sub Seeking advice/help

jesterdoll · Feb 8, 2010

Hello all-

My heart is beating rather fast at the moment because I have never posted on a forum before, especially one that involves something seen as an alternative lifestyle.

I am not entirely new to bdsm, but I feel that I am having a few problems in making the relationship with my Master work. We are in love, engaged as well. The first problem is that when I first met Him, I had to introduce bdsm to him. He had no idea that anything like it existed. I am afraid that this will introduce problems into our relationship.

The second thing is, He wants very much to be a good Master, but He sometimes holds back or doesn't discipline me because He is afraid to hurt me. We live with a roommate, so there are many things that we cannot do within our own home because of the roommate's presence. I want Him to punish me, so I often act out by biting Him or other such things to get his attention. Also, I want Him to apply the bdsm lifestyle outside of sex and the bedroom, and sometimes He does, but usually it evaporates within a few days.

Also, I have a collar, but I am afraid to wear it publicly for fear of judgment and criticism. I WANT to wear it, and proudly, but I can't get over the fear. I have always had people judging me growing up, and I don't want it to continue.

And yes, I have talked to Him about these things, but it seems like until we manage to get our own place, we will be stuck in this stagnant position. I am afraid of that. I want the relationship to progress.

Finally, I am afraid that somehow I am a bad sub, that I am doing something the wrong way. I talked to another Dom a few weeks ago, and she said that I seemed like I was the Dominant in the relationship, and I really am not. It is part of me to be submissive. I never want to dominate.

I am extremely confused at the moment, and I didn't know where else to turn for advice like this, because I don't want my Master to be angry with me.

If other Masters or even subs could please help me, I would greatly appreciate it. I am nervous that no one will reply. But it seems like there are many good people on this site and I am looking forward to meeting everyone.

-Lucky

subspace · Feb 9, 2010

Its sounds like you have vanilla relationship with a man that loves you enough to make the effort to give you what you need but it is not his primary choice of lifestyles. Before you decide to make a forever commitment make sure that you can both find fulfillment with each other.
You are not being a bad sub, you are simply trying to teach your partner how you want/need to be Dom'd. This topic comes up quite a bit so I assure you that you are not alone. Topping from the bottom is often looked at as a negative in the D/s relationship except when that relationship is facilitated by the sub or introduced into an otherwise vanilla relationship by the sub. I think you are doing things on purpose to get punished because you need this to go to another level that he is not ready for, you are in a sense screaming at him to become more controlling and Dominate but for whatever reason he is not interested in this aspect as much as you are. I often feel I am dominating my Top because I have to be sometimes to nudge him along to the next level but the dominance stops at me giving him clues about what I need, and yes I have been known to taunt him and egg him on to test his reactions. Its just sorta what happens in a more casual D/s relationship where the needs of each partner are not equal.

GreyMac · Feb 9, 2010

Pictures? Did I hear somebody mention Pictures?

Lucky, I agree with subspace, you are simply trying to let a mostly vanilla man know what you need. While it is sometimes regretable that most men are primarily libido-driven, this can also be a plus because it is as periennial as an oak tree and reliable as sunrise. Use that to your advantage.

Most men are accoustomed to 'earning' sex from their S.O. Being nice, buying gifts, bathing regularly, etc.

Have him earn it in a different way. He has to be a Dom to get it. If having a roommate keeps you from spanking play , then use rubber bands. Being popped on sensitive skin (breasts, nipples, ass, inner thigh, labia) with a thin rubber band will definately get your undivided attention. (I promise you welts the next day) and it doen't make the loud 'smacks' that a spanking will. Be creative and as open with him as you can. There is nothing wrong with coaxing him to jump through a few hoops so long as he gets the idea eventually. If he doesn't then your needs may be too different for you to last. Or Not. that's a call only you can make.

sebastian · Feb 12, 2010

Jes, it seems to me that your dom is wrestling with two separate issues here. 1) He's basically vanilla, so while he wants to accommodate you, he may not instinctively get into it. Therefore, he disciplines you but it takes some work and focus for him to do it, so after a while he starts to slack off because he doesn't instinctively seek dominance. I don't know if there is a real remedy here. If he is actually vanilla, domming you will probably always be work for him. It sounds like he's willing to make the effort because you need it, so with time and practice he may get better at this, but he may not. He may always feel this takes real effort. If that's the case, you will have to accept this as a limitation of your relationship with him. Only you can decide if that's a limit you're willing to live with. But recognize that he is trying to meet your needs here, and appreciate that effort, even if it's not everything you want.

2) He is also probably struggling with his cultural programming that tells him not to hurt the woman he loves. He's afraid of hurting you, because hurting the woman he loves means he's a bad person. On one level, it's good that he's concerned about this--you want your dom to be concerned to not actually injure you. But if this is making him reluctant to discipline you the way you want, it would probably help for you to explain to him that inflicting pain and discipline on you is not 'hurting you'. You interpret that pain and discipline as gestures of love and pleasure. So spanking you or tying you up or whatever are in fact expressions of love that you want him to give you. This is a difficult thing for vanilla people to wrap their heads around. So make sure that he understands this. It will probably make it easier for him to do the things you want.

Another issue that he's probably wrestling with is his conditioning that he's supposed to be concerned with your pleasure. Modern society castigates men who are not focused on giving pleasure to their women. But if you're like most subs, you want him to 'use' you sexually. You want him to do whatever he wants, not what you ostensibly want. So you need to help him get used to this idea. My sub Alex explained it to me this way (and he had to be this extreme to help me get it): "What I want doesn't matter. You get to do whatever you want to me and I don't get to have a say in it. Use me like a human sex toy and throw me aside when you're done." Now on one level, Alex does care what happens, and it's important to me to give him what he wants, but what he wants to is to feel that I'm using him sexually and ignoring his wants. For him, being dommed is about having to focus all his attention on whatever happens to pleasure me at the moment. So if your dom is having trouble here, you may have to be as extreme as Alex was. The reason it's hard for your dom to get this is that it's paradoxical; he's pleasing you by ignoring what you want. Your derive pleasure from having your pleasure ignored. Now perhaps you're not as extreme as Alex is on this issue, but using his language might help your dom to realize what you need. He gets to take pleasure from you however he wants (within the limits you've established with him).

painpig_m · Feb 17, 2010

An ankle collar could work. Bassically it's a connection between you and the dom, so a neck collar isn't always needed. A Tattoo or brand you might want to stay away from, but an ankle bracelet can easily be hidden, plus only you know it's there.

Try to focus on pleasure, if he knows you're getting pleasure he knows he's doing it right.

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jesterdoll

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subspace

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GreyMac

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sebastian

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painpig_m

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