my favorite print. Although I think that stuff is just because he is a guy...I miss him. I miss being with him. I miss sneaking away with him. I miss getting phone calls at midnight masturbate while I tell him I love him. I thought living with him would make things more intense, but I guess the honeymoon stage is over.
    I've tried seducing him, but he's always tired or something. We do play a little but its always gentle. I am so torn. Do I leave the man I love just for a burning desire, or can I settle for this gentle master who I cannot live without. I need him. He saved me when he found me. Believe it or not I was more broken than I am now. But there he was and opened his arms to me when no one would. He is the only person I can trust.
    So you se my problems...I truley do love and need this man. I think I just have to decide what to do about my sexual needs. Do I just keep begging him? I really don't thing anyone else could love me. Am I settling?
  10. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    I think you are putting your everything into this man. You are a virgin and you say you had other issues before and he was the only one to accept you so it's made you feel some sort of responsibility towards him, like you owe him for being there for you and loving/supporting you. But that isn't real love, not in the sense that I know, the romantic all encompassing love where you need the other person for who they are, not what they have done for you or because you think you won't find anyone better.

    It sounds a bit of a co-dependant relationship to me, you both need something from the other but neither are strong enough to exist independently so cling to each other. It happens and there is no shame in it but is it what you really want? It doesn't sound like it.

    I agree that if you are considering self harming you should really be talking to a professional, as it doesn't sound like you have anyone else you can confide in and nothing is worth ending your life over, especially not a man.

    There is a difference between a guy saying he won't let you leave in the sense of 'I will do anything to fight to keep this relationship alive' and 'I am locking the doors bitch and you aren't going anywhere!' I'm thinking your situation is probably the first as if he is doing anything physically to stop you leaving then you have a whole other issue to deal with.

    It does sound like you miss the excitement of the beginning before you lived together when it was all forbidden fruit and lust. You need to find out why he isn't interested in sexual stuff anymore, as it sounds like it isn't just kinky stuff that has fallen by the wayside. Is he stressed? Depressed? Are you the same age or is age another factor? There could be plenty of things going on with him but personally I think you need to sort your own head out first.
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Bunny, is this your first real relationship? Very few people wind up in a permanent relationship with their first partner, especially at your age. Lots of things can go wrong with relationships, particularly when you don't have much experience with them to give you perspective. It sounds like for some reason he has stopped being willing to work on the relationship. If he remains unwilling, your only real choices are stay with him and be unhappy or leave and look for something that will satisfy you more. It hurts when an important relationship ends, but it is not the end of the world.

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