confused, please help.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by ani, Sep 6, 2010.

  1. ani

    ani New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I am in my early 20s and started exploring BDSM at the beginning of this year. I found this Master through internet, we've met up. I am attracted to his intellect, his ability to expressed his thoughts, the way he uses his eyes and soft voice to dominate over me.
    It's been hard on my side to truly submit to him although i really want to and i think of him everyday.
    He comes and goes whenever he wants.
    There is no way that i can contact him because his phone is either engaged, turned off or he doesn't pick them up.
    He said that he has bought me a collar and i am the first sub that he's ever wanted to collar.
    He said that i have to earn the collar.
    I haven't seen the collar before. I don't know if he actually bought it.
    Everytime we meet, we'll always have a sex with him dominating me (choking me, tying a rope around my neck and lead me around, spank my bottom)
    Sometimes I wonder if he's really a Master or he just wants someone to have sex with when he wants to.
    But he said that it's not about sex.
    He knows that i am not fully comfortable with my body and sex as a whole and he said he is breaking me down and rebuilding.
    I am willing to be guided that way but his coming and going whenever he wants to" breeds doubts in my head.

    Is this how Dom behave?

    Is it right for me to expect him to be what a partner is like in a vanilla relationship with bdsm component added to it?
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  2. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    No, that is not how Doms behave. He should have reasons for coming and going and he should have told you. It honestly sounds suspicious to me. And that is not what a partner is like in a GOOD vanilla relationship. In a shitty one, yeah.
    This guy sounds like a fake, and it sounds like he just wants some sex with some kink, and mostly control. A Dom is more to a sub than that.
    Welcome to the forum, by the way. Please don't be a stranger.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    A lot depends on the kind of relationship that you and he have negotiated. Some doms want a relationship in which they are not responsible for their time to the sub, who is responsible to them. Some doms assert the right to have multiple partners while their sub is exclusive to them. If that is what you and he want and have agreed to, great. But if you don't want that, then there's a problem. And if you and he haven't discussed this, then there's a problem. Either he's a not a real dom, or he's a dom who's making a lot of assumptions about what you want and what you're ready for. Either way, you two need to have a long conversation about what you want and what he wants.
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  4. ani

    ani New Member

    Thank you Tumble and Sebestian for you replies.

    i suppose both of you have a point.
    i will endeavour to have a looong conversation wtih him, if history repeats itself, I think you are probably right Tumber.

    Saying that, i have to wait for him to contact me if he ever will again.

    thanks again.
  5. ani

    ani New Member

    Sorry typo - i meant Tumble.

    Well Sebestian, we did agreed on being monogamous for health reasons. I have also brought to him the need for me to be able to contact him or the courtesy from him to inform me if he is not going to act on something that he said he would. He did apologized that it is his flaw and it's something that he is trying to improve.

    i always wonder if he is trustworthy, yet because he comes back everytime and I could feel that he does take care of me/my health during play.

    I donno, i feel like i am struggling with my faith in him at the moment.
    but i'll definitely have a conversation with him again if there is a chance.
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  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ani, doms and subs have to trust each other. While trust runs both ways, it is most important that the sub feel she can trust the dom. Doms need to earn the trust of their subs. If you don't trust him, don't play with him and look for someone else to play with. While most people agree that there are more subs than doms, there are definitely other doms out there who will gladly play with you. The fact that he said he was working to be better at calling you is a good sign, but you need to decide if it's enough of a sign for you.

    It's also important to realize that, at this point, you and he are not exclusive (unless you've left out a major detail). You have no moral obligation to forego playing with someone until he calls you. So do some exploring. London, as a major city, has a thriving fetish scene, so make some contacts and let people know that you're a mostly novice sub looking for a good dom to teach you the basics. Talk to other subs in the area and ask them for guidance. See if this guy has a decent reputation or not--if he has a reputation as someone who knows how to play safely and who takes care of his subs, trusting him will be easier, and if he has the opposite reputation, you know to avoid him.
  7. ani

    ani New Member

    We have agreed to inform each other should we have sexual contact with someone else. He did say that I m owned by him but I just don't feel right with his coming n going. It makes me feel as if he's not really concern or serious even though he always say he respects me, thinks pf me.

    I m quite confuse. I thought bdsm r/s is more intense than vanilla r/s where more trust, respect, care (expressed in it's unique way) are required. I suppose I have fallen in love with him but he hasn't?
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  8. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    I think this guy is a player. Just because you say something doesn't mean you're actually doing it.

    Idk, if I was involved with this guy I would have called things off. :\ But that's me.

    At the benefit of the doubt it sounds like you two want completely opposing things out of the relationship. I think you would be better off finding a dom who is willing to give you the time and care that you want and deserve.

    But that is just my opinion.
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ani, unless you've offered yourself to him as bdsm property, he doesn't own you. Submission to ownership is voluntary. He can claim you as his property all he wants, but if you have not offered yourself to him and don't want to be owned, then he's just full of it. And, honestly, given that you're quite new to bdsm, you shouldn't be owned by anyone. Being owned, and being collared, are loosely the equivalent of being married.

    From what you've said, I have to agree with Tumble. He's not much of a dom. I think you ought to drop the guy and find someone who's more to your needs.
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  10. ani

    ani New Member

    Thank you Tumble and Sebestian for your thoughts.
    At lease I don't feel all alone with these questions bouncing back and forth within my mind. Logical sense should tell me to drop him but time and again, when i told myself not to submit to him or resist him or ignoring his call when he does contact me again, I can't. At times I feel disappointed with myself - being unable to resist. We would discuss about it and he said I should be able to live without expectations. He labelled this as psychological training....

    it's like as if i am held on to him by this thin thread.

    I don't know if other subs have felt or been through similar experiences?

    But this experience has definitely made me wonder what real Masters are like and if i would ever meet one and is it likely to return to vanilla r/s? I doubt so.
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    No. It's not psychological training. It's bullshit from a man who doesn't understand what being a sub involves. He has a fantasy of having a sub who only exists when he wants to use the sub. That's completely unrealistic for the vast majority of subs, you included. Either this guy has no real experience maintaining a relationship with a sub or he's had a long string of failed relationships.

    Ani, you're a sub. You like the feeling of someone else having real control over you. That's why you're finding it hard to break up with this guy. You're certainly not the first sub to have this problem. Asserting control over your life is difficult for a sub like you, but at this point, I honestly think that's what you need to do.

    This guy is not the only dom out there. You're in London, home to one of the largest fetish communities on the planet. I'm aware of a very large and vibrant gay fetish scene, and the straight fetish scene has got to be at least 10x the size of the gay one. I know there are straight kink clubs in London--I've seen ads for them--and I am sure there are social groups, munches, training classes, and other social activities for doms and subs there. You just need to go looking for them. Do a google search for "sm London" or "London munch" or other sm terms. Find a woman's sex supply shop and look at the local bulletin board; talk to the staff there. Look for a fetish club and find out what the dress code is, and then go there and look around. Cruise dating sites looking for ads with sm keywords in them. If you look around enough, you will find other doms, and even if they won't take you on, they will help you make contacts in the community. You'll meet other subs who will give you support and advice, and you'll meet a dom who will help provide emotional reinforcement for leaving this guy. But you've got to do this for yourself. We here on SMplace will gladly provide encouragement, but we can't do the work for you. You can totally do this. You had the brains and the strength of will to find us; there's no reason you can't find people in London as well.
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  12. ani

    ani New Member

    Thank you for you reply Sebestian.
    That man said that he has been a sub before....

    ah.... maybe i really should step out and explore a little more outside him
  13. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    ani -
    Your situation is not unique, in either world (vanilla or kinky). As a matter of fact, your situation is one of the key items that make me keep coming back to this forum again and again.

    The internet has made a spike in the population of "player Doms", "wannabee Doms", and "predator Doms". Your guy seems to fall into the category of two.... player and wannabee.

    There is an old saying here that I think would apply..... "If there's any doubt, there's no doubt at all". Take Tumbl3's advice very seriously.

    A real Dom is about his sub, not about sex (sex is easy), and he would have had a real discussion to find out if you guys click. We all get off on certain things. Let's say you like to be tortured with piercing or cutting, or maybe you like water sports and scat. You're still a sub, just not one for me. More importantly, a real Dom is concerned about what's in your head. He would ask about what you've fantasized about, what you're afraid of. He would talk to you about hard limits and try to understand what you don't like as much as what you do.

    Seb mentioned that an experienced Dom would not collar you in early stages as this amounts to marriage status. This is true, and the way your Dom mentions how you have to earn your collar and that he owns you are key indicators that you have a player that knows some of the terms but not necessarily where they fit in a true Dom/sub relationship. There's no way he would have bought you "that kind" of collar.
    He may use a training collar on you but that collar would be worn every time you guys have your sessions together..... And if he gives a shit, it won't be a colllar he's used on anyone else

    The coming and going has more to do with his dick than your training. He comes when he's horny, time for a session. I will tell you this. You are not the only woman in his life. His frequency with you has more to do with what, or who, else he has on his schedule.

    You haven't mentioned what you've learned from him, other than what you've described as his treatment of you. With a real Dom, each time you see him you will know something new, about him, and about yourself, and..... You'll feel good about it.

    This can all be summed up pretty simply. You need to ask yourself a question.

    Do I feel better, or worse, for having been with him each time? Do I feel better, or worse, for having this relationship.... on an ongoing basis? Moving forward of backward? Enlightened, or confused?

    Better.... or worse?

    Listen to your gut. It's trying to tell you something.

    You've been a sub for a long time, just aching for someone to bring it out in you.... to give you what you need without judging you, or saying you're crazy. Now you've found someone to give you "some" of what you need.

    Please don't drop your standards just to get "some" of what you need. Go to the munches. Look for events that are friendly to kinky folks. Take some adventurous girlfriends with you, or go yourself, but be aware of the players, wannabees, and predators. They are out in force looking for you. The real Doms are usually more suttle. Put this guy in your "Lessons Learned" box and put him and the box on a shelf.

    Watch for ads that have funny, kinky keywords of terms (like SSC) or that sound a little kinky (dark side). Watch for those that say they like the day and love the night... stuff like that.

    Lastly, don't let anyone tie you up in the first session. Please wait to get to know them before you put your freedom and your life in their hands. There are many subs out there with stories of "Predator Doms"....... Don't be one of them.

    Hope this helps.

    Welcome. And don't let this be your only string.
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  14. ani

    ani New Member

    Thank you L8night...

    Interestingly, we have talked about my hard limits when we first began months ago... but over time, he said he's owned me and he'll deem what he thinks is appropriate while respecting, considering my mental and physical well being.

    he mentioned he is trying to break me down - mentally first... break down all the norms that society has taught us about what is right and wrong.
    Indeed in the beginning he has opened my mind.
    He has made me realised the submissive side of me
    He has made me aware of my body
    He has made me realised that i can be strong emotionally if i want to (but currently, i am tired of the positive talks i have to myself - "i will learn to be happy regardless of how he treats me"...
    for the past 2 months i reached a stage where i could still move on happily for the next few days - week after having a session with me and he just "disappeared"
    Recently, i couldn't any more... lots doubts well up, i start to think whether he has been telling me the truth, whether he's been serious....

    he always said that he's serious, i am his only sexual partner, he's showed me a few of his std tests which are negative.

    Yet, i still don't know if i can trust him. We met up again, had a brief session and he told me never to doubt him again. Before that we talked, I asked why the disappearance, he said he was extremely busy and was caught up with his family (parents and siblings)... i still can't find the strength to ignore him

    I've requested to speak to him over the weekend, he said he would but I haven't heard from him since, neither could i get through to him........

    u asked if i feel better or worse after being with him..
    initially it was better, now... worse, everytime after we had a session, i feel worse mainly because of his disappearance.
    I felt i've been used despite his continuous assurance that he has no sexual intention.

    I don't know anymore
  15. ani

    ani New Member

    i guess i should mention that i have been tied up by him before and tied up with a rope around my neck and he has choked me before...
    I should say that i've never been hurt physically, in fact i think he does take care of me physically.

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