Newbie needing advice...

Pippi Longbottom · Oct 20, 2011

Hello all... I am new around here and new to all this. I am looking for some advice from those more experienced in these matters...

My husband and I have been married 10 years. Although our marriage has always had whispers of BDSM, last month, something clicked and we have been going full throttle ever since. I am thrilled, to put it mildly. I have always known that he is a natural dom, but I think he was frightened to open that door. I donâ€™t know what changed for him, but boy, am I glad it did! After our first session, the first thing I said when he took the gag out was â€œWhere have you been all my life?â€

I am looking for some advice. There has been some talk, mostly during play, about him lending me out to other men (or groups of men) and/or women. While both of us find this idea exciting, I have several concerns about implementing this in reality. We donâ€™t live the dom/sub dynamic 24/7 â€“ and neither of us wants that. My concern is that involving others would be AMAZING during play, but would have big ripples in â€œrealâ€ life. We have always been monogamous, and I donâ€™t believe that we are capable of accurately anticipating our reactions.

So, I guess I am looking for advice on how to approach this in a way that will safeguard our marriage and our emotions after the fact. Anyone have any experience with this?

Exploring2dark · Oct 23, 2011

Establishing any boundaries is an absolute concern at first. Communication needs to be open and upfront no matter what. Discuss the idea in great depths. After doing so, I am sure you both will come to a decision that is best your relationship and needs.

The only other advice I can give, is to do a lot of internal searching and thought before making that step.

Good luck!

Smallest · Oct 23, 2011

I know someone who swings, and his and his boyfriend's rule is that there's no emotional attachment and that each person's just a one time thing. You don't have to do that, but if it appeals or doesn't, it's a starting point of sorts.

sebastian · Oct 23, 2011

I'd say explore bdsm a little more with just you two before you open things up to a third. Figure out the basics of what both of you like and how you and your husband react. Get your 'bdsm legs' before you start swinging. That will make you more comfortable when you bring in another guy (or girl).

Establish some ground rules. Some couples insist on interviewing the third in a non-sexual environment like a coffeeshop. You should have veto power over any third that your husband wants to give you to (unless you feel safe letting him make that choice). Recognize that neither you nor he know how you will react when that third is actually playing with you, so try it once and then reassess whether such play is good for you. If either of you decides that you're not comfortable, just put it away as a one-time experiment (and perhaps a few years later, you'll both be ready). During play with the third, it's very possible that you will be unhappy, so arrange safe words so that your husband can stop the scene, either for a talk about what the problem is or to end the play session and send the third home. Be honest with the third that all you're seeking is a one-time thing, that this is exploration for you, and that things might end early. If the third is going to be fucking you, require him to use a condom. Many couples ask a third to get tested for diseases and bring the test results as proof that they're clean. Decide in advance what sort of play is acceptable--will you just sub for the third? Will you blow him? Will he fuck you? Will your husband just watch, or will he join in?

Btw, I love your profile name. Welcome to Smplace; I hope you stay around and tell us how things are going.

Pippi Longbottom · Oct 24, 2011

Thanks for all the advice. This is definitely something for the long-term (6 months to a year from now at minimum), since we are still (as Sebastien accurately put it) finding our legs. I am a worrier, though. When my husband and I met, we were both in very dark places in our lives and we have worked very hard to build a good life together. I am willing to do most anything in the bedroom, but I am completely unwilling to do anything that would jeopardize our marriage. Period. Sometimes, when explaining our relationship history to people, I say "I rescued him, he rescued me." On the outside, we are an unlikely couple - he is 14 years older than me; he is a high school drop-out, I am 2.5 years away from getting my PhD. (etc...) But, on the inside, we are exactly the same. I adore him with everything I have, everything I am, everything I will ever be. I didn't think that playing with BDSM could change how I feel about him, but it has. It has made me love him so much more. Ironically, taking the dom role has made him more open to me and more vulnerable. Strange....

Sorry, now I'm gushing..... :O

Sebastien, safe sex is an absolute must - both for safety reasons and because I do not use any birth control (Husband is snipped!). We already have a safe word, so that is not a problem for me. I am more concerned that HE will not safe word out of a situation that is making him unhappy (stubborn, proud man!) since he initiated it. I was thinking that we might start with very brief, mostly non-sexual, play with a third party to assess how we feel about it. I think it's good advice to make sure the third party is aware that the play may end quickly, so that no one has hurt feelings. I also think it might be good to start with a female third party, since he might find that less threatening. I am bisexual and we have always had an understanding that I could become involved with a woman if I wanted, as long as he is aware of the situation. However, I have never done so (I am extremely picky about girls.... haha).

The other wrinkle is that we live in different cities five days a week (I go to school 1.5 hours away), so I worry that he will have too much time alone to ruminate. However, I think that the third party will have to be located in our home city (where he lives), so that he knows there is no contact during the week.

One other question... has anyone had experience with local BDSM groups in their cities? We are thinking of checking the local group(s) out.... but I am worried about the "creepy" factor, and my future career. But, otherwise, how would we even find someone to play with?

Sebastien.... I have flaming red hair and loved Pippi Longstocking as a child. She is so strong and smart. Thus the profile name.

sebastian · Oct 24, 2011

Pippi--congrats on your impending doctorate! I have a PhD in history, so I know how much work is involved. And by the way, lots of academics are into BDSM. I know several. Highly educated women seem to find subbing a very good way to 'set down feminism' for a while, and indulge in 'being girly'. And being dommed by a 'brutish, uneducated man' is a classic fantasy--look at how often romance novels use that formula (sans BDSM).

And I'm not at all surprised that domming has allowed him to be more vulnerable. When he doms, he's showing you a side of himself that is socially unacceptable. Our society pounds into men that it is wrong to hurt women, to tell them what to do, and to demand obedience from them. So domming you may be a little scary for him. And, speaking personally, watching a sub trust me enough to let me torture him makes me want to take care of him. I want to hurt him, and then comfort him. It's a little like holding a baby--the baby trusts you to not drop him, and that makes you want to not drop him. These are feelings men have trouble connecting with, so domming can be wonderfully emotional for a man, giving him permission to express both dark urges and tender emotions he's not supposed to let out.

In any social group, there are going to be some wonderful, interesting, welcoming people, and a few weird, hostile, or cold people. Yes you may meet some creepy people at your local munch--doms who are too aggressive or subs who are inappropriately sexual or people with fetishes you don't share who think they have the right to flaunt their kink to you just because you showed up to the munch. But I think most kinksters learn when they socialize with other kinksters that they need to be polite, to take no for an answer, and to not do overtly sexual things in public (since many munches meet at a local bar, food court, or coffeeshop). The leaders of the munch will probably keep a rein on the really weird ones (if only because they don't want the group to get kicked out of their home base) or else warn you about them. So my advice is locate a munch and chat with one of the organizers (either by phone or email). Ask them about the dress code (usually very mundane unless the group meets in a private room), make sure it's a munch (social meeting) and not a play party (where sex will be happening in some form), and ask them to keep an eye out for you and introduce you to the good people to play with).

Alternately, if a full munch is awkward, check with your local women's sex shop. These stores often host small events where toys are demonstrated or where experts talk about alternative sexuality, and they usually emphasize being warm, friendly, and comfortable. You're not likely to find many perverts in dirty trench coats at such an event (although, honestly, I doubt you'll find that at most munches either).

Exploring2dark · Oct 24, 2011

Surprisingly enough, the BDSM groups that can be typically found, do not usually hold unsavory characters, and are very interesting and inspiring to be around. I find more positive feedback on these groups in local areas then negative results!

Kor · Oct 25, 2011

Pippi Longbottom said:
I also think it might be good to start with a female third party, since he might find that less threatening.

The first time is usually exciting and different, and often a time to try new things. The first few times I was in a threesome the aftermath was less than satisfactory - "why don't *you* ever do that?" or "I think you like him better than me." It came out okay eventually, but I sure felt blindsided by it at the time.

Some people also seem to be hardwired for jealousy even when they know better, and when stressed by something like a threesome it can pop out unexpectedly. It helps to have a backup plan if it happens - to either of you.

sebastian · Oct 25, 2011

Yes. Be prepared for unexpected feelings--anger, shame, fear, jealousy, arousal, whatever--and accept that they are natural in a threesome, esp. the first time. After that first time, plan to have a serious conversation about all the feelings you two had. Make it a rule that both of you get to express whatever feelings you have, and the other one has to listen and understand the other's feelings. Once you each understand how the threesome affected each other, then you can decide if you want to try it again, or if the feelings brought up were too difficult to make opening up the relationship again worth the problems it might create. And if you do have another threeway, you'll know more about how it might affect you.

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