confused, please help.

ani · Sep 6, 2010

Hi everyone,

I am in my early 20s and started exploring BDSM at the beginning of this year. I found this Master through internet, we've met up. I am attracted to his intellect, his ability to expressed his thoughts, the way he uses his eyes and soft voice to dominate over me.
It's been hard on my side to truly submit to him although i really want to and i think of him everyday.
He comes and goes whenever he wants.
There is no way that i can contact him because his phone is either engaged, turned off or he doesn't pick them up.
He said that he has bought me a collar and i am the first sub that he's ever wanted to collar.
He said that i have to earn the collar.
I haven't seen the collar before. I don't know if he actually bought it.
Everytime we meet, we'll always have a sex with him dominating me (choking me, tying a rope around my neck and lead me around, spank my bottom)
Sometimes I wonder if he's really a Master or he just wants someone to have sex with when he wants to.
But he said that it's not about sex.
He knows that i am not fully comfortable with my body and sex as a whole and he said he is breaking me down and rebuilding.
I am willing to be guided that way but his coming and going whenever he wants to" breeds doubts in my head.

Is this how Dom behave?

Is it right for me to expect him to be what a partner is like in a vanilla relationship with bdsm component added to it?

Tumbl3 · Sep 6, 2010

No, that is not how Doms behave. He should have reasons for coming and going and he should have told you. It honestly sounds suspicious to me. And that is not what a partner is like in a GOOD vanilla relationship. In a shitty one, yeah.
This guy sounds like a fake, and it sounds like he just wants some sex with some kink, and mostly control. A Dom is more to a sub than that.
Welcome to the forum, by the way. Please don't be a stranger.

sebastian · Sep 6, 2010

A lot depends on the kind of relationship that you and he have negotiated. Some doms want a relationship in which they are not responsible for their time to the sub, who is responsible to them. Some doms assert the right to have multiple partners while their sub is exclusive to them. If that is what you and he want and have agreed to, great. But if you don't want that, then there's a problem. And if you and he haven't discussed this, then there's a problem. Either he's a not a real dom, or he's a dom who's making a lot of assumptions about what you want and what you're ready for. Either way, you two need to have a long conversation about what you want and what he wants.

ani · Sep 7, 2010

Thank you Tumble and Sebestian for you replies.

i suppose both of you have a point.
i will endeavour to have a looong conversation wtih him, if history repeats itself, I think you are probably right Tumber.

Saying that, i have to wait for him to contact me if he ever will again.

thanks again.

ani · Sep 7, 2010

Sorry typo - i meant Tumble.

Well Sebestian, we did agreed on being monogamous for health reasons. I have also brought to him the need for me to be able to contact him or the courtesy from him to inform me if he is not going to act on something that he said he would. He did apologized that it is his flaw and it's something that he is trying to improve.

i always wonder if he is trustworthy, yet because he comes back everytime and I could feel that he does take care of me/my health during play.

I donno, i feel like i am struggling with my faith in him at the moment.
but i'll definitely have a conversation with him again if there is a chance.

sebastian · Sep 7, 2010

Ani, doms and subs have to trust each other. While trust runs both ways, it is most important that the sub feel she can trust the dom. Doms need to earn the trust of their subs. If you don't trust him, don't play with him and look for someone else to play with. While most people agree that there are more subs than doms, there are definitely other doms out there who will gladly play with you. The fact that he said he was working to be better at calling you is a good sign, but you need to decide if it's enough of a sign for you.

It's also important to realize that, at this point, you and he are not exclusive (unless you've left out a major detail). You have no moral obligation to forego playing with someone until he calls you. So do some exploring. London, as a major city, has a thriving fetish scene, so make some contacts and let people know that you're a mostly novice sub looking for a good dom to teach you the basics. Talk to other subs in the area and ask them for guidance. See if this guy has a decent reputation or not--if he has a reputation as someone who knows how to play safely and who takes care of his subs, trusting him will be easier, and if he has the opposite reputation, you know to avoid him.

ani · Sep 7, 2010

We have agreed to inform each other should we have sexual contact with someone else. He did say that I m owned by him but I just don't feel right with his coming n going. It makes me feel as if he's not really concern or serious even though he always say he respects me, thinks pf me.

I m quite confuse. I thought bdsm r/s is more intense than vanilla r/s where more trust, respect, care (expressed in it's unique way) are required. I suppose I have fallen in love with him but he hasn't?

Tumbl3 · Sep 8, 2010

I think this guy is a player. Just because you say something doesn't mean you're actually doing it.

Idk, if I was involved with this guy I would have called things off. :\ But that's me.

At the benefit of the doubt it sounds like you two want completely opposing things out of the relationship. I think you would be better off finding a dom who is willing to give you the time and care that you want and deserve.

But that is just my opinion.

sebastian · Sep 8, 2010

Ani, unless you've offered yourself to him as bdsm property, he doesn't own you. Submission to ownership is voluntary. He can claim you as his property all he wants, but if you have not offered yourself to him and don't want to be owned, then he's just full of it. And, honestly, given that you're quite new to bdsm, you shouldn't be owned by anyone. Being owned, and being collared, are loosely the equivalent of being married.

From what you've said, I have to agree with Tumble. He's not much of a dom. I think you ought to drop the guy and find someone who's more to your needs.

ani · Sep 8, 2010

Thank you Tumble and Sebestian for your thoughts.
At lease I don't feel all alone with these questions bouncing back and forth within my mind. Logical sense should tell me to drop him but time and again, when i told myself not to submit to him or resist him or ignoring his call when he does contact me again, I can't. At times I feel disappointed with myself - being unable to resist. We would discuss about it and he said I should be able to live without expectations. He labelled this as psychological training....

it's like as if i am held on to him by this thin thread.

I don't know if other subs have felt or been through similar experiences?

But this experience has definitely made me wonder what real Masters are like and if i would ever meet one and is it likely to return to vanilla r/s? I doubt so.

confused, please help.

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