I feel betrayed - advice please

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by GirlCat, Jan 30, 2009.

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  1. GirlCat

    GirlCat New Member


    This is the very first forum I've looked at and now joined. I'd really like some advice from people experienced in BDSM. Forgive the length of this - I'd just like some genuine advice please.

    I'm in a relationship with a man who only recently revealed his interest in BDSM, fetishes, etc. It took 5 months for us to realise that we were both into the same things. He is naturally dom, me sub. It was a beautiful and exhilerating moment to discover this about each other and we had a fantastic time, discovering each other's fantasies and secrets.

    I had never done anything remotely fetishistic in any other relationship so this was brand new to me - and very exciting, as it was so intense and loving. He was relatively new to BDSM but had dabbled very lightly a few times in it - eg light spanking.

    The 'but' is that I have discovered that he has been discussing what we get up to in great detail with a female friend who is a very experienced sub, asking where to purchase equipment, etc.

    I feel betrayed and very hurt because I thought that we were discovering things together. Instead there is a third party involved - both of them 'getting off' on their chats about me.

    Am I over-reacting? Should I accept this? Because of the very strong emotional connection I have with him, I feel that what he has done is unforgivable. I'm not naive I'm just desperately desperately hurt.
  2. dskip

    dskip New Member

    no you have a right to react this way your a submissive not a slave and if you want one on one then thats what you deserve...

    just my 2 cents
  3. GirlCat

    GirlCat New Member

    Thank you - I appreciate it.
  4. nix

    nix Guest

    Tell him about it. If you're right for each other, and you both are open with each other, it'll work out.
    Look at it from his perspective - maybe he was just trying to make sure things went really well for the two of you by talking to someone who he knew was experienced?
    I'm just throwing another opinion out here, to be fair to everyone involved.
  5. SkivvyNo.1

    SkivvyNo.1 New Member

    I'd say don't make any rash descisions. Put the shoe on the other foot. You said he's new to it so maybe he feels like he needs some advice from someone more experianced in order to please you. He may have been asking her what makes her tick as a sub in order to make the experiance better for you, I'm sure he's nervous if he's new to the scene and wants to get it right so you get maximum enjoyment from the experience.

    Don't worry about it for now. But if it really bothers you then talk about it. Open communication is the best thing you can practise in a relationship.

    I hope it all goes well for you.
  6. DM65

    DM65 New Member

    i think you have gotten some pretty good advice,..but it would be best to communicate with him about your feelings of betrayal....

    i see it a little differently than you do...you say you both are kinda new to bdsm...and him being the dom...maybe he was getting more info/advice from an experienced sub on the path to take you..(you said he was asking about where to buy toys etc.)

    communication is key to any relationship...it's 100 x more critical in a bdsm relationship..

    but the reward is also much greater,..when people first get into the lifestyle..it's usually about sex,..if you stay with it,... the closeness with your dom will be amazing,...you will develop a "oneness"...that are beyond words..where he will know what you need by reading your body language,...your desires will be his desires,..there will be no wall of words to hide behind,..no double meanings,...so tear down those walls,..walls protect you from nothing,..they only make you lonely,..

    good luck
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