insight needed!!! HELP!

katrina66 · Sep 20, 2011

I am in a 5 month old relationship with a man I love. Yesterday he told me he wants to explore his dom side further, much further, as in other people, public forums, perhaps even pro. While I knew of his dom side and some of the random experiences he has had he feels now he needs to go much further with it. While I have had my own experiences prior to our relationship and have encouraged it within(though strangely he has been reluctant to follow through???) they would be considered fairly tame to most on here I am sure. I have expressed to him the willingness to explore this with him, within our relationship as well as trying to wrap my head around his need for the outside expression. But I am hung up on my own need for a monogamous relationship. He claims that what he really gets off on is the giving of pain, part of the reason he has said he hasn't taken it far with me. He doesn't want to hurt me. He really wants to hurt someone whos into it, and says its' not a sexaul thing for him though admits that yes for the sub it could be. He has downplayed his kink to me, had I known that down the road he would want to include other people I would not have chosen to stay. I love this man we have a great sex life, are friends, have fun, there are so many possibilities. I do not want to deny his needs or sexuality...Are we doomed??? I am trying to inform myself as much as I can before I make any decisions. Any help, shared experiences, insight or info would be greatly appreciated! sorry for the long winded message...

sebastian · Sep 20, 2011

Ok, sounds like you have a variety of things going on here. As I see it, the two of you have the following issues:

1) He wants to explore pain play, but doesn't think you enjoy pain play, and thinks he needs someone who is as into pain as he wants to be.
2) He's reluctant to discuss the full range of his kinks with you, probably because he thinks you don't share them, and he doesn't think you can learn to enjoy his kinks.
3) He wants some form of open relationship, while you want a closed one.

So here are what I think about those three issues:
1) Do you like the idea of erotic pain--spanking, having your nipples tortured, being flogged, or whatever? If you do, you can ask him to help you train your limits for pain play. It would probably take a while, but he's patient, it can probably be done. If you don't like pain play, are you willing to endure pain so he can meet his needs? If pain doesn't arouse you, this won't be easy, but it can probably be done, especially if you like pleasing him. But be honest--if you really don't like erotic pain, agreeing to receive it will probably wear you down. And make sure you understand the difference between erotic pain and normal pain--the former is wonderful if you like it, the latter is never enjoyable. So discuss this with him.
2) Have some honest discussions about your kinks. Agree that for the conversation, both of you may describe whatever desires or fantasies you have without the other saying anything negative. Don't judge what he likes, just find out what the range of desires is. Then discuss which of those desires and fantasies the two of you want to explore together, and which you would be willing to try once to see what they're like. If something seems really extreme, don't tell him that his desire is wrong; just say that you don't think you could do that with him, or that you can't do it now.
3) You need to discuss this. If you are absolutely certain that you could not share him with someone else, you need to say so. But remember that there are levels of openness in a relationship. Would you be ok with a situation in which someone watches the two of you playing, but doesn't join in? If you can't accept pain play, would you be ok with him torturing a sub if there was no no overt sex happening? What about if there was no genital contact (in other words, he could jack off while torturing another sub)? Would you be ok with him having one regular play partner (a mistress on the side)? Would you be ok with a situation in which he gets an occasional fling and you do as well? Couples make all sorts of arrangements--I've known couples who only play outside the relationship when one person is out of town, and couple who agree to bring in an occasional third, or who play at a bathhouse so strangers can watch but not join in. You have a right to insist on full monogamy if that is the only sort of relationship you feel ok with. But he also has a right to insist on some sort of open relationship, especially if he has a need that you can't satisfy (like pain play).

On all of these issues, you need to communicate. Talking out conflicts and desires is extremely important in all relationships, but particularly so in BDSM ones. You have three options on each of these issues: A) Insist on what you want with no compromise. B) Give in to what he wants even if you don't like it. C) Compromise to find an acceptable middle ground (some pain, an occasional three way, whatever). If you find some issue where both of you are taking position A and position C is impossible, then ending the relationship is probably the wisest course to take. You've only been in the relationship for 5 months, so neither of you has a ton invested yet.

katrina66 · Sep 20, 2011

thanks, sebastian for taking the time to respond to my message...
to answer and get feedback to your points:
#1 & #2 : i do like some pain/bondage play and have expressed to him my willingness.we have dabbled though he has been somewhat reserved/reluctant...much to my confusion. this is a positive point and certainly a much needed one in our struggle. we Have discussed this though his most recent revelations go much deeper than he has expressed before. i have told him for the moment what i think i can and cannot do. he has expressed that the level of kink he is seeking outside our relationship is much more extreme. he does not want to cause me the kind of pain he wants to deliver.
which brings me to #3:
i have told him from early on in discussing relationship topics that i am not into bringing third parties into my relationship. and i guess that is where we are stuck...i have told him i would be willing to explore with him his need for the sadism, but my boundaries are no sex, genital play, penetration. does this happen in these scenes or is sex generally involved? most of the videos i have seen all involve at least some sort of genital contact. he is unsure if he can commit to this. even though he states he is not getting off in a sexual way its' the rush of whaling on someone. but that if he does really go for it he is not sure that he wants to have boundaries placed on him. he is not sure he can meet me here nor am i sure i can relinquish my needs of a monogamous relationship. yes, we only have five months under our belt but we love each other very much and seem to be unable to walk away. is it fair to ask for some boundaries here or shall i cut the ties and let him go explore his thing??? i am really trying to stretch myself here and trying to understand...to see what i am capable of as a human being...thanks again for any further advice insight that you might have. and again for your time.

Smallest · Sep 20, 2011

You should have a pain play session with him, and not set what you think you can stand, but your hard limits, what you know you can't. And have a safe word, so he'll stop if you need it. Then both of you could get a better idea whether or not you'd be compatible for that. However, it seems like he wants another partner outside of that anyway (I could be completely wrong, I'm only going off what I infer from what you say).

If he's worried about whether or not he can control himself not to have sex with them (especially when he says it's not supposed to be a sexual thing for him), I'd be worried about whether or not he'd have the control to stop if they safeworded (or if you did, if you convince him to do more pain play).

And although Sebastian's right and there're all sorts of open arrangements you two could make, generally one assumes when a relationship starts that it's going to be monogamous, and it not at least says that it's the other way around. So it feels kind of strange that he got into a five month relationship with you in the first place, if that's a big hangup for him.

sebastian · Sep 20, 2011

Katrina, as far as 1 is concerned, perhaps you need to talk with him about why he's reluctant to do pain play with you. It's possible that he's afraid he'll actually harm you, so he'd rather explore his sadistic impulses with a sub he cares less about. If that's the issue, help him understand that part of being a dom is being vulnerable to the sub and confronting those fears and accepting the obligation to be in control.

There are doms and subs who play without having overt sex. Many prodommes, for example, never touch their sub's genitals at all. Your dom seems to feel that BDSM is not sex, that it's something separate from sex. Perhaps that's the way it is for him, but I tend to think that things like bondage and torture are a form of sex, just non-genital sex. How do you feel about it? Would you be ok with him doing a pain-play session with another sub if he agreed that genitals would not be involved? It sounds like that's what he's looking for.

As far as monogamy is involved, if you really don't think you'll be happen with anything less than a completely closed relationship, I fully support that and think you should explain that to him. But monogamy is hard for many people to maintain--that's why so many people cheat on their partners. If he honestly can't be happy in a fully-closed relationship, then eventually he's going to sneak around on you, unless he has enormous will-power and the ability to truly commit to you. So you'll have to decide what matters to you, keeping a closed relationship, or finding some sort of compromise that you can both live with so you can stay together. These aren't easy choices--trust me, I've been there and struggled with them myself--and I wish you luck in figuring out what works for the two of you.

Knots · Sep 20, 2011

I won't repeat things Seb and Small have said, but to be honest it all seems like he sees his vanilla relationship with you as something quite seperate to BDSM play, which isn't uncommon; I think there's at least two reasonably active posters on this forum who have a vanilla partner and a BDSM playmate.

insight needed!!! HELP!

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