Getting husband on board with Dom/sub

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by sluttysub, Apr 18, 2010.

  1. sluttysub

    sluttysub Member

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    Ok, another question, lol! :)

    I have a strong desire to be dominated and enjoy pain during sex. My husband can be pretty rough, and I love it, but he usually follows my lead and doesn't seem to care to take 'real' control and push me too my limits. He must know that many of the things we do cause pain, but it seems the instant that he suspects I'm in pain, he stops. When I say mixed signals, I mean, they're very mixed. He's bitten my nipples until the bled and was fine, but at other times he thinks he's pinched them too hard and stops. He's fucked my ass so hard (sometimes going in dry) that it hurt to sit the next day and it doesn't bother him, yet at other times, when he realizes it's hurting, he stops. He's fisted me, but sometimes fears that 3 fingers are hurting me. And when I suggested double penetration with a dildo in my pussy and him in my ass, he got very wierded out and didn't touch me for a week (although he fingers me while fucking my ass or vice versa). He'll give me 5 or 6 hard smacks, turning my ass red, but then stops because he hurt me, never giving me a real spanking session. Basically, it seems that no matter what he does, as long as I sound as though it's only pleasure, he's fine. But the minute it starts to sound like it may hurt as well (even though I'm enjoying it) he stops.

    He does know I like it rough, that's not in question, but I've tried to hint at how much I would enjoy him taking full control, but he doesn't quite seem to get it. I'm afraid to straight out tell him I want to be completely dominated because even some of the simple things seem to bother him (like "handcuffs aren't sexy!", etc. Do I just continue to hint at it? Do I say something? Or do I just let it go and accept it for what it is? Although I would love to have him dominate me, I am still (for the most part) satisfied sexually. Obviously, with him dominating I would like to move things a bit further, try more things...

    I guess I'm just very confused. Sometimes it appears as though he has it in him, but is holding back. And at other times it feels as though he must think I'm a freak. What to do?
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  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    Have you tried, just like, telling him what you want?
    You shouldn't have to beat around the bush, you're not asking him to kick puppies or punch you in the face or anything crazy. Tell him it doesnt really hurt, when he gives you a few spanks ask for more! Take baby steps, cuz obviously your husband needs his hand to be held through this.
    Tell him you're getting mixed messages, that he acts all rough but then other rough things seem to turn him off. Ask what kinds of things he's interested in doing? If he doesnt know, throw some ideas out there and ask him what he thinks. Remind him that he doesnt have to be shy, because these are things you'd like to try too
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  3. sluttysub

    sluttysub Member

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    Thank you! :)
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  4. Sate_Sprie

    Sate_Sprie Member

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    We were in a similar situation. Master just out and asked me. We had been having rough sex and he had incorporated a few control elements into our sex life. I assume that was him testing the waters. I would just out an ask him. That's how you're going to get the best results. You can't expect him to know unless you say something. Explain what you want and see what he says. What's the worst that can happen?
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  5. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

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    From what I understand....

    At times he is rough (like you like and want) and at times he is worried about hurting you...

    To me it sounds like he is battling within himself.
    Like he wants to dominate you, but is afraid he might hurt you. And his need to keep you safe is sometimes "overriding" his other need to dominate you.

    I would say the next time he is rough like you like it, or is being worried about being safe, call him out on it. Ask him why he was rough this time, and easy that time, or vice versa.

    If he does want to dominate you and is (most likely) worried about hurting you, get him some books to help him see how safe bdsm can be if you know what you are doing....The ones suggested to me, to help get my hubby into dominating me were...

    Different Loving
    SM 101
    Loving Dominant
    Screw the Roses, Give me the Thorns

    You can easily find them on and B&
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  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Do you use safe words? One function of a safe word is to tell the dom that he's not being too rough on the sub. If he's too rough, the sub would use the safe word, and since the sub isn't using it, the dom knows that he's not being too rough. So arrange a few code words that you can use--one for "slow down", one for "stop" and one for "there's something wrong physically". Make sure they are words that you'll remember but that won't come up during the scene otherwise. This way you can beg him to stop knowing that he won't stop until you use the safe words.

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