Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Obsidian, Apr 6, 2008.

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  1. Obsidian

    Obsidian New Member

    I know this is a bit of a bad note to start on, but truth be told I'm genuinely concerned and the only other person in the scene I know is the cause of my concern.

    Now that I may have found some people who can truly point me in the right direction, I don’t know how to say it.

    The crux of the matter is that I'm afraid my D/s relationship is emotionally abusive.

    I first realised I was a sub when I met my BF/Dom 2 years ago when I was 18 yrs old. To begin with it was what would be referred to as 'kinky sex' with a vanilla relationship, however as time went by it became more D/s, although not 24/7 (however much I would like to). I think the main reason for this is that for the first year there were issues, such as him cheating on and lying to me constantly.

    In the last 6 months things reached a peak and then everything seemed to be ok, however about a month ago we had a discussion which worried me. Although he didn't say as much he gave the distinct impression that he had no respect for me and would do whatever he wanted because my feelings didn't matter to him. When I tried to explain that that upset me or try to resolve the problem he just refused to discuss it any further.

    He also seems to have the opinion that as I’m a sub, he has the right to do whatever he pleases at my expense. I frequently feel used (not in a good way) and not cared for, as a sub should (so I have been told) I honestly love him and would do anything he asked. All I ask in return is that he loves me and is faithful to me, and when he asks something of me that I find difficult or even against my morals hat he be understanding of that. Nothing gives me more pleasure than pleasing him.

    He says he loves me too, but when I try to bring these things up he says that if I were truly submissive then none of this would be an issue. Is that true? Or am I in an abusive relationship?

    If I AM submissive and I’m in a bad relationship, I’m scared that I won’t be able to function in a healthy one…that I am ‘broken’ so to speak.


    PS: my apologies for any rules of etiquette I have broken: as I said, this is the first contact I have had with the BDSM community in general therefore I have not been told how I is acceptable for a sub to act around others in the scene.
  2. Stargazer

    Stargazer Member

    That last sentence is a huge worry. Cheating and lying are two of the most harmful things anyone can do to a relationship. Whether it be a D/s one or a conventional partnership, both rely on absolute trust and nothing good can happen between two people who can't trust one another.

    So you've got the idea that communication is a good thing, but he hasn't. If he's refusing to talk about things then he's either covering up something dishonest or he's so detached from his own feelings and thought that he's not in a good place in life.

    I myself had become very detached from my own feelings and thoughts for a while and it drove me into a deep depression that almost pushed me to suicide. I crawled out that hole but it's left me a little weakened. If he's becoming that detached, he may not be happy. But talking about it is the only way to find out how to help him.

    You may be submissive to him but you're not a trash heap. There is a MAJOR difference. Even a D/s relationship between a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife needs to be tender and loving. You can't treat anyone just however you like and then justify it using your status as an excuse.

    You hear of child asbuse cases where a father has forced his young daughter to commit sex acts. This is just another way of using status to get something which is just downright wrong and unjust. Your boyfriend has no right to mis-treat anyone no matter what their status. if he loses all respect for human life, he could become someone dangerous.

    You're asking no more than any other human being would. But define truly submissive... there are so many levels to it. I'm a mild case I guess. Others on here are more extreme. But as I said above, being a submissive does not make you a rubbish dump that someone can chuck all their emotional baggage onto.

    It's not my place to tell you what is and isn't there in your relationship. This is our first message exchange and I've only heard one side of the argument. But I will say that from what I've read here, I'm very concerned.

    'If' you're submissive? Either you are or not, chances are that you do have submissive tendencies but finding someone who can fully understand them and fulfill their role as your Dom' without abusing your trust is a tricky one.

    As a man, I know that power can be quite a trip. I do feel very powerful and in control when I get to play master but I have a decency chip in my head that stops me going too far. You need someone who respects you, loves you, trusts you and will be faithful to you. These things work both ways in every type of relationship.

    I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. A message board like this isn't the place to kneel down and submit your will. It's aplace to sit down, talk openly and submit messages.

    Allow me to apologise in return though since it would appear from the tone of my rely that I have made up my mind what kind of a person your boyfriend is. It's not my place to judge, but based on the information I've read this evening, I can't see a comfortable way forward for you.

    It won;t be easy, but do what you feel is best for you. You may be a submissive, but you are still a person with wants, needs and free will. If your partner is abusinig the trust you're giving him, it may be time to reclaim independence and offer it to somebody who truly respects you for who and what you are.

    Oh, by the way... Welcome to the message boards. ;)
  3. Obsidian

    Obsidian New Member

    Thank you for such a detailed reply and for welcoming me so warmly. Your words have given me a great deal of reasurence and I no longer as if I am being unfair with my demands.

    Un/fortunatly, it seems I needn't worry any more. I was told by a trusted friend that he had cheated on me (again) and I was put it touch with both the girls in question (aged 15 and 16) who couldn't give me much detail as he took advantage of them while they were drunk, and he wasn't. However, what they could tell me was enough and I'm going to leave him tomorrow.

    I hope I'll have the strength to keep away form him this time.

  4. Stargazer

    Stargazer Member

    Oh, mate...

    That's harsh... I'm sorry to hear that things weren't good, but I'm happy for you that you're looking to the future with intentions to move on.

    I won;t dwell on the matter since you're in the process of resolving part of the problem but I would like to suggest that perhaps the two young women he took advantage of take the matter further.

    I beleive UK law currently considers 17 to be the legal age of consent and thus this means that more than just cheating has been going on here.

    Anyways, I'm glad I was able to offer some advice, albeit redundant under the circumstances. Everybody else around here may be a little shy but I'm not so if I can help you in any way, please don't feel embarrassed to ask.

    All the very best.
  5. Obsidian

    Obsidian New Member

    It's going to be hard, every time that I have put my foot down and said "a monogamous relationship or no relationship" he has wriggled his way out of it and convinced me to take him back. I know the pattern inside out and back to front. He'll ignore me for a month or two, pretending to be he injured party or refusing to acknowledge that what he has done is wrong. Then he'll say "can't we at least be friends" and say that he needs me to help him change because he knows he's messed up, that I'm the only one he can really talk to and he regrets treating me badly. He'll work on that until I give in. Then he'll do all the things he knows will remind me of how I felt when things were good and it will move on to "can you ever forgive me?"...

    And it has worked every time. The last time this happened I was in such a deep state of depression I tried to kill myself. Fortunately a friend found me and called an ambulance.

    I refuse to let him get me like that again.

    I did mention that to them, the age of consent in the UK is 16, so for the 15 yr. old, it's statutory rape. For the 16 yr. old, who can't remember anything, it would be very tricky to pin anything on him for. But I agree, the fact that he took advantage of two drunk minors is unforgivable and there is currently a queue of people wanting to do nasty things to him because if it.

    Thank you, it's a big help to have people to talk to. People always say it will get better with time, but getting through that time is going to be quite a challenge.

  6. Stargazer

    Stargazer Member

    My experience is that time ruins everything. It gives us the chance to dwell and fester. I think the worst bit about all of this is that you obviously care for this guy and have a lot of feelings for him. To have them betrayed must hurt beyond anything else even a hardcore masochist would endure.

    I've not been in your situation but I was once given the opportunity to have an affair with a beautiful girl who was prepared to do anything for me. While everything inside me was screaming at me to go for it, I respectfully declined.

    I'd imagine, one of the biggest hurdles for you moving forwards would be finding someone who not only understands and can accept your submissive nature, but won't become corrupted by them.

    For many men, and I know because I am one, are turned on and excited by power and control. To have this level of control over another person can affect some people and turn them into selfish bastards. The true test of a mans character is if he can dominate a person but still remain tender and loving at the same time.

    We know it's possible, but it will severely limit your possibilities. I guess the best thing to do, instead of allowing yourself to go back to your comfort zone as you said you have done before and allow the cycle to begin all over again, is to take a few risks. Sure, there'll be some nasty experiences but just think how much better you'll feel when you eventually find that guy who can fully appreciate you.

    And from one person who's been saved from suicide to another, please don't kill yoursefl because of someone else. I know sometimes it all seems hopeless and there is not way out, thats why we tried to end our lives, but being saved was the greatest thing that has happened to me so far. Deep down I may not still be truly happy, but I know that so long as there is hope, there is a reason to live.

    We're both young, we've both got a lot to hope for, therefore, we both owe it to ourselves to keep fighting against this rotten and corrupted society and come out on the winning side.

    I'm making slow progress, very slow but I'm getting there. With a little bit of fight, you can make it there too. Time won't make things better, but finding the someone or something that fills the hole in your life will make it less difficult.
  7. Obsidian

    Obsidian New Member

    I don't even have it in me to cry any more. I think (hope) this is the turning point and I can get him out of my life for good...again.

    I hope so, and as I said in my first post: I'm scarred that I won't be able to function in a healthy relationship because of this. It has really screwed me up and I don't know if I'll be able to trust someone that completely again.

    I refuse to let him get me that low again. I was prone to depression before, but he seemed to take advantage of that. He knew that I need lots of social interaction and looking back now, he cut me of form other people. Usually by convincing me I couldn't trust them....then there was the first time I started looking into BDSM without going through him, e.g. reading articles on the web etc. and he got angry and made me feel stupid for doing it.

    It has just occurred to me that he wanted to sop me form finding out how much he was doing wrong by limiting my contact with the people who knew what he was doing behind my back and people who know more about the lifestyle than I do (Which is pretty much everyone at the moment)...

    Sorry, I'm rambling now :S
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